Personal Best
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Personal Best
I have finally , FINALLY, become sober for the longest time since I was about 16. Eighty two continuous days of sobriety. The last time I did this, I decided to give myself permission to go to a wine tasting at 82 days sober. That began another descent into alcohol for two years.
And they ain't kidding when they say it gets worse.
Hangovers turned into withdrawals, subtly, sneakily and without my permission.
And while I wasn't drinking more, nor had my drinking patterns increased (rather they decreased because I couldn't handle the misery as frequently) I was becoming more and more of an alcoholic. Daily. Even in sobriety I know that my alcoholism is progressing. I can't literally feel it.
I now have a genuine disdain and downright fear of drinking. That is not to say that some days, I want to escape so bad that I could easily overlook that impending doom for what my brain still calls out for as a pseudo balm. I spend a lot of time deep breathing, chanting, walking, meditating, centering, blah. But I have taken drinking off the table. It's no longer an option. And there are bad days. Really bad days.
But there are really REALLY R E A L L Y good days. Like unquantifiably good days.
I've set a few personal goals that I have finally met after years of self sabotage. I'm seeing my life for what it is rather than what it was clouded by guilt and shame. Some days I like what I see. Some days, not so much. But I am living authentically. Standing in my truth and holding a space for grace and healing and unconditional love.
I am learning what it means to truly love myself. And my body. And my soul. And I'm willing to go to ANY length to protect what I have worked so hard for.
2013 was good to me. Damn good to me. I'm sober and serene (for the most part)
You best bring your "A" game 2014. You got big shoes to fill...
XO AO
And they ain't kidding when they say it gets worse.
Hangovers turned into withdrawals, subtly, sneakily and without my permission.
And while I wasn't drinking more, nor had my drinking patterns increased (rather they decreased because I couldn't handle the misery as frequently) I was becoming more and more of an alcoholic. Daily. Even in sobriety I know that my alcoholism is progressing. I can't literally feel it.
I now have a genuine disdain and downright fear of drinking. That is not to say that some days, I want to escape so bad that I could easily overlook that impending doom for what my brain still calls out for as a pseudo balm. I spend a lot of time deep breathing, chanting, walking, meditating, centering, blah. But I have taken drinking off the table. It's no longer an option. And there are bad days. Really bad days.
But there are really REALLY R E A L L Y good days. Like unquantifiably good days.
I've set a few personal goals that I have finally met after years of self sabotage. I'm seeing my life for what it is rather than what it was clouded by guilt and shame. Some days I like what I see. Some days, not so much. But I am living authentically. Standing in my truth and holding a space for grace and healing and unconditional love.
I am learning what it means to truly love myself. And my body. And my soul. And I'm willing to go to ANY length to protect what I have worked so hard for.
2013 was good to me. Damn good to me. I'm sober and serene (for the most part)
You best bring your "A" game 2014. You got big shoes to fill...
XO AO
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
You're amazing, Alpha! 
If you get what you deserve, then 2014 will be absolutely brilliant!
I had an excellent 2013 and achieved things I never thought possible. And 2014 has had the best start ever
And finding this site and reading posts like yours has been a major factor in all of that
If you get what you deserve, then 2014 will be absolutely brilliant! I had an excellent 2013 and achieved things I never thought possible. And 2014 has had the best start ever
And finding this site and reading posts like yours has been a major factor in all of that
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Hey alpha;
You post really resonates with me.
You do bring your own game, don't you?
Like you, I wonder at all of my missed potential and what might be possible now.
I'm so pleased for your success and how much you've learned about the process.
I also really understand the feeling of the progression of the alcoholism.
That happened to me too and I do not want it back in any way, shape, or form.
I'm glad 2013 was good to you and may 2014 be even better !
You post really resonates with me.
You do bring your own game, don't you?
Like you, I wonder at all of my missed potential and what might be possible now.
I'm so pleased for your success and how much you've learned about the process.
I also really understand the feeling of the progression of the alcoholism.
That happened to me too and I do not want it back in any way, shape, or form.
I'm glad 2013 was good to you and may 2014 be even better !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
I now have a genuine disdain and downright fear of drinking. That is not to say that some days, I want to escape so bad that I could easily overlook that impending doom for what my brain still calls out for as a pseudo balm. I spend a lot of time deep breathing, chanting, walking, meditating, centering, blah. But I have taken drinking off the table. It's no longer an option. And there are bad days. Really bad days.
But there are really REALLY R E A L L Y good days. Like unquantifiably good days.
But there are really REALLY R E A L L Y good days. Like unquantifiably good days.
What a wonderful post, AO. But this part really resonated with me. I think when I finally became afraid, really and well afraid, of what would happen to me if I started drinking again, it was a turning point. Amazing how I couldn't see that when all of the bad stuff was continuously going down around me while I was drinking...just another day in "paradise" back then, I suppose.
But now? To go backwards and lose all that I have gained (especially my mental, spiritual, and physical health) for another sip or glass or, likely, few bottles? No way. It is simply no longer an option.
And when that was off the table, then even though things still suck and it gets really, really bad sometimes, my brain is forced to think about other ways to deal with it. It's a frustrating and creative process but so much better than that horrible, all-consuming shame and debasement that drinking would bring. It has also made me incredibly more self-reliant and that, for someone who didn't trust herself at all in the end, is an incredible gift.
Love you, so glad to have traveled this amazing journey with you in 2013, and looking forward to more in 2014!
xoxoxo Your SFAM
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
