justinJustQuit

So I made it through the New Years! I'm on my 12th day sober. I feel very proud. I feel great. But there's this looming stench dangling in front of me: I drink because of things outside of my control.

Usually this is something someone says that simply makes me mad. Someone at work, the wife, you get the picture.

Or if I get bad news. Again, this could be work, health issues, (ironically, because alcohol generally contributes to this) death in the family.

My question is, how do you cope with these things? Sure, I look on here and hear about scenarios that are FAR worse than my situation (which doesn't make me happy, but is a sober reminder of what things could escalate to), but what if that's not enough? How do you cope?

least

I try to separate that which is in my control and that which is not. As for coping, I just take each day as it comes and deal with that day only.

suki44883

If something is out of your control, drinking doesn't bring it within your control, does it?

You need to learn some coping skills. Do you see a therapist or counselor or anything? There are healthy ways to deal with things and unhealthy ways. You've tried the unhealthy ways, so learn some healthy ones.

PurpleKnight

The way we used to cope was, reach for a bottle and black out, forget about life, lost in the numbness of alcohol, the problem was, when we sobered up the problems at work where still there and the family member was still deceased, alcohol may have seemed to have helped, but it didn't, the emotional coming to terms with a difficult period of life was only postponed, maybe even indefinitely to resurface someplace else in our personality.

Without alcohol, we have to face life head on, it's more difficult but it's probably a lot more healthier way to conduct life, emotions and feelings are felt at the time and not postponed to the future.

Practically we gotta do something, long walks, talk to someone, exercise, things that "normal" people do, instead of hide under the blankets with a bottle!!

It can be done, as there are people on this site with decades of sobriety to take inspiration from!!

justinJustQuit

I DO have a therapist. She specializes in addiction. She's not an alcoholic though, (so far as I know) so while she can teach me the basics, it's other alcoholics who I've found have the most sound advice.

The therapist is great. We have identified several ways to cope with situations, but I only get to see her once a week, and I don't want to drink between now and then now that I have some days under my belt.

justinJustQuit

Thanks PurpleKnight. All very true.

KateL

Everyone has stuff to deal with but fortunately for many of them, they don't have the sensation of calm, warmth and fearlessness that we seem to adopt as soon as we take that first drink. Our minds and bodies rely on that to take the pain away after a while. Normal drinkers don't seem to have quite the same sensation. It does relax people, of course, but normal drinkers stop after a couple or few and then just get on with stuff. It sucks really but after a while we can find other coping mechanisms, even if it is to just ride things out until they pass. That's what I try to do anyway. xxxx

Dee74

If things are beyond my control, I have to let go of the outcome of those things - sounds simple but it took me a looooooooong time to realise and accept that.

There are lots of things beyond my control but the decision to drink again or not is not one of them

D

justinJustQuit

I'm not sure why today seems particularly difficult to me. Maybe the detox pills, extra vitamins, all the junk alcohol leaves behind is gone now and I'm truly sober.

I'm not going to drink tonight. I know that. It's just weird. I worked from home today because there was snow on the ground and my new car sucks driving in it. I had no stress today whatsoever except I couldn't get to the gym.

I just don't know why today sucks so much.

Branches

Good question, Achelus.

I don't know about you, but I kind of have a Pavlov's reflex: If S*** happens, get out the bottle and a glass. We see it modeled for us in books, movies, etc. A lot of people will say, "I need a DRINK!" when confronted with big-time bad news. It's almost expected It's almost like throwing salt over your shoulder or crossing yourself. Trouble is, my definition of "bad news" was flexible and a lot of things fell into that category.

freshstart57

I think this is a lie we tell ourselves, that XYZ happened, so that's why I got drunk. Nope. You got drunk because you drank. There is no other way for it to happen. XYZ had absolutely nothing to do with the whole process.

You have no control over XYZ, and drinking at it has no effect on it. You do, on the other hand, have absolute control over what your hand does. You do have absolute control over whether you drink or not.

REBT and SMART Recovery look at what happens inside your noggin after XYZ happens. There is some reaction inside you, but that reaction is driven by some assumption you have made. The assumption is WRONGO. There was this writer in the first century AD, Epictetus who wrote, '“People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.” It is not the event, but rather it is our attitudes and beliefs about it, that causes our emotional reaction.

So my boss asks if I finished that assignment, I have an assumption that he thinks I am not working hard enough, and this makes me annoyed, resentful and angry. That b@stard, I'll show him. I'll drink at him and drink his face right off. Ha!

I suggest looking up CBT or RET or REBT or SMART Recovery, they all teach about this same stuff. Very good for keeping things on an even keel. And staying sober too.

girlsearching

Justin, I only have 38 days sober right now, but last night I had the worse anxiety I've had for some reason. I knew I wasn't going to drink but I just didn't know what to do. I took a hot bath and just let my brain process everything and I actually felt so much better. I don't know if that will work again or work for anybody else, but it relieved the anxiety and I know if I get that feeling again....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I wish you the best. You are doing great.

Josafe

Hi!

