Anxiety in social situations when sober/Introverts?
 

I thought I'd post this as many people new to quitting are worried about social situations when sober and how they'll cope or enjoy them. I've also experienced personally and read posts about people's anxiety about increased social situations over the holiday period. Many have had increased anxiety before, during and after social gatherings together with feeling physically and mentally drained after social interaction.

I started drinking as a teenager precisely because I was nervous and anxious around people and suddenly realized drinking made me feel normal, happy, confident and sociable when with others. Of course it escalated to beyond 'normal' levels that's why I'm here now. If I'm honest I always drank differently to others, or maybe the reasons I drank were different to others. I drank to make me feel different, to fit in,to 'make' me more extroverted, confident and better able to mix.

It's got me thinking how many other people drank because of social anxiety and being introverts. I've read about introverts who dislike and get nervous with constant social interaction and it makes them feel physically and mentally drained afterwards. This is so me. Even just normal interaction on a daily basis can make me feel tired. I crave silence,peace and quiet to regroup and balance. I wonder if many alchoholics are introverts who started drinking to blend in and feel more confident and now worried that if alcohol is taken away then what now?

I'm just over a year sober now and my social circle has naturally changed. I don't go to drinking events/pubs etc.I have new friends, most of whom don't drink ( imagine some people don't drink-I had no idea!!) I still feel anxious in large or intense social situations but accept that there's nothing wrong with that. It's just me. Acceptance of who and what I am has been a key part of me getting sober. I don't need to pretend to be an extrovert of life and soul of the party and I've stopped trying to be someone I'm not.

I would rather be alone but I accept and understand that's ok now. I do not need to pretend or try to be someone I'm not. Of course I do have to do group things sometimes which I manage but ensure I have time afterwards to be alone.There's also nothing wrong with leaving early if it gets too much.

So for everyone getting sober and worrying about how you'll cope in social situations, please try not to worry. Be true to yourself though. Going out to drinking situations with old drinking friends -be honest is it really you or are you just trying to fit in? You'll probably learn a lot about who you are as a person and acceptance of that is key to peace and happiness. I've found I have changed quite naturally and I'm now the me I should always have been
-almost as if the compass has found it's true north instead of me keep trying to force it in another direction.

Of course not everyone will relate to this but someone might :)

I relate; in fact we could be twins. I think alcohol has some positive aspects for people who can stop at one or two, and I miss out on the benefits because I recognise that I can't limit my intake. That's just the way it is; it doesn't ruin my life. I feel more relaxed now I don't have to worry about how much I'm drinking.

I definitely used booze to try and be someone I wasn't.

The real me is an introvert - I'm friendly enough, but I dislike fussin'...and I like my own space.

Took 40 years, but I'm finally comfortable with being me.

D

As a professional introvert working a job that requires lots if social interaction, there are some fantastic books on this subject. There has been a lot of psych studies on personality types and introversion. I read a great book recently, Networking for People Who Hate Networking. Written by an executive coach who happens to be both a public speaker and an introvert. There are other great ones out there like 'introvert advantage.'. Ironically only an introvert would research why their personality is introverted :). The good news is it can be overcome and even some of the most successful leaders in the world are horrible introverts. The problem is defined by the fact that in the states this personality type is antithetical to what is considered "culturally healthy.". Studies show millions of people have this personality trait, so we are not alone. Know that to be a successful social introvert requires downtime to recharge our batteries, unlike an extrovert who gets energy from being around people. And yes, I started drinking to deal with my perceived problem of something is wrong with me because I'm introverted. What a horrible mistake that was thinking.

I'm incredibly introverted and I, too, used alcohol to be extroverted. I relate to all this.

your story is almost identical to mine.So I can also relate to all this.

Count me in too. While I have to work with groups of people. I won't go anywhere where there are more than 5 people around. Any more than that and I get very anxious.

Also I only have seating for 3 at my home,and one of those is the toilet!

Me too. INFP here.

Socializing without alcohol is one of my greatest challenges. Although it had stopped working for me for the last few years anyway.

Just read Echkart Tolle is also an introvert by nature, as was Emily Dickenson and many MANY other people who have changed the world...:)

I like this plan :)

I relate with you and the others as well. I'm finding that in social situations that being friendly is enough. There are plenty of people that are willing to take the lead and be the life of the party. My feeling the need to be right in there with them led me to a lot of hangovers over the years. In the end I found a way to be mostly alone, but continued to drink anyway.

I am an introvert and like to be alone, but I need people. I know it is contradictory on the surface, but the small circle of people I do have in my life are very important to me. I like being around them.

