Am I Mentally Disturbed??
 

I've been an alcoholic for 3 years. Drink about half a pint to a pint daily. Had plenty of bad experiences and embarrassing moments. Longest sobriety has been about 75 days. I need to quit. I should quit....while I still have the chance to keep this life. Good job, wife, incredible little boy, no police records, and my latest physical shows I'm pretty healthy. So why do I keep drinking and doing stupid $h1+ like hiding and sneaking bottles!?? It's almost like I want to be punished somehow. Get caught by my wife or work or police, anyone. How messed up am I in the head that I don't quit while I still have an opportunity to come out clean??? Whats wrong with me? If any of the above goes wrong I will lose the thing I care about most - my little boy yet I don't stop!! What can I do???

Well you are here for a start. I would make a plan and seek some support. You want to do it, so now is the right time before it all goes pear shaped. Cna you talk to your wife about it?

I think addiction defies logic, mightyflea.
Most of us had every reason in the world to quit but we didn't...in some cases not until we lost almost everything we held dear.

There's a part of you that wants to quit and avoid that, or else you wouldn't be here - that's the part you need to feed.

Think about the changes you need to make in your life to stay sober - then find the support you need to make those changes.

Don't wait for a catastrophe to make the choice for you - that's just not fair on the family that depends on you.

D

Seems to me you want to stop. Why not quit before you create a poop storm of trouble for yourself ? What can you do? How about you take some personal responsibility, and become a sober parent for your son ? If you cant do it on your own, theres plenty of help available. Every child deserves a sober parents.

Addiction is what is causing the weird thoughts and actions, that would just sound crazy to the average person, the thing is you've posted on a recovery website so your amongst other addicts who either did many of the same things or recognise the behaviour.

Addiction causes people to take risks with their lives, at work, with family, maybe even when driving, it's the addiction making the decisions!! the answer is to be Sober!!

I think you've already made that decision, and your in the right place, as there's loads of support here!! :)

Hi. I identify with your post closely and with the insanity associated with active drinking lost a lot, mainly my undisciplined self. It's particularly saddens me to know that children learn so much by observation and so many say I'm only hurting myself.

There are many ways to stop drinking and at the time the only one around was AA. The job is to stay stopped by working on the reasons we drank. The big one was to escape our feelings which encompass much digging and is where the work is.

BE WELL

Friend, sounds like your heart is in exactly the right place.

You sound very determined. Thanks for this post bud.

Because you're addicted to alcohol.


I doubt it. I thought the same thing for a long time because I didn't understand my addiction. "I'm self-destructive," that's what I thought.

It's not true. I didn't want to get caught, I wanted to get drunk. I didn't want to get into trouble, I wanted to escape the anxiety I was feeling. I was willing to risk getting caught and getting into trouble, but I wasn't seeking it.

But for a while I thought I must be seeking it, I must be self-destructive, that's the only logical explanation.

As it turns out, it was the only logical explanation I was aware of at the time. I have since learned there is another. I am addicted to alcohol. Part of my brain, over which I have zero control, is addicted to it. It was that zero control part that tripped me up for years. I thought I could make myself stop wanting alcohol. I thought I could reason it away. If I don't stop drinking I will lose everything, so why doesn't my brain stop wanting alcohol?. It doesn't work that way.

Addiction cannot be reasoned with. The addicted part of the brain is immune to reason or logic or judgment. It has no morals or inhibitions. None. It just craves alcohol.

I couldn't make the alcoholic living in my head stop wanting to drink, but I could stop giving it to him. I could stop listening to his nonsense - always telling me it would be different this time. And then I could learn how to beat that anxiety and feel calm in the evenings without the bottle.

Best of Luck!

I love this board. Everyone is just incredible each time I post.

KateL - telling my wife is not an option. She would leave me for sure and take my boy too. And I wouldn't blame her. Being deceived and lied to for 3 years isn't fair.

Nonsensical - your post is one of the best replies I've received. I too feel I'm self destructive and want to be caught. But perhaps you're right, I just want that buzzed feeling. I love it. But I also know the problem is I don't stop there. I keep pushing on, each and every day. There's really one one option - completely quitting.

But I love the buzz....and I haven't caused any harm clearly so whats the big deal?

The big deal is you havnt done any harm yet. I am sure your wife suspects something is up but doesnt know how to approach you. I let my addiction go to far. I thought the same things as you i was healthy no police record and a beautiful wife and child that loved me. That was all lost in a matter of months because i kept lying and hiding my use. I am sober now and still havnt gained the trust of my wife. I lost everything i truely cared about because i didnt stop when i knew it was becomeing a problem.

see the light before the crash
 

I would recommend that you hit a few AA meetings
keeping ears open
listen to all of the ones who have lost all of the above that you have mentioned
sure many will tell you that you won't stop for them
but
that has been proven to not always be the case
some actually see the light before the crash

could be referred to as a low bottom
sure beats a high bottom

MB

These two statements don't really jel.

D

This is what I think you are saying with your post:

Separating my thoughts from my addiction's thoughts has been key to compiling some decent sober time. There is a committee in my head, and every night they are bitterly debating what I should do. Fortunately only one of us can lift a bottle. That's me. My addiction has no motor skills. To get his fix he must convince me to feed it.

I choose not to.

Well it could take years or months, but with addiction (especially alcohol because it's powerful and easily accessible) there will come a time when "have not" becomes "have not yet" to "have". It gets worse, never better. Drinking takes it toll - some longer than others. Doesn't sound like you are ready to quit, maybe waiting for one of those consequences? health, job, marriage, legal troubles ..... that's when most people finally acknowledge it and do something about it.

I'm ready to quit every morning when I wake up still partially drunk and need to get to work. And every evening I convince myself how another day has gone by without harm and drinking is no big deal. I KNOW it's killing my inside but my AV tells me if my physical came back normal perhaps I'm not? And hence my sick desire for something to be wrong and being forced to quit. The idiotic part of me tells me it's no big deal even though the intelligent voice tells me to quit before it's too late. It's a daily and constant battle and my idiotic side keeps winning.

I did that for years...and things got worse and worse.
It never occurred to me to look for a place like SR - you did, so more power to you :)

Use us - use the support when you get home and feel vulnerable.

D