Well done with day 12!! I'm on day 12 too. The way I remained sober is by the AVRT technique. In simple terms, I thought catch. I try to hear that dreaded voice that says drink. I then rationalise it. In other words, I go through why I want to drink. I then think about the downward spiral that will happen after the first drink and how it all will escalate from there.

By time I go through the thought process I thank god I am sober.


Hope this helps!

-------------------------------

You gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

malcolmsloan

So much good stuff here. I was/am exactly the same way-I trained myself to take basically all of life's situations, good and bad, as "reasons" to drink. Good day: drink; bad day: drink--and all inbetween. My AV was out of control.

I am a day past 6 weeks now, and at the beginning of week 3 my grandmother died. My brain was a malestrom of reasons to drink-but I saw them all as total bulls***. My grandmother's death was hard to take, but I experienced it. I cried real tears and felt them. I mourned and said goodby. And I remember it all, experienced it all. "Life is 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows," as the Buddhists say. When we experience them sober, we are much more alive than inebriated or hungover.

Also, I think there is a big let down after NYE for everyone. I sure felt it. Holidays over. The ball has dropped. Money spent. Now back to work, life. . .Blah! Hang in there. And again, great job not drinking on NYE!

SunriseSky

Hi Justin, Congrats on 12 days, especially at this time of year. I am also early on in sobriety and the way I've coped with unexpected negative issues/surprises/moods is by deciding that I don't need to react to them as they happen. Right now, for me, not drinking is priority #1 and anything that threatens that priority goes on the back burner. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to deal with the issues at all, it just means I'm not going to deal with them immediately.

This has been a real challenge as I've had a number of very difficult personal situations crop up over the past couple of months.

Each time, I've "walked away" from the situation emotionally and when I've come back to it, I'm calmer, stronger and have a better perspective. Often I then realize that it really wasn't a big deal or there's nothing I can do or have to do to make things better. When I have had to do something, I'm then able to select a course of action that is more intelligent and effective than one made after a few glasses of wine.

100% of the time, I'm glad I didn't reach for the bottle. Really glad.

Yteirbos

Justin good for you and everything you are doing man, wow. Think of all the people that never even see that there is another life that is full and rewarding that you are experiencing. However you get there is cool. I started seeing someone years ago to deal with lots of issues which now are starting to disappear. Thinkin sobriety is the right pill.
Good Luck bro!

JackieC

Good job on your 12 days. This is my 12th day as well and I'm having some restlessness and anxiety as well. I've been trying to figure this out all day and I've decided that maybe it's like the honeymoon phase (ha) of the initial giddyness of getting sober and how we've been slapping ourselves on the back for the last 12 days (as we deserve) and feeling so much better -- that's fading a bit and, at least for me, the permanence of this decision is setting in. The realization that it's not just a little phase or something I'm giving up for lent. I know this is why the whole one-day-at-a-time thing is so necessary (and helps me immensely -- I've said SO MANY times to myself "All I need to do is get through today. Just today. That's all.") but the rest of my life keeps floating before my eyes and it's hard not to imagine that it's going to be such a struggle for so long. Forever, I guess. But then -- every body out there has struggles, lifelong battles that will never get any easier. This is one of mine.

That was all rambly and not helpful at all, was it? I'll just say that we are here, working together and leaning on one another to help fight this battle together. It's not something we have to do by ourselves. That makes the whole thing so much easier to face.

Hang in there,
Jackie

Nonsensical

This.

I liked the magical way alcohol took away my stress and anxiety. Life wasn't a tickle today? No problem, alcohol to the rescue!

Sure, I'd be a bit sluggish the next morning, but by noon the next day I'd be fine.

OR SO I THOUGHT!

I wasn't aware of it, but the after effects of drinking last for days, maybe weeks. The after effects of chronic drinking last weeks or months. Those after effects are increased stress and anxiety. The very thing I was drinking to be rid of. Alcohol makes the problem and then convinces you that it's the solution.

Stop drinking for a few months. You'll likely discover that you have significantly less you need to figure out how to cope with.

Best of Luck!

AlefVavResh

That's the foundation of AA in a nutshell if you feel like checking out a meeting. . .

Just today I had a work crisis and thought, "If I still drank, I'd drink over this." Then I laughed at myself. What a stupid thing it would have been to lose my sobriety over. Within an hour the whole catastrophe was resolved.

Hang in there. Just be with other recovering alcoholics when you feel like drinking. It works!

360shoes

Hi JustinJQ,

It felt the same way to me too. Here's what I did. I made a commitment to myself that no matter how bad I felt, no matter what was thrown at me. I would do anything but drink. I meant it. I knew it would be hard sometimes. I planned for it. I also put the blame where it rightfully belonged. On the booze. But that was good for me because I liked beating myself up. I must have. I did it for so long. Anyway, if you don't have the self loathing like I did that may not be a big help.

So I figured since for years I used alcohol to change how I felt, it made perfect sense I needed to practice changing how I felt all by myself. And that would take practice and time. So I look at all those things as perfect opportunities to practice. Not the most fun I ever had but most things important and worth having take some work. But it built self esteem muscle. The real kind of self esteem. The kind where deep down you really like yourself.

It feels really awesome to be able to comfort yourself.

Awesome job 12 days! You can do it!