failed but came back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
failed but came back
So I'm back. In May 2012 I wrote this and some sweet people posted and help me. I'm ashamed that I failed. I failed them and me
and couldn't stay the course. Actually got worse. I guess I answered my question. Hindsight has a way of being 20/20 I guess.
I woke up at three am, sick, an said that today would be the day. I hope it is.
From May 2012---
ll'm really glad I stumbled on here. I have been lurking for awhile, trying to decide ... "do I have a problem, or not?"
I'm still not convinced either way, I guess that is kinda normal.
Anyway, a little about me... I am 38, married woman, and on the surface, I have it together. Awesome job, hubby, side job teaching fitness, back in school for a second master's degree. But, it is SORT of a facade.
I've struggled with what I call "undiagnosed" depression, as I have never seen a MD. I'm not sure that really has anything to do with why I am here.
So, anyway, married five years ago, and thats when things went downhill in terms of booze. I was always always a social drinker, maybe a couple of beers on the weekend and that was it. Wild and crazy, a glass of wine with Mom.
But, things changed. Insidiously, the weekends turned into weekdays, and you get the picture. And my hubby has little self control so we drank together. That was our hobby -- go for long "pub crawls" -- hang out, have lunch, drink wine. It was all so innocent at first.
I NEVER thought I had a problem ...
Now I look back....
We had some NASTY FIGHTS - in public! Cops called, he got thrown off a bus, I almost got arrested. Broke my front door, scratched up neighbors car. The worst was when I took a bus to the restaurant the next day to pick up my car. I got there and realized I drove it home in an alcoholic blackout. Blacked out in a hotel on vacation and worried that someone may have attacked me and I didn't know. Late for work. dry heaving on the bus. Blamed my poor trainer for me not losing weight ... ugh!
You see, I have never been able to accept that fate isn't the one that deals me a bad hand every now and then, that the world isn't against me, etc. I have always placed the blame outside of myself. I blamed my drinking on everyone else.
fast forward ... I've quit several times. No DTs, no major trauma, save for some HORRIBLE BLOATING. Did anyone else have that???
I quit again .. well lets say, I am at the "weekend drinker" point. No major benders -- but probably too many glasses of wine on the weekends. Funny thing is, no one would think twice about it normally. It is actually really easy (don't hate me) to quit during the week.
So, my questions are --
Is anyone in my place?
What am I considered?
and couldn't stay the course. Actually got worse. I guess I answered my question. Hindsight has a way of being 20/20 I guess.
I woke up at three am, sick, an said that today would be the day. I hope it is.
From May 2012---
ll'm really glad I stumbled on here. I have been lurking for awhile, trying to decide ... "do I have a problem, or not?"
I'm still not convinced either way, I guess that is kinda normal.
Anyway, a little about me... I am 38, married woman, and on the surface, I have it together. Awesome job, hubby, side job teaching fitness, back in school for a second master's degree. But, it is SORT of a facade.
I've struggled with what I call "undiagnosed" depression, as I have never seen a MD. I'm not sure that really has anything to do with why I am here.
So, anyway, married five years ago, and thats when things went downhill in terms of booze. I was always always a social drinker, maybe a couple of beers on the weekend and that was it. Wild and crazy, a glass of wine with Mom.
But, things changed. Insidiously, the weekends turned into weekdays, and you get the picture. And my hubby has little self control so we drank together. That was our hobby -- go for long "pub crawls" -- hang out, have lunch, drink wine. It was all so innocent at first.
I NEVER thought I had a problem ...
Now I look back....
We had some NASTY FIGHTS - in public! Cops called, he got thrown off a bus, I almost got arrested. Broke my front door, scratched up neighbors car. The worst was when I took a bus to the restaurant the next day to pick up my car. I got there and realized I drove it home in an alcoholic blackout. Blacked out in a hotel on vacation and worried that someone may have attacked me and I didn't know. Late for work. dry heaving on the bus. Blamed my poor trainer for me not losing weight ... ugh!
You see, I have never been able to accept that fate isn't the one that deals me a bad hand every now and then, that the world isn't against me, etc. I have always placed the blame outside of myself. I blamed my drinking on everyone else.
fast forward ... I've quit several times. No DTs, no major trauma, save for some HORRIBLE BLOATING. Did anyone else have that???
I quit again .. well lets say, I am at the "weekend drinker" point. No major benders -- but probably too many glasses of wine on the weekends. Funny thing is, no one would think twice about it normally. It is actually really easy (don't hate me) to quit during the week.
So, my questions are --
Is anyone in my place?
