The paranoia started...
 

I tried doctors... go on talk!!!
I tried all sorts of pills, got even worse.

I tried seriously from 2012, then this year.... 9 days outside the market far far away & I go and find a camel.

I passed most Christmas overdoing it...
thought ok... never mind the 1st 2014 a total blackout and start clean again.
So I started the new year with my dressing gown on fire...

Does not even count 4 days as the anxiety and aggressiveness took over so started tapping benzo.

This morning in the hairdresser I walked in and with the speed of light I got two shots.

Then I putted myself in the right position to get free bees.
I did not even planned it...
my sub conscience took me there... like a zomby!
I am not joking!!! half of me did not know...

And the worse...
my head started talking in the background telling me nasty things... constantly... the paranoias started... What nasty things people say at my back,,,I cut communications... I upset my only healthy friends...

Instead of having fun out with my bran new hair cut...
I am stoned at home alone and bitter.

Then I say never mind I start tomorrow again :cries3:
I keep on falling but feel each time I fall into a deeper sleep!

MY HEAD IS DRIVING ME MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD :gaah
I tried so hard time and time this never endssssssssssssssss

I hope your anxiety fades and you start feeling better. :hug:

I know the despair Aiko...but have you heard the saying nothing changes if nothing changes.

what can you change Aiko?

I'm particularly worried about things like your dressing gown on fire - I had many close calls like that too - some people die tragically from stuff like that.

the stakes are getting higher Aiko - don't you think it's time for change?

D

I tried so hard time and time this never endssssssssssssssss

I am not really sure I buy this at all. We have talked about changing things and you always have an answer. You had an infamous thread a few months ago going into your pilgrimage with lots of good advice and you heeded none of it...yet you are surprised you're in the same situation???

You are deluding yourself to believe you have tried because what you are really doing is trying different cocktails of booze and pills and weed and pills and hoping magically you will become sober.

How about starting with the construct of wanting to be sober more than drunk/high? In all your posts I am not sure I have heard you say you really want to be sober. Presuming you do, how about developing a plan? Plenty of people (myself included) are willing to help here.

If you can do these two things I guarantee you can have success getting sober.

The reality is you have one of three outcomes: 1) you will be institutionalized (penal or mental); 2) you will die; or 3) you can get sober. It is really this simple - which option do you want?

Hola Aiko...what is holding you back from getting clean? Do you enjoy getting drunk and stoned anymore?

I added & translated
3 ) To want to be sober... I have to change my life...

Tomorrow will be awake most of the day...
I have to dig it in my head! Going to think awake!
Tk you for your sincere words @-}--

Tomorrow show:
Have to put my poker face to my family...
My brother for the first time phoned and ask me how I was...
He is going to ask me tomorrow... Will have to explain...
I promise my mum I would take her.

Yes, Aiko, you have to take action to become sober. Keep thinking and doing whatever you can do in the moment, to stay sober.

Why the poker face with your family? Why not let them know you are sick and need some help - I would imagine they respect you getting help? It would also provide some accountability. Can you go to a detox in Spain? I am not sure how the healthcare works or your financial situation. That might be the best approach here - you should not detox alone given the duration, variety and quantity you are taking.

I second what Cabo asked - it does not seem you truly have had enough. I see a romance in the drinking and drug use. I am not judging, I get it, I did some of this too but it was past tense romance as I was sobering up.

I am still digesting all your thoughts.

I had a massive raw with 2 of my bfs and
do not know if they talk to me tomorrow...

Yes I am deluted... I could do it...
My familly option discarded.
Got to work...
Can not desappear for detox...
I have to do it I but I am not right!
I know tomortow my heart is going to pump crazy.
I am having a really hard time.
am still thinking & sinking

Please try and get some help. When I lived in Malaga, the doctors were fantastic and non judgemental. Tranquilo xxxxx

Dear SR friends,

I am going to ask some help to my friends I can not do it.
you were right I thought I could but is getting worse and worse.

I will have to swallow my pride and go to some **** AA I think NA is for drug abuse... and I am in the middle of everything... I really do not want to go. Lets see If I got the ovaries to go...

I keep on mixing and at the end something will happen.
I only want to get home and get un-conscience and relax all the anxiety.
instead of doing something constructive.

I do not know if I want to be sober... but this is no way of living.
I am awake at work with coffee and as soon as I get out I am looking for ways to get of the wagon. I can not get up in the mornings... god.

Just to let you know I am going to try to get some help.
I can not do it!!! :headbange

Love you lots and thank you for putting up with me :thanks

Aiko

I really hope that you can access the help you need. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe and get clean and sober. Take care :hug:

I'm glad you're looking for help Aiko :)

D

me too...