Taking care of family and relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 54
Taking care of family and relapse
I realized something, and I'm not proud of it but I'm also not upset about it either. I drink to cope. My mother had advanced COPD and Lupus, I had moved back in to take care of her and my father who at the time had 2 mini strokes and the beginnings of Dementia. He was a Doctor so that was hard for him and the rest of the family. When I moved in my brother and sister basically abandoned me and left me to take care of them. Since I wasn't married with children they felt I should take on 100% responsibility. I don't agree with this and it really hurt me. I love my parents so I had no problem taking on the responsibility but they never even came over to let me go out and excerise or see my friends. Luckily my friends would come over to my place, the guy I worked out with brought the equipment to me, but it still pissed me off. I always like to drink, but at this time is when I really started drinking at night. To relax, calm myself or honestly to medicate.
When my mom passed I couldn't do it anymore. So I told my siblings it was now there turn. I deserved a life, a career (I have an MS) just because I was single didn't mean I deserved nothing. My sister bailed and told me I was selfish, I told my brother since he was inheriting the house and his wife was a housewife to move in and take care of what will be theirs. They did. I am now taking care of him since they went on vacation. He has now advanced dementia and even though he knows who I am, it is very difficult cleaning up after him. I usually live in Brooklyn so I don't have nor need a car, they live on Staten Island where you need a car and I have been left with nothing. So... i ordered booze after a long while of sobriety. I'm not happy about it, but it helps. I can't wait to leave the end of this weekend when they get back to get back to life.
Has anyone had to deal with this kind of crap? Am I the one being selfish?
When my mom passed I couldn't do it anymore. So I told my siblings it was now there turn. I deserved a life, a career (I have an MS) just because I was single didn't mean I deserved nothing. My sister bailed and told me I was selfish, I told my brother since he was inheriting the house and his wife was a housewife to move in and take care of what will be theirs. They did. I am now taking care of him since they went on vacation. He has now advanced dementia and even though he knows who I am, it is very difficult cleaning up after him. I usually live in Brooklyn so I don't have nor need a car, they live on Staten Island where you need a car and I have been left with nothing. So... i ordered booze after a long while of sobriety. I'm not happy about it, but it helps. I can't wait to leave the end of this weekend when they get back to get back to life.
Has anyone had to deal with this kind of crap? Am I the one being selfish?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
As a live in caregiver, I drank to cope too. And dealt with selfish family members. It did not go well.
Stay sober, you need your wits about you. Tell yourself if you have to you can drink when all is said and done, but until then you need to stay sharp, as painful as that may be.
No, you're not selfish for wanting a life for yourself. Seek out help for what you're going through and address it; it can turn to self pity real quick and going down that road can have devastating consequences.
Take good care.
Stay sober, you need your wits about you. Tell yourself if you have to you can drink when all is said and done, but until then you need to stay sharp, as painful as that may be.
No, you're not selfish for wanting a life for yourself. Seek out help for what you're going through and address it; it can turn to self pity real quick and going down that road can have devastating consequences.
Take good care.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
It's really hard when our parents get older and require care, and, IMO, an individual's contribution to that care is a personal decision. I don't think it's anyone's place to judge whether or not your choices are selfish--it sounds like you are working on establishing boundaries and doing what's right for you, at this time.
On another note, while I understand how drinking can make things feel better "temporarily," I hope that you will reconsider sobriety. Seems like you are working hard to make your own decisions and lead your own life. Maybe try to use all of the positive things you've got going to help deal with the difficult stuff? Staying with your dad sounds incredibly tough, but, at the end of the weekend, you'll be back to your own life. You've committed to looking after him for a few days--he deserves a sober caregiver.
On another note, while I understand how drinking can make things feel better "temporarily," I hope that you will reconsider sobriety. Seems like you are working hard to make your own decisions and lead your own life. Maybe try to use all of the positive things you've got going to help deal with the difficult stuff? Staying with your dad sounds incredibly tough, but, at the end of the weekend, you'll be back to your own life. You've committed to looking after him for a few days--he deserves a sober caregiver.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 54
I didn't mess up that much just a little. I'm an extrovert so this is hard for me. In Brooklyn I walk with my dog maybe 3 or 4 miles a day. On Staten Island I don't walk at all. The dog is fine, big yard, but I see nobody. I like walking to the deli or pizzeria and saying hi to my neighbors. Here I do none of that and I get depressed. I told my brother and he blows it off by saying "trust me, those people could care less if they see you".. so mean. I know, they probably don't, they just want me to buy my club soda and get on my way. But it isn't the point of them "liking" or "caring" about me, its about being out of the house and moving. I love to walk, I love parks, I love just being another animal on the farm (if that makes any sense). So this feeling trapped kills me. My father can't help he is sick and I would do whatever it takes to make his last years safe and comfortable. I just wish my siblings would be a little more caring. I always lived to a different drummer and they hated it (my mother loved it) and I think all this made them find a way to trap me cause they are so "normal"... Not sure I'm making any sense anymore.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Being a caregiver is a tough job, and I'm glad your brother and his wife have at least stepped up.
It's good of you to step up and allow them the break too.
But GG, drinking's not coping - really, drinking is opting out and running away.
It's not really optimal either if something happens to your dad and you're not 'with it', is it?.
If going back to caring for your dad is hard for you while your brother and his wife are on vacation, maybe you can look around for community help organisations that might be able to come in sometimes and help out and give you all a little respite?
D
It's good of you to step up and allow them the break too.
But GG, drinking's not coping - really, drinking is opting out and running away.
It's not really optimal either if something happens to your dad and you're not 'with it', is it?.
If going back to caring for your dad is hard for you while your brother and his wife are on vacation, maybe you can look around for community help organisations that might be able to come in sometimes and help out and give you all a little respite?
D
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Caregiving my alcoholic COPD mother was the straw that broke the alcoholic's back--
in this case me--
I drank to deal with the stress of dealing with her, and believe, she did not go easily
into that good night.
She drank and smoked herself in and out of hospitals, and nursing homes, and assisted living, and always wanted to be back in her house and for so many years I broke my health and spirit to keep her there.
That's when I started drinking the double martinis in the shower after a long day at work and then dealing with her at home, hospital, etc.
I get it. I'm glad you are stepping away.
One always wants to do the right thing for a parent.
My brother also totally abdicated any care or responsiblity for my mom, so it was
dumped on me too.
I stopped drinking but not until two years after she died.
Of course her affairs were not in order and her house looked like a hoarder's dream,
so it took easily a year after her death to deal with that.
Stand your ground for sibling help. Look after you.
The booze is no substitute for self-care. Don't let it take you over like I did.
Best to you and please keep posting.
in this case me--
I drank to deal with the stress of dealing with her, and believe, she did not go easily
into that good night.
She drank and smoked herself in and out of hospitals, and nursing homes, and assisted living, and always wanted to be back in her house and for so many years I broke my health and spirit to keep her there.
That's when I started drinking the double martinis in the shower after a long day at work and then dealing with her at home, hospital, etc.
I get it. I'm glad you are stepping away.
One always wants to do the right thing for a parent.
My brother also totally abdicated any care or responsiblity for my mom, so it was
dumped on me too.
I stopped drinking but not until two years after she died.
Of course her affairs were not in order and her house looked like a hoarder's dream,
so it took easily a year after her death to deal with that.
Stand your ground for sibling help. Look after you.
The booze is no substitute for self-care. Don't let it take you over like I did.
Best to you and please keep posting.
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