Goodbye clouds
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Goodbye clouds
SR,
For the last few days I have been feeling a little less than myself. I am on a re-run of memories and it is all too familiar. I set about to write a forgiveness letter to my mother, only to find myself in a loop of hurt and not feeling like what I have to say is productive for anyone. No matter the pain that has been caused writing it down to a person in a blatant truth telling manner is not going to help anyone. Its not like I was cussing or yelling in all caps, or even saying anything that blamed or criticized. I figure she already knows the dynamic and so why would I waste so much energy just to have a point, and the point or message will not be received. There is this saying about holding ones breath. "Don't hold your breath"..... Why would I think that enlightenment would take place with her? After so many years, why would I even want to create some vulnerable mess within myself only for it to fall on deaf ears? So, I thought of the letter as an exercise in writing. I then erased it.
If things were to be any different, then I am almost 100% positive some kind of reconciliation would have taken place by now....something would have transpired for me, or her, or the two of us.
There are some wounds that can not heal even after what seems like a lifetime. That being said, I will continue to find ways to heal. I may just prove myself wrong.
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
My only saving grace will be to watch my soap-opera's and re-live the glory days of my youth. Drinking coffee and playing solitaire which signifies my solitude in the world due to not being able to forgive.
So, I am still sober and working through whatever needs to be worked through at the moment. I am on the last 2 days of break and then its back to school I go. I want to say that my break has been relaxing, but I managed to get myself into a whirlwind of emotions over the wedding I attended. I am still trying to come down and live on the planet right now. Hopefully, I will have landed in the next few days.
I would not be doing so well If I was not sober. I would probably be crying with a bottle of wine each night. Really giving it my all with the bottle, tears, snot, and wailing. Who knows where it would go from there? I am not wanting to find out. Remain sober. Check!
For the last few days I have been feeling a little less than myself. I am on a re-run of memories and it is all too familiar. I set about to write a forgiveness letter to my mother, only to find myself in a loop of hurt and not feeling like what I have to say is productive for anyone. No matter the pain that has been caused writing it down to a person in a blatant truth telling manner is not going to help anyone. Its not like I was cussing or yelling in all caps, or even saying anything that blamed or criticized. I figure she already knows the dynamic and so why would I waste so much energy just to have a point, and the point or message will not be received. There is this saying about holding ones breath. "Don't hold your breath"..... Why would I think that enlightenment would take place with her? After so many years, why would I even want to create some vulnerable mess within myself only for it to fall on deaf ears? So, I thought of the letter as an exercise in writing. I then erased it.
If things were to be any different, then I am almost 100% positive some kind of reconciliation would have taken place by now....something would have transpired for me, or her, or the two of us.
There are some wounds that can not heal even after what seems like a lifetime. That being said, I will continue to find ways to heal. I may just prove myself wrong.
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
My only saving grace will be to watch my soap-opera's and re-live the glory days of my youth. Drinking coffee and playing solitaire which signifies my solitude in the world due to not being able to forgive.
So, I am still sober and working through whatever needs to be worked through at the moment. I am on the last 2 days of break and then its back to school I go. I want to say that my break has been relaxing, but I managed to get myself into a whirlwind of emotions over the wedding I attended. I am still trying to come down and live on the planet right now. Hopefully, I will have landed in the next few days.
I would not be doing so well If I was not sober. I would probably be crying with a bottle of wine each night. Really giving it my all with the bottle, tears, snot, and wailing. Who knows where it would go from there? I am not wanting to find out. Remain sober. Check!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Rash of mommy issues lately. Me too. I keep telling myself something AO said "hurting people hurt". I looked up some stories of people whose parents had Borderline Personality Disorder. I found women putting into words things I couldn't articulate. I wouldn't go so far as to diagnose my mom but it made me feel better.
There is no way to make someone understand if they lack the capacity. Even if I could make her understand it would just cause her pain. What's the point? It comes down she did the best she could and she is a wounded woman not a monster. She can't free herself but I can free me.
There is no way to make someone understand if they lack the capacity. Even if I could make her understand it would just cause her pain. What's the point? It comes down she did the best she could and she is a wounded woman not a monster. She can't free herself but I can free me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
It sounds like you mother was and is awful. It also sounds like you hold a ton of resentment towards her. From your posts, no matter what you do - talk to her, deliver her a letter, nothing is probably going to change her. So i guess you might want to ask what you want out of it. I don't think a relationship with her sounds healthy. But carrying all the resentments is only killing you inside - from the sounds of it. It sounds like understanding and forgiving her might be the best way to move on with your life? I know it sounds crazy but forgiveness can really empower you to let go of the resentments and baggage.
If you are in AA then this is what step 4 and 5 are all about.
BTW - It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you are so strong to have gone through what you have
If you are in AA then this is what step 4 and 5 are all about.