What am I considered?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
I was in your place. Thought I would only drink on weekends, only at night, only wine, etc - that way - I don't have a problem. If you are an alcoholic then you shouldn't drink. If you aren't an alcoholic - you don't need to. Make sense? Over time a series of traumatic events really showed me how much of an alcoholic I was, and my drinking went into overdrive (my daughter ran away and husband divorced me). Everyone thinks of an alcoholic as something other than themselves. How many embarrassing fights are too many to say "I have a problem"? How many blackouts are too many to say to say "I have a problem" How many drinks to say to say "I have a problem"? You can't measure yourself against others to consider if you have a problem For me looking back before I started drinking 4 years ago, I'd always struggled with something as you mentioned, depression, emptiness, self-hatred - that other things filled that hole (men, alcohol, prescription, drugs, career, shopping). I'm in my early 40's master degrees, prestigious job, addiction doesn't care how much money or education you have, and sobriety is the one thing you can't purchase. For me personally, recovery has brought into my life spiritual and educational principles to address more than my addiction to alcohol, it addresses that hole I've always had. Yes the bloating got worse, and recovering from my "weekends" and "benders" became more and more taxing on my body. After 1 year of daily drinking - I had liver damage. Now 4 months without a drink - most of the bloating is gone - but definitely still struggle with other physical and emotional issues from my short-period of alcohol abuse.
Stay well and take care of you
Stay well and take care of you
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I'm glad you're back! You sound like an alcoholic to me. During the week you have a non-drinking routine, so it's easier to stay sober. But on the weekends all bets are off. You sound like you'd be happier quitting altogether.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Hello and welcome back snarky;
I wouldn't worry too much about labels about what you are or aren't in terms of drinking.
I could easily stop drinking during the week for many years.
In fact, even when I still was kidding myself I didn't have a problem quitting nearly 30 years on
I could still work all week and even skip a few weekends of drinking all together when I was training or had things to do.
Bottom line was that it was a problem in my life and I did and said things drinking that I really regretted.
I also would be fine to have a few glasses and stop even in late stage drinking before I quit, but the thing is,
I wasn't really "safe" in that I could also just keep going unpredicatibly and get loaded without any warning.
Given the history you've described about blackouts and so on, I'd say please be careful and don't assume you can just be a social drinker from now on.
Maybe you will get lucky, but most of us posting on here are here for a reason.
Things can get out of hand very quickly.
I'm glad things have improved for you and wish you well.
As to your other question:
Bloating for me was symptom of body not able to deal with processing all the alcohol and immediately began to go away within the first solid week of quitting.
I wouldn't worry too much about labels about what you are or aren't in terms of drinking.
I could easily stop drinking during the week for many years.
In fact, even when I still was kidding myself I didn't have a problem quitting nearly 30 years on
I could still work all week and even skip a few weekends of drinking all together when I was training or had things to do.
Bottom line was that it was a problem in my life and I did and said things drinking that I really regretted.
I also would be fine to have a few glasses and stop even in late stage drinking before I quit, but the thing is,
I wasn't really "safe" in that I could also just keep going unpredicatibly and get loaded without any warning.
Given the history you've described about blackouts and so on, I'd say please be careful and don't assume you can just be a social drinker from now on.
Maybe you will get lucky, but most of us posting on here are here for a reason.
Things can get out of hand very quickly.
I'm glad things have improved for you and wish you well.
As to your other question:
Bloating for me was symptom of body not able to deal with processing all the alcohol and immediately began to go away within the first solid week of quitting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
Addiction certainly doesn't care who you are or how much status you have in society. Amazingly it may be one of the few things that binds poor and rich together on similar ground. I doubt there is a person here that doesn't have some horror story about drinking. Whether it is driving drunk, arguing in public or ruining a relationship, even functioning alcoholics (or people with alcohol problems) are damaging their lives. I'm thankful that those before me who have managed to build a sober bridge are willing to outstretch their hands to help those of us who are struggling.
I drank my way through my masters program and still managed a good GPA. However, I didn't retain a fraction of the material long term and did myself and society a disservice.
Thank you for coming back and sharing your experiences.
I drank my way through my masters program and still managed a good GPA. However, I didn't retain a fraction of the material long term and did myself and society a disservice.
Thank you for coming back and sharing your experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
I can't thank all of you enough. I was hiding for so long - and then the "it's a holiday I'll quit tomorrow" mentality started to kick in. I'm nervous as my hubby doesn't really support me. An he has a big problem too. For me it's not so.much about saving money or dropping weight - it's my liver that I would like to keep intact.
Thanks again
Thanks again
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
My story is similar to yours. Terrible out of control situations, cutting down, weekends only, a few glasses of wine. It was doable but tough. After my quota I would have trouble sleeping because I hadn't had the usual amount that helped me to pass out. It was a sort of limbo and it wan't all that nice trying to drink normally just to try and prove a point. I wish you luck xxx
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Snarky, glad you made it back! At this moment, pull the airplane safety mode. The airbag goes down, put it on yourself before you help the children. So. You worry about you and worry about hubby later. You have this whole board for support. 
sounds like you're ready.
sounds like you're ready.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Welcome back Snarky
There's a lot of folks here who just drink on the weekends - I used to do it myself for many years before I lost my job and became an everyday drinker...
