jwbm

Hi,

I have visited this forum from time to time, and decided to post due to a recent situation I experienced.

I am around 9 months sober give or take (I try not to keep a count of the days), could be more, could be less although I would say edging on closer to a year.

In that time, slowly my life has started to improve; This wouldnt be hard considering my life consisted of sitting alone every day drinking. I was accepted into university, and have been attending the gym with a friend. I have been taking things in slow progressive steps with a plan/goal in mind to reach the things I wish to achieve in life, being good money, steady career, companionship, happiness and contentment.

At present my anxiety can reach almost unmanageable levels - For example, if I am not in university, at the gym with my friend or with one of a couple of friends, I am pretty much closed up inside the house by myself due to anxiety that comes from being around other people. If I go out for a walk, its in the dead of night where I know I won't bump into anyone or see anyone about. I've been trying to go for walks every night/morning, to help get me out of the house more, even if it is still a secluded experience.

Prior to about 3 weeks ago, I genuinely thought I was fine. My ego was starting to enter full flight mode from attending the gym and the progress I was making in university, and I finally asked a girl out who I'd liked for some time, and she said yes.

This is where it all went wrong I think. Looking back, at the start when I asked her, I was doing my own thing and I was happy and contented with my own progress, feeling good about myself. Very quickly however, I started to put her on a pedistal and romanticise my relationship with her in my mind. This gradually took over to where practically every thought I had was based around her. This as you can imagine, scared her off and she hasn't talked to me since

I've learned a few things from this experience, so its not all bad. I am searching for a solution though. During the second time I had met her, the conversation went that way and I ended up telling her that I liked her, however due to anxiety levels and other issues possibly, I know for a fact I came across as desperate and needy and not as myself or just "normal".

I have a feeling that my behaviour comes from abandonment issues in my childhood, and judging by how hard I took this rejection, there are self esteem issues at play also. I am also starting to think that I have no real idea and don't understand how relationships or interactions between male and female should be, and as such start acting irrationally, impatient possibly and desperate.

Since I haven't talked to her, the concerning thing is that the huge wound has opened again; Thank god I havent lifted a drink, and I do feel like I am coming out of it each day, but it has felt very much like an alcoholic binge. My head hasn't been "here" and i've lost a lot of weight and been sleeping on the sofa, irrational sleeping patterns, avoiding uni work etc. All over a girl id only met twice? I don't think that the girl is the issue, the issue is me and I am here hoping that someone will be able to help me with this area, as the life of going to uni, going to the gym was fine for a while, now it feels like I need to take a step forward and start actually living my life rather than being a shutin, but I really don't know how and am full of fear. I'm tired of being lonely but I don't have the foggiest notion how to live a normal life and just be happy and normal with people it seems.

KateL

I can resonate with your story. My childhood was a mess and I needed to regain some self esteem which is entirely different from ego. You can find the tools to be happy and content and there is plenty of information and support here. Welcome x

jwbm

How did you go about gaining the self esteem? My self esteem is literally in the toilet to the point i stand with my head down in queues in shops or looking at my phone instead of looking at people. I literally feel like im as fed up with this now as I was with alcohol when I quit.

Thanks for the welcome btw hopefully I find some answers here

KateL

Firstly, you must realise that you are a sensitive soul that is easily swayed toward addiction to take away the pain, and that doesn't make you a bad person. Shame and guilt is a negative emotion, so you must forgive yourself and move on. You didn't ask to be an addict. We are brought up to beleive that the legal drug that is alcohol is fine and dandy. You have done nothing wrong and your journey has just evolved this way. All people have wonderful potential but some just get lost along the way. Find your true selff again and battle on .. YOU CAN DO IT .. LOVE AND HUGS xxxx

deeker

I was told not to make any major decisions or get into any relationships the first year . It makes sense. Our feelings are all over the place. We need to work on ourselves. We are not emotionally ready for rejection or disappointment. I was told we stop growing emotionally the day we started using. So emotionally we are still back there.