BTW - It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you are so strong to have gone through what you have
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by jdooner 
It sounds like you mother was and is awful. It also sounds like you hold a ton of resentment towards her. From your posts, no matter what you do - talk to her, deliver her a letter, nothing is probably going to change her. So i guess you might want to ask what you want out of it. I don't think a relationship with her sounds healthy. But carrying all the resentments is only killing you inside - from the sounds of it. It sounds like understanding and forgiving her might be the best way to move on with your life? I know it sounds crazy but forgiveness can really empower you to let go of the resentments and baggage.
If you are in AA then this is what step 4 and 5 are all about.
BTW - It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you are so strong to have gone through what you have
If you are in AA then this is what step 4 and 5 are all about.
BTW - It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you are so strong to have gone through what you have
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Like I said in the last thread Miz - work on taking your hands from around her neck - probably won't do anything for her but it may just change everything for you? 
I'm not being flippant or lecturing - to reach a place of peace with my folks I had to give up the dream of them appreciating me, or them changing into the parents I wanted them to be.
I wanted an apology. That will never happen from someone who has no concept they've done wrong.
Even when I wasn't in contact they still rented space in my head - I had to break the connection - hence - hands off neck
D
I'm not being flippant or lecturing - to reach a place of peace with my folks I had to give up the dream of them appreciating me, or them changing into the parents I wanted them to be.
I wanted an apology. That will never happen from someone who has no concept they've done wrong.
Even when I wasn't in contact they still rented space in my head - I had to break the connection - hence - hands off neck
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I can see that this post is taken out of context. I regret sharing this now. Completely. What i thought was a post of getting grounded and realizing is not any of that on the other end. Too bad really. Anyways, I dont really feel like my hands are around anyone's neck and I am not in AA. I am not lashing out here. Only expressing that I was getting grounded and still sober. I think pretty deeply about things and can write in that way. Words are left up to the interpreter.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Sorry Miz I must have gotten the wrong end of the stick.
All the stuff about how you're going to end up threw me, cos I don't accept that will be your destiny at all.
Maybe you were being satirical
My apologies.
D
All the stuff about how you're going to end up threw me, cos I don't accept that will be your destiny at all.
Maybe you were being satirical
My apologies.
D
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Mizz- how do I love thee ? Let me count the cats. Move your damn dentures over, mine are Mr. Ed. Size and take up more space on the nightstand. And hey,isn't that's JAYNIES muumuu from rehab ?
And I just spent the day pouring over books about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Like a lightbulb went off. And I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or want to throw up in my mouth and hightail outta here. I'm not kidding, reading since 7:30 am. All day. I stopped to bake a ham. Then right back at it. And I balled. A lot. Like the kind of crying where snot bubbles shoot out and you don't even care because you are too busy hyperventilating. Yeah, I got you.
I ain't got nothin but to tell you I adore you and appreciate you.
And I'm so grateful to share this cah Ray Ray journey of dark nights of the soul and exchanges regarding GABA and Rescue Remedy with you.
If there's room in the snuggle bed of misfit toys who own cats and smoke without their teeth in, I think Silent wants to sleep in the middle.
XO AO
And I just spent the day pouring over books about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Like a lightbulb went off. And I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or want to throw up in my mouth and hightail outta here. I'm not kidding, reading since 7:30 am. All day. I stopped to bake a ham. Then right back at it. And I balled. A lot. Like the kind of crying where snot bubbles shoot out and you don't even care because you are too busy hyperventilating. Yeah, I got you.
I ain't got nothin but to tell you I adore you and appreciate you.
And I'm so grateful to share this cah Ray Ray journey of dark nights of the soul and exchanges regarding GABA and Rescue Remedy with you.
If there's room in the snuggle bed of misfit toys who own cats and smoke without their teeth in, I think Silent wants to sleep in the middle.
XO AO
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
SR,
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
I never regrets posts...I think it's like letting a load of CO2 out.
Good luck and congrats getting through the wedding.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
SR,
For the last few days I have been feeling a little less than myself. I am on a re-run of memories and it is all too familiar. I set about to write a forgiveness letter to my mother, only to find myself in a loop of hurt and not feeling like what I have to say is productive for anyone. No matter the pain that has been caused writing it down to a person in a blatant truth telling manner is not going to help anyone. Its not like I was cussing or yelling in all caps, or even saying anything that blamed or criticized. I figure she already knows the dynamic and so why would I waste so much energy just to have a point, and the point or message will not be received. There is this saying about holding ones breath. "Don't hold your breath"..... Why would I think that enlightenment would take place with her? After so many years, why would I even want to create some vulnerable mess within myself only for it to fall on deaf ears? So, I thought of the letter as an exercise in writing. I then erased it.
If things were to be any different, then I am almost 100% positive some kind of reconciliation would have taken place by now....something would have transpired for me, or her, or the two of us.