I used to kid myself being a weekend warrior was better than drinking every day, but the volume and speed I used to drink were ridiculous.
There's nothing healthy about abusing alcohol. I'm really glad you're back
Bloating is pretty common I think but see your Dr if you're concerned
D
There's a lot of folks here who just drink on the weekends - I used to do it myself for many years before I lost my job and became an everyday drinker...
I used to kid myself being a weekend warrior was better than drinking every day, but the volume and speed I used to drink were ridiculous.
There's nothing healthy about abusing alcohol. I'm really glad you're back
Bloating is pretty common I think but see your Dr if you're concerned
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 297
Welcome back, Snarky...From what I understand this weekend Binge Drinking can be Very Hard on the Body-Starting and stopping abruptly after consuming large amounts of booze throws our system into a real chemical Upheaval-The secretions of our Liver and Pancreatic functions become drastically irregular and somewhat "Confused"-
I have had the Bloat as well-Actually twice over the past month and a half-It is Awful. This is due to Irritation/Damage to the stomach lining + overproduction of Acid-It can TOTALLY Lead to an Ulcer-If You don't have one already-Best to see the Doc, for sure !!
AL
I have had the Bloat as well-Actually twice over the past month and a half-It is Awful. This is due to Irritation/Damage to the stomach lining + overproduction of Acid-It can TOTALLY Lead to an Ulcer-If You don't have one already-Best to see the Doc, for sure !!
AL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya snarky ;-)
Hmm the fact that you blackout and didn't know if you were attacked or not alludes me to the fact yes , you are more than likely an alcoholic.
Just because you don't drink weekdays is irrelevant , you certainly make up for it on the weekends. I had this ' controlled' drinking for about 10 years .
It will escalate ..it always does .
Alcoholism is a progressive disease ...so eventually it will creep up and bite you on the bum!
Before you know it you are in too deep scratching to get out.
You were here in 2012 as you felt you had a problem then and it's almost 2014 now .
Smart of you to come here ;-)
You are in a fantastic helpful arena ,
Keep posting and good on you for recognising you have a problem xxx
Hugs x
Hmm the fact that you blackout and didn't know if you were attacked or not alludes me to the fact yes , you are more than likely an alcoholic.
Just because you don't drink weekdays is irrelevant , you certainly make up for it on the weekends. I had this ' controlled' drinking for about 10 years .
It will escalate ..it always does .
Alcoholism is a progressive disease ...so eventually it will creep up and bite you on the bum!
Before you know it you are in too deep scratching to get out.
You were here in 2012 as you felt you had a problem then and it's almost 2014 now .
Smart of you to come here ;-)
You are in a fantastic helpful arena ,
Keep posting and good on you for recognising you have a problem xxx
Hugs x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
You all have been so amazing already. I really do appreciate it. You are all right that I do have a problem. And the fact that I was here in 2012 an back again says something. Also. I do drink every day now. It's not just weekends so I guess I am really bad off.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
I want to welcome you too snarky - very glad you found your way back to us.
We have to be ready. Maybe you are now. My drinking had accelerated to every day too - in fact, all day every day. Here's where it can end. We are with you.
We have to be ready. Maybe you are now. My drinking had accelerated to every day too - in fact, all day every day. Here's where it can end. We are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 87
snarky,
I think you and I first came to the forum at the same time in May 2012. I too have struggled to "stay the course" since then... Hell I've had trouble staying the course for the last 12 years of my alcoholism. I've known I have a problem for the last 30 years and I have tried many times to stop over the last 12. Like you I am back here again and dedicated to do what is necessary to stay sober. I am on day 3 and figure if I can make it through my birthday tomorrow and then New Year's Eve the day after that I'll have a good jump start to a sober 2014.
Good luck and God Bless with your effort this time.
I think you and I first came to the forum at the same time in May 2012. I too have struggled to "stay the course" since then... Hell I've had trouble staying the course for the last 12 years of my alcoholism. I've known I have a problem for the last 30 years and I have tried many times to stop over the last 12. Like you I am back here again and dedicated to do what is necessary to stay sober. I am on day 3 and figure if I can make it through my birthday tomorrow and then New Year's Eve the day after that I'll have a good jump start to a sober 2014.
Good luck and God Bless with your effort this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
Thank you so very much. Well, day 1 almost over. Ton of tea . And the hubby wanted to watch football and I don't want to tell him I am quitting yet as it will just start an argument. I claimed cold meds and Sat at the bar and drank tea. Boom!! Go me!
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