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Old 01-04-2014, 05:46 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Your never to far gone,,, and I agree, I think posting on FB is a mistake. This place can offer the support you need and you can post 24/7 for all of us to see. People without the disease will not understand,,, we will.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:20 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Many times over the years I secretly wished that my wife would leave or that I would get arrested or have something bad happen. I think I wanted circumstances to force my hand. Like I somehow wasn't strong enough to just do it for my own good, and the good of those around me. I think you are normal. I think you are strong enough. I think you are going to surprise yourself in the end. Never give up!
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Old 01-04-2014, 07:28 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Yes AN, the fact that you keep coming back and keep trying is really a good sign.

Lots and lots of us have to start over and over.

Try looking at your "trigger variables" and writing them down.
What are you thinking about before you go buy booze? Your ex?
The mistakes you've made? Your future?

Notice that and then respond differently when you think about those things as a conscious decision.

Take your pups for a walk. Go to the library and get a book or DVD. Go to an art gallery or museum.
Take a walk by the sea or sit down in a coffee shop to be around people.

You are trying to create a new habit to replace the old one.

I also agree about not posting on FB, and in really trying to connect and give AA a chance at least by talking to people, working the steps, and getting a sponsor.

Also you noted that you don't post on here before a slip. That should be the first thing you do at the moment. I've seen lots of people do this--the "help posts"-- and it seems to work more often then not.

You can do this AN. You want it and if you keep trying different responses to the triggers, I think you will succeed in the end.
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Old 01-04-2014, 08:51 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I was in the same position as yourself, animalnurse9, this time last year. I knew I needed to be sober and I even started attending AA meetings. Well, I won't say I knew that I needed to be sober, I simply wanted to be. Trust me, there is a quite a difference. I went to meetings and listened most of the time. I would talk at times but never felt like I fit in. Most of the people there had hit a rock bottom I didn't know existed. Many people at the meetings were former drug users in addition to alcoholics. I never so much as drank and drive, much less earned a DUI. I never had a blackout before and I certainly didn't get in fights or become physically ill when I drank. Though I knew deep down that my drinking was not healthy or normal despite those differences. Yet even though I was going to meetings a couple times a week and had my life together I could not for the life of me get sober for more than a couple weeks at a time. After 3 months of attending meetings I decided that I was not an alcoholic.... or at least not a bad one!

Fast forward 6 months. I was laid off from my job I planned on making a long-term career out of. I was completely devastated. A friend of mine is a chef and hooked me up with a job cooking at a bar since I was newly unemployed. My drinking began to evolve. I was drinking every night on the job (which was fine with my bosses) and drinking one too many drinks to be driving home after work. I was going to an other bar that stayed open 'til 4 am after my bar closed and drank there with other industry people. Though I'm a happily married man I found myself avoiding going home and flirting with strange women in bars. I knew all of this behavior was a result of losing my job but I didn't realize just how down it was really dragging me. I was in denial about that too.

As would fate would have it, I was pulled over one night after work (having drank a couple beers) because of a minor traffic violation. I admitted I had a beer before driving and of course I had to get out of the car. I was terrified. I was extremely luckily that I was only given a field sobriety test and I passed, but I knew the Universe was giving me a not-so-gentle nudge to wake up to my alcoholism. It took me a couple months and drinking on a new job (which is not acceptable) to come to terms with my shame associated with my drinking, but I finally got it. I'm 6 days sober now and doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I couldn't make a meeting last night in person after work so I did an online chat meeting. I'm putting my sobriety first now because I know I have to. My rock bottom was low enough for me. I can't imagine the place I'd be in if gets any worse.

My point to that long drawn out story? Getting sober is a very personal choice and you have to be in the right place with the right mentality. It has taken me three attempts so far to get on the track to long-term sobriety. I really hope that you can get sober now but if by some small chance you don't... that's okay too. And it doesn't mean you can't be sober in the future. Everyone is going to experience a different kind of "rock bottom" or ways they abuse alcohol. Remember that at meetings. Look for all the ways you're similar to other alcoholics, not differences. That was a huge stumbling block for me. Best of luck and please feel free to e-mail me if you need help.
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Old 01-04-2014, 11:55 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Im actually so amazed and humbled by all the responses and advice. You guys are awesome. There is alot to take away from all that's been said and I'm really grateful.will continue to re read all the advice today.thanks so much xx
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Old 01-04-2014, 12:13 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Thinking of you AN! It's really hard to change our lives when it comes to drinking. This last week I was in a pitiful state of woe-is-me depression and I similarly either wanted some great disaster (as if this isn't already in the making) or someone to rescue me...I have since realized that a) I don't really want a disaster and NO ONE is going to rescue me (even if I have a disaster).
I had alcohol on 12/29/13 but haven't had any since then. I just can't handle alcohol and it's taken me since last Fall to really realize this fact and to accept the connection between this drug and my mental health. The next time I want to drink I a going to post here b/c I failed to do that and just gave in to what has been the norm for me- drinking!
Anyway - that's just my story. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this crazy battle! Peace!
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Old 01-04-2014, 02:16 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by animalnurse9 View Post
Is weird.but I feel like I'm praying for something really bad to happen while I'm drinking. Something so catastrophic that it would be impossible to continue.how awful and blasphemous is that
I used to think that way too, though it was more often an expectation than a wish. So I got what I wanted...A near-death experience with my internal organs on the verge of shutting down.

My medical problems cleared up after only a few months of sobriety.

If you wait for something catastrophic to happen, it probably will.
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