Threshold

Mentium. seeing as drinking was part of the situation that led to this friends death, it seems completely sound to me to suggest that during the reunion celebrating her life and the mutual friendships, no drinking in honor of her memory.

If the other friends aren't problem drinkers, it should be NO problem for them to spend an evening with friends not drinking. I mean, it would be sorta disrespectful to remember her with a drink if drink was part of what killed her...sorta like passing around cigars while remembering a friend who just died of lung cancer.

In the end you yourself know whether or not this is a good idea, given your own relationship with alcohol and the dynamics with this group of friends. If you are a person who feels like you need to go along with the crowd so as not to bring up any conflict or uncomfortable feelings or questions...best to NOT go. If you are friends on a level where you can say you're not drinking anymore, or even to ask that it be a booze free gathering...then good with it.

because, truly, if you guys care about each other, you can have a reunion that doesn't revolve around a death OR alcohol, or you can hasten the next funeral related reunion by putting your sobriety on the line.

Mentium

Threshold. My old friend died of cancer of the oesophagus, brought on by smoking and getting drunk every night I (and others) conclude. She used to phone her friends up (including me) drunk every night for a spell way back, usually to gossip about work. She was never offensive so we tolerated it. I think she kept it up to the end as far as I am aware.

I can stay sober out of respect to her, even if the issue isn't actually on the table on the day. And as mentioned earlier, alcohol will not be a focus in any sense for the social element of this. It will probably be available in the venue as it usually is here in the UK in hotels, pubs and the like.

Dee74

Nick this advice would have killed me. Dead.

I may not be able to 'avoid all forms of alcohol' but I sure as heck can manage not to drink it.

I hope noone reading your post takes it to heart.
This may be the first time I've had to say this here, but you're speaking nonsense.

The only reason why it's still 'up' is that so many others have replied to it, and well.

D

Renarde

Nick that advice is bananas! A funeral is not a valid reason for a recovering alcoholic to drink alcohol.

Inca

I would go and use your plan to leave if you get uncomfortable or feel tempted to drink once you're there.

Mentium

I've thought this through as dipassionately as I can. I really want to go to this, but I think at less than two weeks after a lapse it would be foolish. The opportunities to drink will be there - or more to the point there's a risk I will take advantage of any opporunity if the impulse to do so takes over. It is a shame but staying sober is a higher priority.

I am told that the family want donations to go to a children's charity rather than for flowers. I will send something to them and think of her warmly on the day.

I'm sad about this but common sense..sober sense..prevails.

Skye2

I think that's probably the right decision. You'll know in the future, when you can cope with situations more.

Kat60

Good for you Mentium!!!
I think you made a decision based on soulful reflection and are doing what's right for YOU!!
Your friend would have been proud of you!!!

dwtbd

Mentium your post reminded me that some of complications in life due to our past abuses still resonate in the present. And also makes me reflect on the fact that I do not have to add to future complications. The mindfulness displayed here is admirable and inspirational thank you for sharing.

advbike

I passed up the funeral of a co-worker about 15 years ago. I was busy with work and a graduate degree program, and it was several hours away, but part of it was fear of drinking since I was newly sober at the time. I have often regretted not being there because he was a really good man, and I also missed seeing the others who showed up, many of whom wondered why I wasn't there. I felt really selfish, and my sobriety didn't last anyway. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but I just wanted to put it out there since it is something I have often wished I had done differently.

Dee74

I think you made a wise choice mentium

D

Louise82

I also feel you've made a wise decision Mentium.

nickand...thanks for the laugh

Mentium

Thanks all. Some of life's decisions aren't easy I guess - especially when one is trying to be rational in the face of an addiction and its insidious nature. When I first considered going one of the first thoughts I had was ' wow - I could/can drink'. I put the thought away and squished it, but such is the power of addiction that despite a strong commitment to sobriety that thought popped up.

Advbike - I will regret this but it is still right. It isn't just about this event but a bigger commitment and the knowledge that I have my priorities right. That is more of a tribute to my old friend than attending her last rights frankly. It was after all alcohol in part which almost certainly killed her.