There are some wounds that can not heal even after what seems like a lifetime. That being said, I will continue to find ways to heal. I may just prove myself wrong.
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
My only saving grace will be to watch my soap-opera's and re-live the glory days of my youth. Drinking coffee and playing solitaire which signifies my solitude in the world due to not being able to forgive.
So, I am still sober and working through whatever needs to be worked through at the moment. I am on the last 2 days of break and then its back to school I go. I want to say that my break has been relaxing, but I managed to get myself into a whirlwind of emotions over the wedding I attended. I am still trying to come down and live on the planet right now. Hopefully, I will have landed in the next few days.
I would not be doing so well If I was not sober. I would probably be crying with a bottle of wine each night. Really giving it my all with the bottle, tears, snot, and wailing. Who knows where it would go from there? I am not wanting to find out. Remain sober. Check!
For the last few days I have been feeling a little less than myself. I am on a re-run of memories and it is all too familiar. I set about to write a forgiveness letter to my mother, only to find myself in a loop of hurt and not feeling like what I have to say is productive for anyone. No matter the pain that has been caused writing it down to a person in a blatant truth telling manner is not going to help anyone. Its not like I was cussing or yelling in all caps, or even saying anything that blamed or criticized. I figure she already knows the dynamic and so why would I waste so much energy just to have a point, and the point or message will not be received. There is this saying about holding ones breath. "Don't hold your breath"..... Why would I think that enlightenment would take place with her? After so many years, why would I even want to create some vulnerable mess within myself only for it to fall on deaf ears? So, I thought of the letter as an exercise in writing. I then erased it.
If things were to be any different, then I am almost 100% positive some kind of reconciliation would have taken place by now....something would have transpired for me, or her, or the two of us.
There are some wounds that can not heal even after what seems like a lifetime. That being said, I will continue to find ways to heal. I may just prove myself wrong.
I fear I will be one of those old women mad at the world, mad at young people, murmuring obscenities at all that I encounter. Closed house smelling of moth balls with a million cats and a moo moo that I never take off to wash. My hair will be a slight blue hue, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, lost dentures, and when the door bell rings I will shuffle to the door peek out the dingy curtain "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? GET OFF MY BEGONIAS.GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH."
My only saving grace will be to watch my soap-opera's and re-live the glory days of my youth. Drinking coffee and playing solitaire which signifies my solitude in the world due to not being able to forgive.
So, I am still sober and working through whatever needs to be worked through at the moment. I am on the last 2 days of break and then its back to school I go. I want to say that my break has been relaxing, but I managed to get myself into a whirlwind of emotions over the wedding I attended. I am still trying to come down and live on the planet right now. Hopefully, I will have landed in the next few days.
I would not be doing so well If I was not sober. I would probably be crying with a bottle of wine each night. Really giving it my all with the bottle, tears, snot, and wailing. Who knows where it would go from there? I am not wanting to find out. Remain sober. Check!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Mizz, I, for one, got a lot of giggles visualizing old cranky you!! (even though I know that is not really how you are going to end up)
I'm kind of in the same boat. Finally (hopefully) coming to terms that my mom will not change. She will not get better. She is mentally ill. Her being mentally ill, does not excuse or diminish the pain she put my sister and I through, but I can be different. I am sober, for one, which is different than her and it feels great. I know I always wanted "the ending" with my childhood issues to be this big awakening for all parties concerned, with hugs and sobs and everybody riding off in the sunset, hand-in-hand . . . . Even when I logically understood that this wasn't going to happen, I think a small subconscious part of me wanted it to happen and I think I have finally let it go. This year is about nurturing myself.
I'm kind of in the same boat. Finally (hopefully) coming to terms that my mom will not change. She will not get better. She is mentally ill. Her being mentally ill, does not excuse or diminish the pain she put my sister and I through, but I can be different. I am sober, for one, which is different than her and it feels great. I know I always wanted "the ending" with my childhood issues to be this big awakening for all parties concerned, with hugs and sobs and everybody riding off in the sunset, hand-in-hand . . . . Even when I logically understood that this wasn't going to happen, I think a small subconscious part of me wanted it to happen and I think I have finally let it go. This year is about nurturing myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 20
I, too, had issues with my mom. Sometimes I cared, sometimes I didn't. I always seemed to focus on what she DIDN'T do and how she was not my perfect idea of a mom or how she was mean to my children.
Then she died of cancer. And what do I remember now? She was funny, she loved to bake and play games, and leave me cute voice mails.
I do live with regret daily but I am learning to let GO and GROW.
That's just my two cents.
Then she died of cancer. And what do I remember now? She was funny, she loved to bake and play games, and leave me cute voice mails.
I do live with regret daily but I am learning to let GO and GROW.
That's just my two cents.
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