Do you have a sponsor or counselor?

jwbm

thanks for the reply deeker. i've started to see myself that i would have been nowhere near ready for a relationship anyway judging by the way i reacted to the rejection lol... the positive thing though is i felt all those old rejection feelings without drinking which im hoping is part of the healing process - every other time ive experienced that feeling ive just blocked it out with drink or drugs.

i dont actually attend AA meetings - i have done in the past, i really dont like them - partly because of social anxiety - i do follow the aa programme though and have a close friend who is also an AA member and has 37 years sobriety who helps me. we discussed working through the steps the other night, where i seem to fall every time is step 3.

the hardest thing i have found throughout this is, not knowing how to act, or like im constantly questioning my behaviour and comparing to "is this normal? should i have done this, why didnt i do that?" etc... Totally inept at social interaction. I've learned the past few weeks that there are issues there that need worked out before I attempt to go near any girls, i'm just not sure the best approach...

freshstart57

JWBM, one of the best medicines for self esteem is to help others - volunteer. Food banks, drop in centers, soup kitchens, all are looking for smart, able and willing people just like you. You have so much to offer, to that certain someone and to many others too. Make a phone call or two, get ready to listen, and put a smile where it goes, and things will turn for you.

I wish you well, jw. I have a feeling that you are going to be just fine.

FreeOwl

Have you considered doing any work in therapy or perhaps in a group setting?

I believe that many of us wrestle with our individual wounds and while some of them may indeed be wound up in our alcohol use - also some of them, when we take away the alcohol, stand on their own needing some support.

For me, I know that I suffer(ed) self esteem and abandonment issues and have also found myself "losing myself" in relationship with women and putting them at the center of everything to my detriment. I found that therapy with a good psychologist was really helpful in progressing my understanding of my own wounds and in beginning to move beyond them. Also, group work with men's retreats and men's group therapy was really helpful in finding that a) it's very common. b) I'm not alone. c) there are ways of confronting and resolving these issues that lead to empowering new beliefs. d) in doing so, I have found my way to a new and deeper ability to have a whole and real relationship with a strong woman....

Hang in there. Your perspective on all of this sounds very good and if you take the lessons you can from the experience, search honestly for 'next steps' you can take in your own evolution and hold faith in your own growth at just the right pace for YOU - it will all unfold as it should.

SoberMama13

Thanks for your honest post and welcome to a caring bunch of drunks.
I was interested in your getting stuck at Step 3, particularly with your high anxiety, which I also share with you. Care to share more?
My panic disorder was a major reason I drank, and now that I don't have the alcohol sometimes tasks that feel like they "should" (hate that word) be easy are not.
Definitely echo the therapy replies- you sound like a highly intelligent alkie who know's what's up, but you also sound like having someone walk with you through this season would be highly beneficial.
Regarding the anxiety- and I know we are not supposed to give medical advice- my doc put me on a medication which is non addictive, cross prescribed, and I am SOO thankful to God that I don't have to pop my benzos anymore... Maybe if your physical symptoms were not so overwhelming, you'd be able to focus more on the part of you that is terrified of life on life's terms?
Sorry for the long response which didn't really go anywhere
You're not alone.

SeekingGrowth

JWBM, your post resonates with me. I have been reading a little bit lately about love addiction, and what you describe in terms of how you reacted to this girl seems to fit right in with that. You even say that "it has felt very much like an alcoholic binge." We all know that the Beast (in RR-speak), "inner addict", whatever you want to call it just lies in wait, hoping to trick you, sneakily draw you back in. It is cunning, baffling, powerful ... as they say. You think you've got this, and then something sneaks in through the back door. Sounds like this girl snuck in through the back door and awoke your inner addict. Those "first love" feelings are like being high, right? Happy, euphoric, everything right with the world.

