Nikkabean326

What do you do? What do you do when the memories of past embarrassing drunken messes come flooding back to you?

Today is the first day that I'm left entirely alone since I decided to stop drinking. Honestly? I don't want to touch a drink. I am disgusted by it and myself.

I'm washing the sheets and comforter that I messed up when I was so drunk I didn't even know I was doing it. Taking them out of the hamper and actually seeing the stains and *smelling* it really made me upset. The thought of it just made me cringe. I feel disgusted and guilty. What a mess. What 28 year old does that? I'm sorry if this is TMI but this is what is happening in my head right now. This is my reality and I need to face it. I washed them but I still see the stains. Does anyone know how to get those stains out of linens? I fear I may have to take it to the dry cleaners. If I do, then so be it. I love my comforter set and I feel horrible right now. The first thing I did when I came upstairs from the laundry room was get on this computer and come to this website. I just want to erase any trace of what happened away.

Help

FreeOwl

we can never 'erase' those things... but we can forgive ourselves for them.

remember that it wasn't 'You' in charge of those decisions.... those actions... those horribly-embarassing things you couldn't imagine yourself doing. It was you-in-the-grip of a chemical.

You're not that person. YOU are the person who would never want to be that way..... you have to clean up after, own up to, and do your best to make up for the things you've done. We all do.

But we don't have to hate ourselves or be shamed..... we are good and beautiful souls.

Those memories may haunt us for a long time... but when they visit us, it's a good opportunity to look in the mirror and give thanks for who we really ARE... and to say to ourselves "I forgive you".

Anna

I felt very similar things in early sobriety. My mind was overwhelmed with vivid scenarios of my drinking messes. The good thing was, it really helped me get through those first few weeks, because like you, I was so disgusted with myself. However, self-forgiveness is necessary in order to recover. Try to remember that alcoholism is not a character defect, it's a disease. All you can do at this point is to move forward with your sobriety.

malcolmsloan

I think everyone here has hurtful memories and regrets, Nikka. You are not alone. For me, while it's true that we need to move forward, focus on the present, make good choices and decisions today, as painful as it is, I try to use the past as sincere motivation to perpetuate change. In short, while it brings tears to my eyes, I own my past and work to be a better person today because of it. This is just me, not saying "do this" or "do that."

What strikes me about your post is your age, 28. Good for you for acknowleding the problem and starting to work on it in serious terms. At 28, I was well aware of my problem, but it took me 14 more years to get serious.

KateL

You must forgive yourself and move on. You aren't like that any more so you are beating up a ghost xxxxxx

dirk626

I too wish I would have recognized my problem at your age. I use my memories to motivate me to keep going on this journey of sobriety. I got serious about it a couple of months ago and have had some success and some failure. IMO as we move forward making the correct decisions, and by doing what we say we are going to do, those bad memories will get out of the way for a growing self-esteem. Keep putting the hate and disgust right where it belongs, with the alcohol.

Mountainmanbob

back in my early sobriety my Sponsor asked of me
what was our best experience
I was clueless as to why he was asking me this
and didn't think that I had the right answer anyway
so I asked of him - not sure what is it
he said

"our best experience was our worse experience"
I asked of him how would that be
be said "because it was so convincing"

thus my worse experiences (most caused by excessive drinking)
I can actually look back on now as good experiences
they in a way helped me to get to this point in time a sober man

just one of many tools
remembering my past helps me today to stay away from the drink
we need not and want not to add to the wreckage of our past

Mountainman

Threshold

When that happens I say "yup, I can't EVER drink again." and do the next right thing, and use it to propel me to stay committed to my recovery.

The more positive days we put between us and the drunken idiot we were then, the better. We are blessed, we have a chance to have a better life and to do constructive things where we used to do destructive things.

When we recall what an ass we were...we say "I never have to do that again!" and give our sobriety and recovery a big hug.

ScottFromWI

I try and focus on what I can do to make sure those things don't happen again when I recall them. You cannot change what you have done, but you can change who you are today.

adee

I love this - so true. Time is your friend here. Each sober day you rack up takes power away from the drunk ones.


