not new to recovery, new to site
not new to recovery, new to site
Hi! i guess i should start by I'm Zie. Im not sure exactly what i expect from this place but i don't know what else to do. I've been struggling on and off with addiction for 8 years. I was very addicted to amphetamines when i was younger. I was prescribed Ritalin at age five and start abusing my meds in college. I would go though moments of sobriety simply because i was worn out and i was getting tired of the massive mood swings that come with add drugs. after i dropped out of college, i started taking tabs. i was using whatever fell in my lap back then and in a matter of a month painkillers were all that mattered. I started stealing from my family to support my habit. i was a medicine cabinet snooper (and grabber if it was interesting). finally i had a nervous break and entered treatment. I had tried meetings but to no avail. after treatment I was sober for almost nine months when i relapsed. it was way worse. i progressed to h and was close to being lost forever when i went to a doctor who gave me suboxone. looking back i was still using. I would take my entire script in about 2 weeks so they kept upping my dose but i was always trying to figure out how to get higher no matter how much they gave me. but i did learn how to maintain my job with suboxone. then i got pregnant. My partner and I have been together for 7 years (five at the time) so we decided to go for it. My doc wanted to switch me to methadone but i had already seen what methadone was like, so i tapered myself off the suboxone, pot and quit smoking. i was healthier than i had been in over 5 years. i was super happy when i was pregnant. i was always in the woods or the park taking pictures and soaking sun. after i gave birth i got a job at a local pub. in a week i was smoking again; but i wasn't using yet. i had day shifts mostly which cater to the non-wasted crowd. it was nice and i felt like i was good at my job. I got switched to the night shifts when i got promoted. the night shifts were way different. suddenly i was dealing with people whose objective for the evening was to get as messed up as possible. i was surrounded by puke, fights, people passing out, tossing butts wherever they want: you name it. shortly after i was offered and adderall and i took it(i still dont know why i said yes). over the last year and a half it has slowly progressed to tabs again too. or both at the same time. it was once a month and only one. now its 2 days a week and ten. I want another job but we dont have any savings and i cant find anything that would match the money i make now(except other bars-awesome) My husband (who is recovering) is at the end of his rope. I try to hide my use, but it takes one to know one right? he doesn't know what to say anymore when i mess up, it happens so much now. im pretty sure if i keep going we wont be together in six months. my son is 2 and a half and i dont want him to have any memories of me like this. I need to stop now, but even with all the tools i have had over the years, i still keep crawling back to dope and i dont know why. my rational mind wants to scream f u at all the pills in the world but when its in front of me or i catch wind of something, im instantly a slave to it. I have rambled a lot but hope it gives yall a somewhat picture of who and where i am in recovery. which this is day one btw. yesterday was hopefully the last day i subjected myself to that crap. thanks for reading, hope i can figure thing out...
ZIE
ZIE
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