Jimcarrey92

here I am at day 53, for only the second time in the last 3 and a half years, and I almost drank 10 different times tonight. I feel so fragile since my 21rst birthday without my father who passed away 3 years ago, and a few beers is all I can think about now, I can't get any enjoyment or fulfillment out of life, I'm just overcome with the emptiness of him not being around anymore, my grief is making it hard to live my life, because it's cutting away my ambition because I just find it so paralyzing when the feelings of despair come about, I REALLY can't take any type of action other than isolation because my mind isn't in the right place, I'm not my best self when I'm grieving and that seems to be all the time what do you do when a painful emotion knocks you off your feet, how do you not drink when life isn't full of wonder? My heart is broken all over again just like the first year, I started getting addicted to alcohol when he was getting sick from the cancer, I drank everything from 4 lokos to hard liquor and LOTS of beer. My addiction began in December 2010, and since then I've only been able to last a month 6 times and it was followed by binges and heavy drinking periods on and off. since December 2010 I have not been able to go 2 months, I got close I June 2013 but I could only make 54 days, now I'm at 53 and I feel like I can't make it much longer, life is about having fun and since I can't have fun what's the point of being sober? His death is very painful to me and I don't know how to move forward, I've tried grief groups and I've been in therapy for 2 plus years, could there be something wrong with me?

Mags1

Hi Jim, welcome to SR, I'm glad you found us. So sorry for the loss of your father, it's a terrible blow losing him so young.

Hang in there for day 54, keep posting and reading here, vent your frustrations, we are here to help each other.

When I wanted to pick up a drink, or more truthfully, bottle of drink, I ate. Not ideal, I know but the cravings do go, when your mind and body adjust, to not wanting you to tip booze down your neck.

It is worth the cravings and they aren't half as bad as any hangovers, regrets etc I've had after indulging. Take care of you

shockozulu

Jim, lost my mother and I was so tempted a thousand times. I went to several meetings a day when I wasn't dealing with her funeral plans. In fact, that very night I was asked to lead a meeting. It was on joy and I broke down. I simply said even in this hardship I'm filled with joy. This is because I'm sober and with friends who can understand. Then I mentioned in my book Joy does not equal Happiness. They are separate words for a reason.

TigerLili

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jim. Recovery is hard. THere's more to it than just stopping drinking. You will feel better in time. You will never get over losing your dad but you will find a way to keep his memory alive and loved and be able to get on with your life.

In the beginning, drinking numbs pain but as time goes on, alcohol simultaneously magnifies pain and convinces us we need more of it to numb the pain. There is no way out of the cycle but to stop drinking. Most people can't stop drinking on their own. They need a support system and a plan. All those things are available right here on SR so try to read and post as much as you can.

Inca

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. It's ok to grieve. It's difficult when we're in early sobriety because there's all these emotions that we likely haven't felt before. I can imagine that losing someone close to you is very emotional right now. You can get through this! It's tough but drinking will only make the pain and feelings worse. We're here for you with open ears.

KateL

I think loss of a loved one must indeed be the biggest test for us. Hang on in there, you are doing so well xxx

Dee74

Welcome to SR Jim

I'm sorry for your loss. Have you thought about grief counselling at all?

D

IOAA2

Hi. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I wonder if you realized that alcohol is a depressant chemical and might contribute to your depression? At the end of my heavy drinking I needed the comforting people in the AA fellowship as it is so good to be among people on person that understand us. Something that helped me feeling depressed and stop drinking was to try to stop thinking of depressing thoughts.
We will get better with TIME if we let ourselves.

BE WELL

DoPerdition

I had a really hard time after the death of my Grandfather (who raised me). I was drinking even more than I had been previously and I still think about him daily. I am at 51 days sober today and I really relate to your post.

I realized one day that my grandfather loved me and would never want me to suffer over his loss. He also died an alcohol related death and I think he would be proud that I learned from his mistakes and would be devastated if I fell into the same bottomless pit that took him from me.

I sometimes think of my sobriety and my grandfather and I think "I did it Grandpa, I faced our beast." It makes me feel closer to him to be sober than I ever felt drinking.

You have said no to alcohol for 53 days so far. Just pledge yourself another 24 hours and then go from there.

You can do it!

ChrisBen

Sorry about your loss. Take it one day at a time. Don't focus on all those times you haven't made it to day 54 or 55, just focus on getting through today. Good luck and welcome to SR.

aasharon90

Is there a way to CELEBRATE her life? What
are things she liked? Maybe plant a Camellia
Bush that will produce pretty flowers. Then
for each bloom it gives you you can smile
and feel happiness inside and fond memories
of the love you have for your mom.

My husband's first wife passed away a few
years ago and had a love for planting flowers
and tending to her gardens. Today, I have
taken up a love for gardening too and planted
a Camellia bush to replace the one that died.
I think of his late wife often even tho I never
met her with many flowers, birds and butterflies
that grace with their presences each day.

Take time to grieve as well so that you can
move forward in ur recovery. Remember
it's ok to cry.

Sobriety, recovery will reward you with many
blessings one day, one step at a time.

inthetrees

Hi Jim--60 days was a tough block for me too. I got to 59 or 60 several times before I was able to get over that hump, and now I'm over four months. For me I think it was a combination of physical and mental triggers. I am not much of an AA person, but I did find going to meetings during the first month or two was very helpful in getting me out of my own head (and my house) and finding people to talk to. You don't have to dive fully into the AA "thing" to be welcomed at meetings, and you will almost certainly meet a few kindred spirits there. Or if not AA, maybe volunteer in your community to do something of service to others? The death of a parent is such a tough thing to go through, and it sounds like you're doing everything right with therapy and grief counseling but maybe part of your healing could be to get out of your own head a little too.