I was never actaully an introvert but alcohol definetely boosted my confidence in my teens and twenties. I was a bit intoverted when I stopped however, but I have overcome that over the years xx

Thankyou so much for posting! I can totally relate to this!! I could also be your twin!!

This is me to a T. I tend to be made fun of, in a joking way of course. I can't tell you how many times people will describe me as a hermit.... as if it's a bad thing. But then I do realize that some people just don't enjoy their own comany :)

This is so so true. I realize now that many people who do not enjoy their own company are not happy or content with themselves and need external influence for justification or belief. Learning that there is nothing wrong with being alone or indeed that it can be a postive thing has been such a learning experience for me since getting sober

Yes, yes and YES to all of what you wrote. When I think of entering a big room of people I don't know, I feel sick to my stomach (this is the reason I am so scared to go to an AA meeting as well, it is just so daunting). Over the years, I convinced myself that I couldn't go to a party or group event without a few drinks or I would be unable to converse with anyone or socialize at all.

I've gone to just a few things since I stopped drinking. It feels to me like I'm struggling socially/feeling awkward but I'm able to see that it's not something people around me are noticing (or at least I hope not). And if they are, well, then they are. It's a lot better than drinking too much and embarrassing myself THAT way. Lordy.

I don't know what my social life is going to end up looking like. The only reason this really concerns me, honestly, is because I'm single and it makes me wonder how I'll meet people and in particular people who don't have a life centered around drinking. Of course this careens me down a path of worrying why anyone will want a "defective" person like me who is a recovering alcoholic blah blah blah -- but I'm going to try to just worry about today instead of going down all those roads of worry and stress. :)

Thanks for posting this. It clearly resonates with many of us.

Jackie

I can relate even though I'm not extremely introverted. I'm ten days sober, and I've pretty much avoided social situations so far, except for New Years Eve with a few people who I know well and who have known me both drunk and sober. Haven't really formulated a plan for dealing with the public, especially those casual friends who mostly know me as a musician and lover of IPA.

122213, a couple of thoughts about your post: I, too, get in the rut of thinking I'm a "defective" person, but I've been trying to reverse that attitude. When I catch myself thinking that, I remind myself that I am sober and I've survived a number of serious ordeals. Despite being introduced to alcohol in the womb and being born with minor deformities, I can read and write - I'm not a complete idiot. Despite falling into the same trap as my mother, I deserve some credit for finally working on myself and getting a grip on life. I'm trying to be kind to yourself and give myself some credit. We've all fallen, but the important part is that we're getting up.

About meeting people: I have not had good luck with Al Anon, AA, or NA meetings. I'm not dissing those who benefit from that route, but I just personally have met some very volatile and untrustworthy individuals at meetings who have just been bummers for me. I'm sure it all depends on the group you happen to find. I've had better luck going to the gym, to yoga classes, or getting involved in volunteer activities. Because I play music, and most my gigs are in bars, I'm working on getting a local gallery or coffee house to sponsor a monthly music showcase. My wife joined a knitting group when she got sober, and got involved in the local arts council and art classes. I took a ceramics class, and it was perfect because I could gab with folks or just get into my own head and own work. It depends on your interests...

Thanks for your thoughts, Zero. I can look at you, and others here, and not think of any of you as "defective." It's just hard being that kind to myself, as we all know. But I'm getting there.

Oh, and I think as you were typing your post, I was signing up for volunteering with my local animal shelter. I get trained next Sunday and then I can jump right in. I'm hoping to meet some people that way. The volunteering for this particular program is to take the bigger/more active dogs for walks/runs around the park. I'm really excited because no matter how shy/introverted I am, the dogs are such a great buffer/conversation starter. And like your wife, I'm looking for meet-ups in my city that involve art classes as well. Trying to meet people with common interests that aren't drinking interests. :) Thanks for your feedback.

Jackie

I definitely relate! I was always I guess "shy" without a lot of friends, but people I would talk to would say I was alright once people got to know me. Alcohol gave me confidence and false pride to where I would start talking to people more even if my pre-conceived notion was that I was not going to like them. Which isn't all bad I guess. In sobriety I have been able to hang onto that somewhat in that I'm not necessarily "the quiet one" all the time anymore, but I'm also not associating with folks I normally would not because I am inebriated. I used to tell myself I could not face people or situations without a drink. Now I either face them and do what I must ( example would be a phone call to an ex) or if I feel like it's something I can't handle right now (a New Years party with drugs and booze) I simply don't do it.

Awesome. My wife has a lot of friends who she got to know through her love of dogs. Have fun!