I don't have an issue with substance addiction, but I do have an issue with this. I swore off romantic relationships for quite some time, and then realized I had a problem when I reacted similarly to a friendship - it got in through the back door, my guard was down because who gets crazy like that with a friendship? I did.

I've concluded that it all comes down to self-esteem and self-worth issues. I crave that outside validation that I am OK, better than OK, lovable, because I have trouble giving that to myself. For ME, the 12 step program is hugely helpful, as are the various recovery principles and ideas that are derived from the program. Although I didn't recognize it as clearly as I do now, I tend to hold myself to some impossible standard of perfection to which I never measure up, so I need to constantly work on not only self-love, but self-acceptance. Some of those pithy little maxims coming out of AA help me because they are easy to remember and keep at the front of my brain, a placeholder for broader concepts. Like "progress, not perfection."

I think the answer is to focus on cultivating self-love and self-acceptance, rather than focusing on how you relate to girls and the potential for romantic relationships. Your reaction to the girl was a symptom, I think, of the self-love/self-acceptance problem, so you can't fix it by trying to adjust your behavior to eliminate the symptom while ignoring the underlying problem. Not sure if this is true, as I'm still trying to work through this myself, but this is what I have concluded so far in relation to my own issues.

anyistoomuch

THIS -

And I think that by acknowledging this experience and the issues you are having around abandonment and all those other things, especially RECOGNIZING that your feelings are larger than the situation that caused them, you are DOING THE WORK OF REAL RECOVERY. That is ridiculously positive and MAJOR!

I honestly believe that recovery has more to do with getting at the holes we tried to fill by drinking, rather than being addicted itself.

I want to strongly encourage you to see a good therapist and not undertake this work alone. There is no reason in the world you should try to face these things without a trained professional to help you sort through them and give you some safe coping mechanisms and processes to get you through these feelings to the other side.

If money is an issue - most universities have counseling services, and many therapists have a sliding scale for people. If that doesn't work, call your primary care doctor or anyone who can can get you a referral to get some help. That's all. Don't take no.

Don't let deep rooted injuries from your past stop you from moving forward in your life. You are not that person any more.

hugs. PM me if you want to chat.

jwbm

Thanks for the replies everyone.

About the volunteering thing, I am going to have a think about this one and see what ideas I can come up with - one personality flaw i've noticed recently that bugs me is that im incredibly selfish and self centred, and spend much too much time analysing and focusing on how i feel and really need to learn to be more concerned with others than concerned with myself. At times though if im honest, it feels like an act when I try :/ lol

A friend has got a number for me for some christian councelling who she is convinced will be able to help me with my rejection and abandonment issues which are really the real issues here.

Just can't stop beating myself up over this girl though; If it happened for a reason to let me heal past wounds or realise areas that need work, thats great, but the problem is I REALLY liked this one thats not something that comes very often to me i'm starting to think I also need to learn to treat all as equals rather than comparing or getting sucked into one-itis, because that frame of mind ruins any chance every time. Had that over-analysis not been there, and had I remained focused on myself and my own goals, and been comfortable around her rather than a nervous wreck, and also not moved the idea of anything with this girl into the forefront of importance in my mind, I have a feeling things would have turned out very different.

SoberMama, I can share as much as you like - what would you like to know? My doctor also has me on bedranol which is a day-released beta blocker... It isn't a total fix but it does provide some slight relief from anxiety. I cant touch benzos either lol, wasn't that long ago I took one or two and ended up on a spree on them lol :/

Anxiety has been a huge issue in my drinking and drug taking behaviour. I always felt extremely nervous around groups of people, even close friends - alcohol and drugs allowed me to express myself without fear. As always though this devolved into my behaviour being totally unacceptable when drinking, ending up with the guilt, shame and remorse which led to more drinking, etc... The hangovers were the cherry on top of the cake for panic attacks and missing days from work or totally isolating myself, in turn the isolation led to feelings of intense loneliness which led to more drinking etc etc...