To go or not to go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
To go or not to go
I'm on day four after a slip of ten days or so after three months sober (to put this into context). A few days ago an old colleague and friend died and the funeral is in a few days time. I moved on over eight years ago and did very well professionally working some 230 miles from her and my old colleagues, but it was a very happy time for me and I have stayed in touch with many of them.
As I say her funeral is coming up and several people from the old team are going and having a mini-reunion on the evening of the funeral. The people going include several people I am very fond of and who I have not seen for all these years. The reunion won't be boozy - though there will be a few drinks I imagine. But it will mean a night away from home, probably in a hotel.
I have said via group email that there are difficulties in me getting there but I have since found out that someone I would really like to see again is going and I am in two minds again.
It isn't just the risk of drinking that concerns me - which though low, is still there, but I want to be there to see my old friend off and wish her well and also to see friends and colleagues I will probably never get to in one place again.
Very torn! Thoughts?
As I say her funeral is coming up and several people from the old team are going and having a mini-reunion on the evening of the funeral. The people going include several people I am very fond of and who I have not seen for all these years. The reunion won't be boozy - though there will be a few drinks I imagine. But it will mean a night away from home, probably in a hotel.
I have said via group email that there are difficulties in me getting there but I have since found out that someone I would really like to see again is going and I am in two minds again.
It isn't just the risk of drinking that concerns me - which though low, is still there, but I want to be there to see my old friend off and wish her well and also to see friends and colleagues I will probably never get to in one place again.
Very torn! Thoughts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Originally Posted by Skye2 
How about a compromise? Go and dedicate staying sober to your friend?
I am really sorry for your loss
I am really sorry for your loss
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I'm sorry for your loss mentium.
I can only tell you what I would do... and at 4 days going to a different town with old mates. and an emotional day, and a hotel stay - it would have proved too much for me....I was very susceptible then to social pressures and how things/I looked, not wanting to be different or left out...
I actually passed up on a get together or two - I've since met old friends several times, but later in my recovery when I was surer of my footing.
whatever you decide, best wishes.
D
I can only tell you what I would do... and at 4 days going to a different town with old mates. and an emotional day, and a hotel stay - it would have proved too much for me....I was very susceptible then to social pressures and how things/I looked, not wanting to be different or left out...
I actually passed up on a get together or two - I've since met old friends several times, but later in my recovery when I was surer of my footing.
whatever you decide, best wishes.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I would not go so early on in sobriety. I know for me going to an old place seeing friends in an emotional situation I would turn to drink,especially if many with me were drinking. No way would I go at a week or 2 sober,especially after relapsing.
It is not disrespectful or un-caring to put yourself first and not go. If you want to pay respects could you maybe just attend the service and not the reunion after?
It is not disrespectful or un-caring to put yourself first and not go. If you want to pay respects could you maybe just attend the service and not the reunion after?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
I have devised a plan. I have an offer of a room for the night some distance from where the reunion will probably be held. The person in question is a non drinker as it happens. If I go and take up the offer of the room I will have to be the designated driver for us (she coul;d not drive my car anyway because of insurance) and get us both to their place about 15 miles away at the end of the evening. I have never driven after drinking - ever - and never will.
One minor glitch is my car is 2000 miles late for a service and if I can't get it in to our local garage in the next couple of days I'm not going to risk it.
One minor glitch is my car is 2000 miles late for a service and if I can't get it in to our local garage in the next couple of days I'm not going to risk it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Maybe you think I'm playing devil's advocate but it's only because I care and because I've been there.
If you are the dd then others with you will be drinking .Be honest with yourself-do you really think you will stay sober/not have cravings/not be tempted /not put yourself in an incredibly difficult position so early on in sobriety. Being the dd isn't a failsafe plan-it's easy enough to leave the car and get a cab .Plus if you are the dd you are at the mercy of others, you have no escape route, you have to wait till God knows what hour till everyone else has finished drinking. Please think it through.
If you are the dd then others with you will be drinking .Be honest with yourself-do you really think you will stay sober/not have cravings/not be tempted /not put yourself in an incredibly difficult position so early on in sobriety. Being the dd isn't a failsafe plan-it's easy enough to leave the car and get a cab .Plus if you are the dd you are at the mercy of others, you have no escape route, you have to wait till God knows what hour till everyone else has finished drinking. Please think it through.
xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 286
I am so sorry about your friend, Mentium. You have my condolences.
I'm a big believer in going to funerals. Obviously never at the expense of your sobriety but I do think showing up for them is important for everyone. It sounds like you have a good plan and I also think having your friend "on your shoulder" will be a big help to you.
