jmd003

Well that was unexpected. Sorry, I failed. I was doing so well and now I'm drinking. It was the "Ah, what the hell, just one last time" thing. Which I've done many times before... And I knew it. I allowed it to be really, really true in my mind this time and pushed away all the objections.

The sudden craving came up. I made up the "last time" excuse and here I am, drinking.

It bugs me because I was doing so well.

Now all I can do is to limit the damage. I have a relatively small amount of wine that I ordered in (1 bottle). So I'll only mildly notice it tomorrow and will probably pick up my daily routine right away. Fortunately, all the delivery services close early this evening, so even if I want a second bottle, I won't be able to get one.

Sorry all, I feel like I let you down. I feel ashamed.

Only thing I can think of to make this be worth something is to have it actually be this one last time.

If I fail even after tonight, I'll have to go find some assistance.

Anyway, sorry. Don't follow in my footsteps because even after the first sip, this New Year's Eve turned into a nightmare. The drinking made me feel worse than the cravings did.

I apologize.

LiaAc

You didn't let us down.

Unfortunately you have to make the decision to just STOP and quit failing. If you let anyone down, it was yourself. But YOU have the power to stop!

It's a new year, a new beginning. Embrace it. Grab that power you have and run with it.

mecanix

Hey jmd ,

I used to have those "ahh what the hell moments" kept me drinking for a long time when i knew i needed to give up .
In the end i reasoned , how often would i allow myself to say that … how many more years of my life was i to let slip by , caught and floundering , struggling in a tangled ball of confusion ..

I hope you turn it around , what i say now is "f*@! it i'm not going to drink" and i sit there in vengeful righteous fury staring down that AV .. stealer of lives , souls and happiness .. It doesn't bother me much these days , not heard from it over in 15 months and it hasn't won an argument in over 2 years …

You can do it too

Bestwishes , m

huntingtontx

It is up to you. You can choose to drink or not to drink. No one here is going to judge you. You can do this. Just don't take the first drink, and you will never have to worry about the rest.

IOAA2

Hi. After quite a few alcohol free years and too may previous BSing myself years I finally got honest with myself about my drinking. I needed to grow up and leave my undisciplined immature thinking life behind and stop whining poor me pour me a drink. I realized that every drink I had was my choice and I needed to change that insanity of thinking this time it would be different. It usually was, worse. I needed to surrender to the fact that I could not drink in safety again.
The end result is what I call serenity on a daily basis doing what I need to on a daily basis by not drinking.
I know it's hard to scare a drunk but ending up in a mental institution and watching an alcoholics death is not a desired feature of my day as I've seen too many.

BE WELL

jmd003

Thanks. At least I notice that the desire to keep drinking has diminished. I used to go through the wine so fast. And then open up a next one. Sometimes a third one. Now it's getting increasingly difficult even getting the glass to my mouth. The idea to stay sober did take root in my mind some time in the past few days and it's helping me now. I guess it'll have more and more impact over time.

I do feel that it is possible to stay sober after tonight. I doubt I'll even be able to continue drinking until the bottle is empty. The sobriety idea is too strong for that.

Funny. January 1st being my official Day 1. Seems like I made a new year's resolution while I firmly believe that it doesn't take a new year for resolutions. But well, the sooner the better.

jmd003

Thanks. I like what you said about needing to grow up and leaving your undisciplined immature thinking life behind.

This applies to me as well. I see it as a weakness in myself. I just told me to grow up and not be a wuss. It's quite a relief actually.

Thepatman

I know I am repeating something said 1000 times. But the HALT model is helping me a lot. Was doing groceries earlier, AV was loud as a mother f...

I was starving after doing above. Stuffed my face and the urge is gone.

jmd003

I'm unfamiliar with the HALT model. Could you direct me to information about it?

Thepatman

It's pretty simple actually, you are either, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

Usually I have one or 2 of those when my AV takes over.

Dee74

What have you been doing for your recovery so far jmd?

D