ForestRunner

I will have been married to my husband for 20 years in April. We have always been very yin and yang. He is the dark and I am the light. He has a hard time being happy or nice or easygoing. I am the opposite. It comes naturally to me. Our boys are 9 and 10. While I would never blame my husband for my drinking, I will say he is trigger. I drink to escape his bad moods, his rude comments, his biting remarks. Often his "jokes" and "teasing" are just not funny. I also love him. He is a rock, a hard worker, a family man, lover of nature. He motivates all of us to get out and do things. I can see that my sobriety is going to pose a challenge to our relationship and our family. I simply will not put up with his d/(&!$hne$$ anymore. I'm done. Anyone experienced this? He's not one that would respond to counseling, at least not yet. I definitely push back and call him on his constant bu()$h!t but it doesn't seem to affect him. He does not seem to care about my happiness. I'm willing to give him time because he may resent how much I've retreated in the last few years and may not really understand why. But lord! He wears me out...

drunkfunk

You need to see a therapist. Your partner should be your rock, not a trigger.

least

Counseling might be a good idea, if not for the both of you, then just for your support during these trying times.

SeaScape

Change - both positive and negative - can be really hard on relationships! It has been for me! I hope you can put your sobriety first while taking care of working things out for a happy future! You deserve to put it first and to have support.

Anna

I definitely changed in early recovery and my relationship with my husband changed as well. If your husband doesn't care about your happiness, I'm not sure what you can do. My suggestion would be to focus on yourself and your recovery. You have decided to change, but it doesn't mean that your husband is in sync with you and will change too. I agree that couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

Branches

Forest Runner, I hear you. Once you get sober there's a tendency to say, "I'm not putting up with this *()* any more!" And I want the change to be immediate if not sooner. It took us a while to get to the point where we wanted to change, right? Our spouses and families and friends are used to our relationships being a certain way and us reacting a certain way. I'm learning there's a way to effectuate change slowly and with love (thanks to SR). I'm working on stating what I feel or want CALMLY, like I'm ordering breakfast in a restaurant, without a lot of "heat" to it. Just stating it without saying "You always" or "You never" or "That's why I needed to drink , to be able to live with YOU, you rat!" (I just say it in my head, LOL)
Give him and you some slack, it's early days. If things remain the same after a few months, then maybe some couple counseling? I hope things get better for you soon.

kpatrick

So sorry to hear that. Sobriety will be good for you regardless of your home situation.

Tiptree

Great advice Branches!

alphaomega

Oh yes, my dear. Early sobriety reeks havoc on relationships. Even those well established ones such as ours.

Since it's no longer ok to drink at someone's inconsiderateness, we have to face it squarely in the jaw. And most likely, that hasn't been done for a very VERY long time.

It makes for interesting evenings when there is a whole hell of a lot less acquiescing going on from both your sides. In my situation, as I imagine is the case in most relationships where there is active using going on, there is enabling and codependency. Neither of which make for real relationships. Remove the booze, and your as naked as the day your were born.

KateL

Yes it is early days and sying things in your head is good. You are in charge of your thoughts then. It is amazing how many people I have heard talk of marital problems in sobriety and it is often the alcohol dependant person that has the concerns rather than the other way around. I finished with my long term partner when I woke up and saw what he was really like, but I did wait until I was certain and into a respectable time of recovery.

Marcher13

ForestRunner, have you tried talking to him? I mean actually initiating the discussion at a peaceful time when the boys aren't around? I'm very good at expecting my husband to read my mind, in sobriety I am learning to say what's on my mind -- politely but clearly.

Familygirl65

Sorry about your difficult hubby...I think some times tha'ts their job or they think it is! My thought was him going to Alanon. You probably already know this but, it's for the spouse (or whatever you want to call it) of the addict. It's a group setting, there is all kinds of support, understanding and love there. He may not think of it as counseling per say, you can just say it's like you going to an AA meeting...I don't know it's worth a try!
My husband goes to a group at Kaiser called "Concerned Others", same idea.
Don't forget about the power of Prayer!
Hang in there

ForestRunner

I am going to give him time and see how he adjusts to the "new me". Not sure how different I will be than before, but at least we'll both have time to adjust...

Branches

There you go! One thing I found really helpful for me is when I had an "issue" with my hubby, I brought it here to SR first - not all the hairy details, but the basics - and sought consensus if this was something to go to the mat over or wait. I was and am still so new to recovery that I sometimes don't know whether to give hubby a pass or nail his hind end to the wall. I benefit from the wisdom that others have gained in their recovery.

IMHO, I personally feel that it's always okay, if someone says something really mean or disrespectful, to say "Ouch. That was hurtful." If I say that, then I feel I'm not making an accusation, I'm just stating my feelings are hurt. The other person then has the opportunity to clarify, apologize, rephrase, or do nothing.

I wish you and your hubby well in your new journey.

ForestRunner

Thanks for the encouragement. I have been really mum about my plans to get sober, because I did not want to make promises I couldn't keep. But, as I have stated in other threads, I have been more open about it with my close girlfriends, three of whom are here in Maui with us on vacation. They have been openly supportive and encouraging of me in front of my husband, saying things like, "I am so proud of you" and "I know how hard it must be". Hubby seems to be catching on that this is a big deal and is being rather sweet to me the last few days. It helps. I know it will be much harder for him when we both return to our stressful lives, but it sure is nice in these early days when temptation runs high.

kcbf

I too have difficulty with my husband. The hardest part of this for me is, when I am sober, he doesn't recognize it, doesn't commend me or acknowledge me, he only attacks me when I am not. This I my journey and my journey alone. I don't know that it will change the relationship with my spouse, but it will change my relationship with myself and God. Maybe that is what I have been scared of all this time. To get sober and learn that I picked the wrong partner. Wow how does one digest all that? So, I stayed drunk all this time....but NO more. Hang in there and do what is right for you. The rest will fall into place. Just be true to yourself.

Branches

" I too have difficulty with my husband. The hardest part of this for me is, when I am sober, he doesn't recognize it, doesn't commend me or acknowledge me, he only attacks me when I am not.
I'm sorry your spouse is not more supportive. If I may share with some embarrassment from my own experience?

Until it was me wearing the "alcohol dependent" party hat, I had very little patience/empathy/sympathy for people who had stopped using. In a sanctimonious kind of way, I thought by saying "Good for you" it was like saying "Good for you" to a thief for not stealing. Why compliment someone on not doing what they shouldn't do in the first place? That was my thinking. What, me say, "Congratulations on not making a drunk ass of yourself last night. Way to go!" How ridiculous. I made a moral judgment on it, like it was a character weakness that the person had total free will about.

I was wrong, but it took some reading on SR and my own frustrations and failures and "why do I do this to myself" conversations in my head to open my eyes.

So let me tell you what I should have said to more people:
Good for you! Congratulations on making a decision to take care of yourself and change your life. You rock!"

KateL

That is so nice x

Anna

I'm glad your husband is noticing your efforts. If you look at it from his point of view, he is likely scared of you changing, because he doesn't know what to expect. I hope things continue to improve.

ForestRunner

My doc & I also talked about letting go of my feelings of guilt, shame and moral failure. I am finally coming to terms with accepting that I am not a bad person for having an alcohol problem. But now that I know and understand that I have a problem, I feel I have a choice to address it or not to address it. I may not always be perfect, but I will keep moving towards my goal of long-term sobriety.