Practically: try soaking the bedding in oxiclean.

Mizzuno

I will always have memories that can flood my present moment. The thing that I remember is, those memories are the reason that I have chosen to remain sober. Seriously, those memories help me to ensure that I do not pick up alcohol. Without the memories of what I have done, I would not be sober. So, with time and with patience, those memories can produce something positive. You are doing the right thing by removing alcohol from your life. Move forward with forgiveness towards yourself and focus on the present. This is all that can be done.

foolsgold66

You just have to grit your teeth and face this stuff, the pain will go eventually but the memory will stay. You can't unring the bell. Keep reading and posting!

Notmyrealname

Oxyclean color-safe bleach, mix some up with some water and pre-soak the stains overnight, then wash in a load with the recommended amount of oxyclean. Should do the trick.

On shameful memories I have no such easy fix. Try to make good memories and eventually they'll crowd out the bad, that's all I got..

Dan Dare

For years I thought it was cool and part of my character.
I'm learning that I wasn't very cool. I was so wrapped up in it I didn't even realize how much was passing me by.
The time I wasted and the people I hurt cuts deep.
I heard it said that eventually you start wearing the booze like a bad wardrobe.

The day I took my last drink, only 20 days ago, this is an e- mail I sent to myself:

Why I am Sad:

-I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see
-I’ve tried, and come close, I’ve failed.
-Everything has come to an end, it seems. No more thrill, no more gatherings that are fun, and the sameness of life
-My dreams are starting to get worse and are making me insane
-I have no motivation
-I don’t want to be old, but I feel old
-I don’t feel like I have a future anymore
-I feel so unproductive, and I don’t know how to change it
-I tried real hard to make things happen and nothing did
-I feel more vulnerable than I ever did in my life
-I feel I made wrong choices

Sound familiar? With a clear head I sound like a whiny, self absorbed wimp.
Denial. And everything in that list CAN be changed.
I didn't write down the fact that drinking was causing basically everything I wrote because I was afraid to admit it. Even to my private list!
I knew I had to make a serious change. Doing it is the biggest task I've ever faced. But I'm hell bent on being a new man.

I really **** myself off.

D.D.

Inca

Oh how I relate to this SO much. I will say that the best thing to do is keep those thoughts in your mind to remind you of how bad drinking is and why you stopped and at the same time, forgive yourself. People screw up and if you beat yourself up and sit in the shame, it will really hinder the recovery process.

Trust me, I still have cringing thoughts every day, but I've stopped torturing myself and tried to see the silver lining of it all. The flooding memories have faded a lot over the past few months. I'd give it some time. By going to AA meetings as well I have started to realize that my cringing moments are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It has given me perspective to move forward and not live in the past.

Hugs!!!! I know exactly how you feel

DoubleDragons

I actually keep a list in my sobriety journal entitled Shames and Sadness Caused by Alcohol. I racked my brain for ever instance I could think of from when I started drinking as a teenager until my 40s. Yes, it is painful and embarrassing looking at that list, but it is my best reminder that I do not want to add to it! It is amazing the further away we get from these events how diminished these memories can get. Our AV likes to tell us that the events weren't really that big of a deal or our friends (spouse) still love us so it couldn't have been that bad, etc. etc. I don't think it is good to ruminate in the memories, but like others said it is good to use them as a sobriety motivator.

I also keep a list entitled Advantages to Being Sober and that list is every bit as long and motivating! Keep up the good fight!!

FreeOwl

I really like that idea DoubleDragons.... thank you.

Nikkabean326

DoubleDragons, you are much more brave than I am! Just reading your comment had me cringing (again) about my own messy past! Heh. The first thing I thought of if I were to sit down and write out my mess ups was "I'd need a drink to do that.." Oi. I have a road in front of me but I know it's going to be positive and healthy. I'm embarking on a new road and I'm leaving that past behind me. Thanks everyone. I will have no more reasons in the future to feel guilty or embarrassed about things done while under the influence. Moving on and moving up.