Strange Mom?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 3
Strange Mom?
My son is almost 3 months into recovery. I have read many articles about how it is okay to let go of an adult child who refuses treatment. My problem is that even though my son is in recovery I don't want him in my life again, ever. Why? Because of the things he did while he was detoxing at my house, the last five year rollercoaster, because I have believed his lies for the last time, getting off drugs did not turn him back into a loving respectful son, and because he keeps threatening to leave rehab, because he keeps threatening to sue me, and I believe unconsciously he thinks I will help him if he leaves rehab and relapses. Plus the further in time I get from him the stronger I feel. I am in ALANON and I notice I am more like the fathers than the mothers. This has always been a one sided relationship and I do not find it difficult to live without this relationship. It's not as if I will have something to miss. Am I unnatural?
Last edited by Kiazziah; 12-29-2013 at 07:40 AM. Reason: Spelling
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
I am sorry that your relationship with your son is at an end. If you are okay with that, then it doesn't matter what others think. If you want to resolve the relationship, maybe counselling for both of you would help (as long as the recovery continues).
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I don't think you are unnatural. I think there are more people like you than are willing to admit it or act on it. Guilt, shame and "what will others think of me" keep some parents in the game way longer than their personal inclination.
I don't believe in unconditional love. I think there are things that people can do that put an end to us having them in our lives. even when it comes to the parent child relationship.
I don't believe in unconditional love. I think there are things that people can do that put an end to us having them in our lives. even when it comes to the parent child relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Kiazziah
I also have an adult child in recovery and I understand everything you said. The 30 days my daughter was in in-patient were the most peaceful 30 days I have spent in the past 10 years. For 30 days, I wasn't subjected to her mood swings. For 30 days, she was someone elses headache. For 30 days, I could live my life stress free. For 30 days her drama fell on someone shoulders.
I am sick to death of being "crapped" on, and if I am truthful sick to death of her. She always has been a very needy kid. And I guess I am just getting to old and too tired to keep giving. I just want someone to give to me, or at the very least....stop taking from me.
Do I love my daughter...yes. Does she occasionally make me smile...yes. Does she have a kind heart...yes. Is she still sober...yes. Has she changed....NO.
I have an adult son who is self-sufficient, a hard worker, successful, polite, and lives on his own and takes care of his own life. Will my daughter ever do that? I doubt it. We gave both kids the same opportunities in life. One took them and ran. The other pissed it all away.
Maybe I am just in a lousy mood today. But no, I don't think you're strange. I think your honest.
I also have an adult child in recovery and I understand everything you said. The 30 days my daughter was in in-patient were the most peaceful 30 days I have spent in the past 10 years. For 30 days, I wasn't subjected to her mood swings. For 30 days, she was someone elses headache. For 30 days, I could live my life stress free. For 30 days her drama fell on someone shoulders.
I am sick to death of being "crapped" on, and if I am truthful sick to death of her. She always has been a very needy kid. And I guess I am just getting to old and too tired to keep giving. I just want someone to give to me, or at the very least....stop taking from me.
Do I love my daughter...yes. Does she occasionally make me smile...yes. Does she have a kind heart...yes. Is she still sober...yes. Has she changed....NO.
I have an adult son who is self-sufficient, a hard worker, successful, polite, and lives on his own and takes care of his own life. Will my daughter ever do that? I doubt it. We gave both kids the same opportunities in life. One took them and ran. The other pissed it all away.
Maybe I am just in a lousy mood today. But no, I don't think you're strange. I think your honest.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I'm certain I've posted this story before, but sometimes it's worth revisiting.
I knew a very successful working couple who had one child, a son. They worked very hard to get where they did in life, were by all accounts good parents, and came of age to plan a happy retirement.
Their son was very active with alcohol and drugs throughout high school, and continued for a few years afterwards. He refused to look for work, and was probably unemployable just the same. His parents, then retired, allowed him to live with them rent-free on the condition that he get help.
Several detoxes and rehabs later, he was worse than ever, and apparently had no intention of quitting. He didn't mind his hospital stays, as he enjoyed a very nice lifestyle by living with his parents, and because he continued to go for treatment periodically, he held up his end of this very shaky bargain.
This couple eventually exhausted most of their savings paying for their son's treatment, had to sell the dream house that they had largely built, and moved into a small apartment that they could afford. She got a part-time job at CVS and he ended up working in some office mail room, no longer able to support themselves on their retirement funds. The son? Kept on doing what he was doing. As far as they knew, he lived by couch surfing and in and out of sober living when he had no place to stay.
I knew a very successful working couple who had one child, a son. They worked very hard to get where they did in life, were by all accounts good parents, and came of age to plan a happy retirement.
Their son was very active with alcohol and drugs throughout high school, and continued for a few years afterwards. He refused to look for work, and was probably unemployable just the same. His parents, then retired, allowed him to live with them rent-free on the condition that he get help.
Several detoxes and rehabs later, he was worse than ever, and apparently had no intention of quitting. He didn't mind his hospital stays, as he enjoyed a very nice lifestyle by living with his parents, and because he continued to go for treatment periodically, he held up his end of this very shaky bargain.
This couple eventually exhausted most of their savings paying for their son's treatment, had to sell the dream house that they had largely built, and moved into a small apartment that they could afford. She got a part-time job at CVS and he ended up working in some office mail room, no longer able to support themselves on their retirement funds. The son? Kept on doing what he was doing. As far as they knew, he lived by couch surfing and in and out of sober living when he had no place to stay.
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