Have you told this group of friends that you are no longer drinking? If so, that will be a huge help as well.
If at anytime you think it's not a good idea or the plan doesn't feel right to you, cancel your plans and stay home. I'm being a huge homebody these days so I completely understand your wish to stay close. It's safe. If you decide to do that, don't feel badly. Your friend would want you to make the choice that is right for you.
Big hugs,
Jackie
I'm a big believer in going to funerals. Obviously never at the expense of your sobriety but I do think showing up for them is important for everyone. It sounds like you have a good plan and I also think having your friend "on your shoulder" will be a big help to you.
Have you told this group of friends that you are no longer drinking? If so, that will be a huge help as well.
If at anytime you think it's not a good idea or the plan doesn't feel right to you, cancel your plans and stay home. I'm being a huge homebody these days so I completely understand your wish to stay close. It's safe. If you decide to do that, don't feel badly. Your friend would want you to make the choice that is right for you.
Big hugs,
Jackie
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
I am sorry for your lose.
I do not mean to sound insensitive but, it's a funeral and a meeting with friends, who is making it about drinking(or not drinking)? If it is truly about drinking avoid it.
I do not mean to sound insensitive but, it's a funeral and a meeting with friends, who is making it about drinking(or not drinking)? If it is truly about drinking avoid it.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle
Posts: 29
It's ok to have a couple drinks every now and then at an event of this nature. That won't count against you as a full blown relapse and you can still keep your sobriety date. Just be sure that you never attend an event just for the alcohol. The trick is to not intentionally seek the booze. If it comes to you, then so be it. It's your decision. Not a single human on this planet will be able to avoid all forms of alcohol. It's just a natural compound found in everyday life.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
So sorry for your loss here. Many great suggestions here, and lots to think about--and I think that's key: thinking about it, planning. I say, put your sobriety at the front of your thinking and figure out a plan to make sure that you arrive home sober. When I'm in social situations, I like to picture my sobriety in my hand, like I'm holding it, and I need to do all that I can not to drop it, not to hide it, put it away, or "misplace" it. Just a little thing I do.
Good luck and again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Good luck and again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by nickand
It's ok to have a couple drinks every now and then at an event of this nature. That won't count against you as a full blown relapse and you can still keep your sobriety date. Just be sure that you never attend an event just for the alcohol. The trick is to not intentionally seek the booze. If it comes to you, then so be it. It's your decision. Not a single human on this planet will be able to avoid all forms of alcohol. It's just a natural compound found in everyday life.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
sounds like you are fairly ok with your sobriety Mentium
possibly you can go
but
always have a fast way out of any situation
when times get uncomfortable we can always step out for a walk
time alone in a motel room is better than with others drinking heavily
take some good sober reading material with you
also - I like to attend AA meetings while out on the road traveling
always reaffirms my sobriety while away from home
most all major towns have an AA Central Office
a call to Central will direct us to a meeting close by
Mountainman
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by nickand
It's ok to have a couple drinks every now and then at an event of this nature. That won't count against you as a full blown relapse and you can still keep your sobriety date. Just be sure that you never attend an event just for the alcohol. The trick is to not intentionally seek the booze. If it comes to you, then so be it. It's your decision. Not a single human on this planet will be able to avoid all forms of alcohol. It's just a natural compound found in everyday life.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
Hope this helps ease your worries about events that have drinks present. I hope you go for your friend.
--
Mentium, sorry for your loss. Like others here, I suggest you do best to pass on being the driver at the very least. If you do go to pay your respects, do so on your own, keep your options for yourself under your control. Don't give up your freedoms for anybody else. Always keep your sobriety real and lasting, and things will always work out for the better. If it was me, I'd pass on the trip because it would be so soon after my last drunk, if it were me. In any case, good luck, and again sorry for your loss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Thanks for all the advice and comments. The occasion is a funeral, not a booze-up. Some old colleagues will meet up after for a small re-union and one or two may have a glass or two - maybe not either. Alcohol will not be on the agenda really just potentially available in a hotel or somesuch. I'm not quite sure if Nickand understands alcoholism, but it certainly won't be OK to have one or two drinks! I'm committed to long term sobriety and the risk of drinking one or two would be too much as it could easily get me drinking full time again.
On balance I think it is safe to go. it now depends on whether I can get my car serviced in time. If not there's no real debate to be had.
Many thanks again for taking the trouble to respond.
On balance I think it is safe to go. it now depends on whether I can get my car serviced in time. If not there's no real debate to be had.
Many thanks again for taking the trouble to respond.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by nickand
It's ok to have a couple drinks every now and then at an event of this nature. That won't count against you as a full blown relapse and you can still keep your sobriety date. .
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