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My Stupidity Enrages Me.

Old 12-29-2013, 10:43 AM
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My Stupidity Enrages Me.

I think I am at my wits end. I have betrayed the person I love most in the entire world. What is bad about it, is I don't even remember doing it because my dumb ass was in a blackout. This seals the deal. I can't keep doing this to him and to myself. I am not that person when I am sober. I am not a complete narcissistic ******* until I start throwing that poison down my throat. As soon as I drink I become the most selfish person on the face of the earth. This does it. I am done. I cannot believe the lengths of my stupidity. I need to get this under control and now before I lose the love of my life to a liquor bottle. Alcohol WILL NOT win. I wont allow it to control me anymore.
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:47 AM
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Good call xxxxx
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:51 AM
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take control, and find yourself..good luck
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:52 AM
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Hey. I'm in the same place after a stupid one night mess up. Have you told your partner?
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Dominica2 View Post
I have betrayed the person I love most in the entire world. What is bad about it, is I don't even remember doing it because my dumb ass was in a blackout. This seals the deal. I can't keep doing this to him and to myself. I am not that person when I am sober. I am not a complete narcissistic ******* until I start throwing that poison down my throat. As soon as I drink I become the most selfish person on the face of the earth. This does it. I am done. I cannot believe the lengths of my stupidity. I need to get this under control and now before I lose the love of my life to a liquor bottle. Alcohol WILL NOT win. I wont allow it to control me anymore.
Hey Dominica2, welcome to the forum! I understand what you're going thru, I could have written that! Nov 2 was the last time I drank...and for the very reasons you stated above. We don't EVER have to go thru it again. Glad you found this forum. You will find a lot of support here!

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Old 12-29-2013, 10:54 AM
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Dissimilar, No, I haven't. I rarely talk to him. He works offshore for a month at a time and gets no signal. For example, the last time I spoke with him was Monday and it was via text. I don't even know how to handle the situation.
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:59 AM
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Hey Dominica. Both in same position and I've no idea what to do. I'm completely monogamous and trustworthy sober but after a heavy night out I just lose control and blackout. This happened once before in my last r/ship and happened again on Friday. I feel like I need to stop drinking but feel a fraud on here! Don't know whether to tell them or if I'd only be doing that to make myself feel better. It will he hard not to drink socially as everyone around me does but plenty of other things I can do.....right now I'm just so depressed that I've screwed everything up.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:08 AM
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It's in ur past leave it there.
U are not u when u are drinking
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:08 AM
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Great decision!! there's definitely a lot more to life than a liquor bottle!!
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:08 AM
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Dominica - really sorry I can't reply to PM until I've posted 5 times.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Dominica2 View Post
I think I am at my wits end. I have betrayed the person I love most in the entire world. What is bad about it, is I don't even remember doing it because my dumb ass was in a blackout. This seals the deal. I can't keep doing this to him and to myself. I am not that person when I am sober. I am not a complete narcissistic ******* until I start throwing that poison down my throat. As soon as I drink I become the most selfish person on the face of the earth. This does it. I am done. I cannot believe the lengths of my stupidity. I need to get this under control and now before I lose the love of my life to a liquor bottle. Alcohol WILL NOT win. I wont allow it to control me anymore.
Nice to see you again Dominica. It seems like being honest with yourself and your partner will be the best way to approach this. I don't know on what level and how you will approach this, but he is deserving of an explanation. I do understand and know what it is like to make terrible decisions while under the influence. I know that people do not accept the simple truth of being intoxicated as an answer to what has happened. Your not wanting to lose and no one wants to lose. Considering that you have been battling with alcohol for awhile, what will be done this time to ensure that you are walking on the right path? AA, AVRT, SMART, LifeRing, SR, or any other form of recovery that will be implemented? How would you like to deal with this? If you were your partner, what would you want to know or hear?
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:20 AM
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Mizz, I am just going to start to go to AA again. My concern about telling him is that he will want to quit his job so he can be home. I know that is what he will do. I have been with him 10 years. I know this. I am just scared to death of losing him.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:20 AM
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Sorry not for here
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Dominica2 View Post
Mizz, I am just going to start to go to AA again. My concern about telling him is that he will want to quit his job so he can be home. I know that is what he will do. I have been with him 10 years. I know this. I am just scared to death of losing him.
Yes, I do understand your fear. I think AA is a wonderful idea. You have to live your life and you have to be alright with you. No one can really say what is wrong/right in this situation. We can only walk in our own shoes and be comfortable with the steps we take. AA, good. Maybe posting here as well? Like you are now. You can do this. You already have before.
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Old 12-29-2013, 12:05 PM
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Good luck hun xxx
We are all going through it together xx
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Old 12-29-2013, 02:19 PM
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Hi Dom - I'm sorry you're struggling and that things are a bit of a mess right now, but I'm glad you're back with us.

I wasn't who I wanted to be when I was drinking.

I did a lot of things I'm ashamed of and a lot of things I still don't remember.

No matter - I have to take responsibility for those things, I really let myself and others down - not once but time and time again....

One of the gifts of recovery for me is never having to deal with that stuff again. I like who I am sober

D
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:38 AM
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Hey D,

Thanks, I am glad to be back. I really need this to stick this time. I hate not being myself...it becomes so tiresome and emotionally draining. As always, thank you for your support. Day 2.

Dom
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:48 AM
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Dom, for me it became more than tiresome, it was simply exhausting. I couldn't go through that cycle one more time and survive. It's good to see you back and I'm glad that you have a plan.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:50 AM
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Boy dont I ever understand. I gave into a neighbors relentless advances for years one night after shots of tequila.

It was only a kiss, but it would of NEVER happened sober.

I still shudder at the thought. I'm married to the love of my life and would NEVER EVER EVER want to hurt him. And never would.

Unless I was drunk...
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:00 AM
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The guilt is gut wrenching. I can't eat or sleep. I realize that it is my fault and I need to take corrective action. Maybe this is the lesson I needed to get back on track. I will not drink today. That is a good thing. Thank you Anna and Alpha.
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