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Trying to Drink when your spouse stubbornly stays sober

Old 01-02-2014, 09:16 AM
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Trying to Drink when your spouse stubbornly stays sober

Wow. I read so many posts on sober people living with addicted spouses. I have yet to read about addicted people living with stubbornly sober spouses. I wonder what HIS post would look like if HE posted about me. So here it goes SR. My stubbornly sober husband has not picked up since I went to rehab as I have previously posted. Last night, I say to husband, I am so proud of you for not drinking (as I pour myself another). He said, "it doesn't mean I don't want to drink". I have thought about what he said all night long. It touched me deep. It must be incredibly difficult to see me drinking the past six nights and not have one himself. Seriously, how horribly selfish of me. If I keep picking up, will he eventually also? Will it be because of me? No I cannot let this happen. So today, just today SR, I am praying hard to not pick up today. I don't know what tomorrow will look like and I make no promises. But today, I shall not pick up.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:21 AM
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Good decision in trying not to drink today Raider, I was hoping you were well.

The thing I have to remind myself constantly is that for non problem drinkers , the vast majority can take it or leave it, it does not dominate their lives like it does ours. It's a slightly different case but I love Ice cream, but I could go without it if it would make me more healthy!

I think your husband is just trying to make it easier for you by not drinking himself. I'm rooting for ya Raider.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:22 AM
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Sorry to read this Raider. I remember how horrible a time you had just prior to getting a rehab place. Heading back to that same state do you think?
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:24 AM
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No I don't want to go there. And I don't want to even begin to think my husband will go there because of me. Hurting myself is one thing, dragging someone with me is quite different....in my opinion.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:38 AM
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Hi Raider.

It sounds as though your husband is trying to be supportive in his own way. Have you two actually spoken about the nuts and bolts of your struggles with sobriety?

I do agree, though, that if my partner were staying sober while I was struggling, I'd likely have a bunch of uncomfortable and unwanted thoughts and feelings around her putting down the drink.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:40 AM
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Buddy - ******{hugs}}}}

May I ask you, WHY are you drinking ?
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:49 AM
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You know what, been there and never saw it either! My husband has been sober for almost 14 years after his first go around with heart failure (alcohol induced cardio myopathy). I've never witnessed him drink but heard the war stories. When I was drinking I selfishly never thought how hard that must have been for him to be around it. I never considered how I must have thrown it in his face (not literally). And now that I am sober I know I couldn't have been as strong as he had those 12 years I drank around him!

Your hubs sounds like a pretty stand up guy, maybe just for today you could do this WITH him
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:50 AM
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Any other plans to help you stop drinking apart from prayer Raider?
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:05 AM
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EndGame - no we never discussed it. I thought he was alcoholic also. Turns out he can take it or leave it. Last night was the first time I mentioned it. He blew me away.
Alpha - I do not know. No particular reason. No trigger, no horrific event, no happy occasion.
Imperfect - yes I understand your post completely
Banquo - no. Not at this time.

Seriously the man deserves better of me. I never thought about this subject in this way. Even reading all the posts about sober people suffering alongside with the addict didn't do it. Until last night, that comment turned my head around.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:33 AM
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Raider,
I'm going to make a confession to you. My husband stopped drinking about eight years ago, but continued to smoke pot. For a while, I didn't drink around him or in the house. After a while, when I saw him smoking pot, I went, "Well, heck. I don't smoke pot. If he can smoke pot, I can have Chardonnay. " And he seemed agreeable to that. Our mutual enabling agreement.
Of course, the umpteen times he's decided to give up pot since we've been married has brought up, of course, the subject of my drinking wine - and I would just go undercover out of support (I'm laughing at my rationale as I read this, it sounds so dumb!). And then when he would pick it up again, my bottle would come out of the closet and back on the counter. It seemed fair to me (I mean that sarcastically).

So, about 9 days ago I stopped drinking for a variety of reasons - because I knew he had had slipped with the alcohol and for my own health/well-being/ - so now I'm being clean and sober, and while he's not drinking, he is smoking pot. He started smoking again three days after I stopped drinking. I am taking a look at my own part in this, and I'm not proud. I didn't make him pick up the peace pipe again, but I've been quite selfish in terms of getting my drink on over the course of our marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story and being real about this. It has made me uncomfortably aware of some of the things I've done that I need to think about.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:37 AM
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My wife is currently drinking and it gives her a lot of guilt. We've quit several times together because I always insisted that we won't be successful unless we do it together. I finally realized that a person has to have internal motivation to quit.

