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Supporting my Fiancee

Old 01-06-2014, 11:37 PM
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Supporting my Fiancee

My first post EVER!

I'm not the addict though, my fiancée is. My fiancée decided a few days ago to go to rehab for substance abuse. I am extremely proud of him! It is something we truly needed him to do before we could have a wonderful life together. And he needed this because the lifestyle he was living was going to either end up with him in jail or dead.

Luckily, he is only 22. At least he has decided to do this willingly now and can have the rest of his life to be clean and sober.

I know he's getting better so I only want to support his recovery in every way but sometimes I worry I might not be saying the right things. I wish I could go to the meetings with the therapist to learn these things but since I'm not family yet, I can't.

Is there any advice I should know on how to talk to him so he sticks with the program (because it is voluntary)? Or any websites that could tell me that kind of stuff, plus the type of things I should avoid in a conversation?


Thank you in advance!!!
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Old 01-07-2014, 04:38 AM
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First of all: You should NOT marry this guy until he is out and has 2 more years of sobriety without relapses. Again this is AFTER he gets out. 2 years.

To your questions, his sobriety is not dependent on anything you have asked about. What you say just isn't on the radar to keep him sober or not. You'll need to give him space to attend meetings and work with other addicts.

Alanon or naranon are the AA/NA programs for the friends and family of alkies/addicts. You should consider going to their meetings.
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Old 01-07-2014, 04:54 AM
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Conceptually I agree with Taking that you need to give your fiancée time to recover...and time to earn your trust that he can sustain sobriety. You should also know that addictions aren't suddenly cured with medications, rehab or therapy and it takes time and hard work to fend off the addiction. Not try
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Old 01-07-2014, 04:56 AM
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Welcome!

What are you doing for support for yourself? Have you considered AlAnon to look after you?

I hope your fiancée continues with his recovery.
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Old 01-07-2014, 05:00 AM
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Not trying to scare you but you need to know what you are going into eyes wide open. Positively - through recovery and working the steps your fiancé should emerge as a better person, fiancé, husband, father, etc.

Agree 100% that you should get involved with Alanon as you will be able to create your own support network and leverage off the experience of other family members to help you with understanding what he's going through, what/how/when to ask questions, etc. also - check out the family and relationship section on SR as there is a ton of info that can be learned on this site. Lots of support here for not only addicts but also family and friends.

Hope this helps and best wishes with his recovery and your relationship.
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Old 01-07-2014, 10:54 AM
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I'm trying to find some groups like that in my community but they don't offer any so far as I can tell but I'm starting to call churches though and I'm starting to look into surrounding counties as well. But I'm leaving for basic soon so is there an online group for that as well? Would you think the Navy would have a group like that too?

And you're right. I have not been taking care of myself. I've been stressing and I haven't been eating as much. I do have open eyes unfortunately. I realize this is gonna be a tough thing to deal with all my life. Don't think the thought of running hasn't crossed my mind. And his family has been lending on me lately and it's tough. That's why I decided I needed to reach out to this forum because no one I know has never dealt with this before. I knew I needed the advice.

And I don't think Wedding Bells will be ringing anytime soon. Haha. I'm leaving for basic next month and then who knows where after that. We've been together for years and I've always asked him to consider getting help but he had to accept it himself. He said he wanted to take our relationship to the next level so I told him he had to prove to me he was getting clean before I said yes. 2 week goes by, he's clean. His mother and I took him to the doctor for blood work to just know he wasn't back on the drugs and the doctor said everything came back negative. I should have felt great, right? But I felt guilty. He started having mental breakdowns and extreme withdrawal symptoms by the end of week 2 and I felt like I pushed him to do it and he did it the extreme way (cold turkey). That night I told him I was proud of him and I said yes but I told him he couldn't do this on his own anymore. That's when he decided he needed the in-patient care to recover.

And it's not the things I've asked him about that worry me. It's when he gets on this tangent of talking about the future and what he want to do when he clean. He has all these dreams and goals and that's great! but I can't seem to bring him back down and make him focus on his recovery and the "One day at a time" mindset.
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Old 01-07-2014, 10:55 AM
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AND THANK YOU GUYS! I really appreciate it. I was a little scared at first to do this but I needed someone I could talk to or somewhere I could talk.
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Old 01-07-2014, 11:07 AM
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Please visit our friends and family forum:

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

At the top of the page are pinned posts, called "stickies" that have a lot of information you might find useful, as well as the support and experience from those who have been in your shoes.
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Old 01-07-2014, 11:35 AM
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Eagles - best of luck as you navigate through this. Can't help in terms of what the Navy can offer but I'd like to think there are a lot of resources available to help you. Sounds like you've done some homework and understand some of what lies ahead of you. Surrounding yourself with support form SR, alanon, clergy, family members or support groups going through similar experiences will prove to be a big factor in your own situation.

Recovering alcoholic here and I'm very early in the recovery process. Sadly - the road to recovery is a long process (rather than an event) and it can be a choppy experience. Visiting the 'newcomers' section will provide some clues on the difficulty with recovery, challenges with set backs, etc.

Wish you the best and keep posting as you will continue to get support, ideas, and other resources to assist.
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