We've talked quite a bit about addiction and she visits a similar forum. There is nothing I can say to get rid of her guilt and I know that doesn't help matters. In the past I've used her relapse as an excuse to start drinking again which just added to her feelings of guilt. I just hope she hasn't given up.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:38 AM
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Your husband sounds really supportive. Don't concern yourself about what he's doing though or if he might have a drink, If he doesn't have a problem it doesn't matter and if he does have a problem then there;s nothing you can do about it.

The fact is that whilst he is not drinking to support you, you are still drinking.Your energies will be better spent looking for more/different support in how YOU are going to stop drinking. Praying alone isn't doing it, perhaps look at more F2F support or anything. Every day you post yet every day you drink so what you are doing isn't working. If you really want to stop more than anything then concentrate your energies on what you're going to do differently so you don't drink.

Be honest with yourself- if you are not prepared to do anything else to stop drinking then how are you going to stop? As they say nothing changes if nothing changes-it's so very very true. If you really want to stop you will do whatever it takes. It takes action and commitment and you have to really want it,
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
Hurting myself is one thing, dragging someone with me is quite different....in my opinion.
As you know well from your struggles, nothing you can do or say will cause others to either begin or stop drinking. Just as no one can force you to do either. Pain inflicted on others can certainly be a motivator for us to quit, but at the end of the day nothing really matters until you decided that you want to quit for yourself first. And horrible things will happen to us and those around us until we make that decision, whether we want them to or not. When we drink we give alcohol free license to ruin our lives however it so chooses, we are not in control anymore.

Glad you aren't picking up today...that's a great first step.
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:12 AM
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Hi Raider, I come from the other side of the house. My wife is an alcoholic. One of the first things you learn in AlAnon is the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

So, you can drop the quilt about your husband. Alcoholic or not he will either drink or not drink and that is his choice and totally outside your control.

It also takes away the quilt as an excuse for why you can have a drink.

Good luck with your recovery whenever you choose to start.

Your friend,
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:13 AM
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Branches - I can envision that wine bottle flying on and off your counter. Funny read on a serious subject.
Ready - I understand what you are saying. I know what works for me and what doesn't.
Scott - yep that's true.

Thanks all you guys.
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
But today, I shall not pick up.
That is all you have to do today.
Just for today.
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
Ready - I understand what you are saying. I know what works for me and what doesn't.
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Raider, maybe be honest and accept that what you're doing now isn't enough and isn't working and look to do something else? There's plenty of help here and access to resources if you want to stop drinking and we are all here for you when you decide you want to quit.
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
EndGame - no we never discussed it. I thought he was alcoholic also. Turns out he can take it or leave it. Last night was the first time I mentioned it. He blew me away.
Alpha - I do not know. No particular reason. No trigger, no horrific event, no happy occasion.
Imperfect - yes I understand your post completely
Banquo - no. Not at this time.

Seriously the man deserves better of me. I never thought about this subject in this way. Even reading all the posts about sober people suffering alongside with the addict didn't do it. Until last night, that comment turned my head around.
He just wants sobriety more than the drink. He too may be an alcoholic but he may have hit his bottom. Perhaps this was the seizures you guys had before you went to rehab? Or perhaps it was seeing you go off to rehab? Perhaps you should ask him?

Honestly, this is nothing against praying or religion but praying alone is not going to get you sober. You have to want to be sober and it does not sound like you do. One of two things will happen - either you will stop your drinking on your own or something will stop you.

Hopefully something clicks for you.
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast View Post
Raider, maybe be honest and accept that what you're doing now isn't enough and isn't working and look to do something else? There's plenty of help here and access to resources if you want to stop drinking and we are all here for you when you decide you want to quit.
You really have to want to quit drinking before we can stop. You're plainly not ready Raider or else you would be seeking help other than blind faith.

Maybe take a break from here and return when you are more determined
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Banquo View Post
You really have to want to quit drinking before we can stop. You're plainly not ready Raider or else you would be seeking help other than blind faith.

Maybe take a break from here and return when you are more determined
Please don't listen to this advice. Keep posting Raider - this site and this Forum in particular are for people struggling, like yourself. Posting is a healthy step towards sobriety. Don't leave us.
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