Hell on earth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Hell on earth
Alcoholism at its best....
The most painful heart breaking obsession that you can't break free from. The torment and destruction.
The lying awake at night not knowing whats wrong with you. The waking the next day and hating drink and yourself.
Wishing you was dead, but god wont kill you, so you have to soldier on, or kill yourself, and you're slowing ripping yourself apart, but it's a slow and painful process when you just want to escape, and suicide seems like a good option, but you'd rather god just takes your life.
You want to escape your own thoughts and feelings, of not knowing who you are, where you are, what you want to be or anything!
Of reaching this in later life and realising, you've ****** it all up, and still have no clue what the answer to life is, when you know there is no answer, their is only booze and the next thing, and the next thing, to try to fix you up.
The utter despair that you feel when you put down the drink, and realise you can't live life without it, but you want to, oh how you so want to just feel normal, to feel complete and at one with the world, but you never will, so you drink.
The self destruction that I cause to myself is shocking, the constant beatings I take have left me wounded. If I was my friend I would have ditched me ages ago, but you can't run away from yourself.
When you try to appear normal, you keep up the pretence, you keep a mask on your face, and don't want anyone to see the real you, because you have no idea who the real you is. You have no purpose, no place in the world, your very existence seems pointless.
Heart broken, shame, guilt, embarrassment, paranoia, stress, anxiety, loneliness, weakness. No matter how great or small, it eats away at you. It eats your brain.
The lying to myself and others about the quantity of drink, and hiding it.
And when you take away the booze you feel so vulnerable, so broken, your thoughts and feelings are raw.
When your only options are:
a) drink
b) die
c) quit drink and go to AA
And all of them options feel ******, but you know one of them must win, and you so badly want AA to win, but you're in torment with yourself. A never ending battle what will never be won.
You don't know how to be, and how to exist.
Not knowing who to trust or who to ask for help, when you so desperately need help, but you don't fit into the world, you don't see a way out, there is no light at the end of the tunnel when you're still searching for the tunnel.
When You've reached the bottom of a pit, and the only place to turn to is an online forum.
Everything's killing me, and I want to die.
That's me. I'm am Sicknote, and I am an alcoholic.
The most painful heart breaking obsession that you can't break free from. The torment and destruction.
The lying awake at night not knowing whats wrong with you. The waking the next day and hating drink and yourself.
Wishing you was dead, but god wont kill you, so you have to soldier on, or kill yourself, and you're slowing ripping yourself apart, but it's a slow and painful process when you just want to escape, and suicide seems like a good option, but you'd rather god just takes your life.
You want to escape your own thoughts and feelings, of not knowing who you are, where you are, what you want to be or anything!
Of reaching this in later life and realising, you've ****** it all up, and still have no clue what the answer to life is, when you know there is no answer, their is only booze and the next thing, and the next thing, to try to fix you up.
The utter despair that you feel when you put down the drink, and realise you can't live life without it, but you want to, oh how you so want to just feel normal, to feel complete and at one with the world, but you never will, so you drink.
The self destruction that I cause to myself is shocking, the constant beatings I take have left me wounded. If I was my friend I would have ditched me ages ago, but you can't run away from yourself.
When you try to appear normal, you keep up the pretence, you keep a mask on your face, and don't want anyone to see the real you, because you have no idea who the real you is. You have no purpose, no place in the world, your very existence seems pointless.
Heart broken, shame, guilt, embarrassment, paranoia, stress, anxiety, loneliness, weakness. No matter how great or small, it eats away at you. It eats your brain.
The lying to myself and others about the quantity of drink, and hiding it.
And when you take away the booze you feel so vulnerable, so broken, your thoughts and feelings are raw.
When your only options are:
a) drink
b) die
c) quit drink and go to AA
And all of them options feel ******, but you know one of them must win, and you so badly want AA to win, but you're in torment with yourself. A never ending battle what will never be won.
You don't know how to be, and how to exist.
Not knowing who to trust or who to ask for help, when you so desperately need help, but you don't fit into the world, you don't see a way out, there is no light at the end of the tunnel when you're still searching for the tunnel.
When You've reached the bottom of a pit, and the only place to turn to is an online forum.
Everything's killing me, and I want to die.
That's me. I'm am Sicknote, and I am an alcoholic.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,354
There's a few options you missed sicknote...
d) inpatient rehab
e) outpatient rehab
f) consulting with your Dr about treatments available
g) counselling
h) other recovery groups besides AA
i) anything I've missed that someone else may mention in this thread...
you've far from down and out and backed into a corner - recovery starts with a day one for all of us sicknote
D
d) inpatient rehab
e) outpatient rehab
f) consulting with your Dr about treatments available
g) counselling
h) other recovery groups besides AA
i) anything I've missed that someone else may mention in this thread...
you've far from down and out and backed into a corner - recovery starts with a day one for all of us sicknote
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Sicknote, I am so sad to read this post, but I am so happy to see you back here. You have been missed so much on the October thread! You always had such helpful websites and tidbits (I check out Happify regularly). I don't want you to die. I want you to live and I want you to live alcohol free and abundantly. I am praying for you. Don't give up. LOVE LOVE LOVE to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three. William Blake
isn't that such a beautiful quote!! I need to sought for my brother
isn't that such a beautiful quote!! I need to sought for my brother
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Hi sicknote;
Like DD says, you are much missed on the Tobers thread.
Hope you come back there and check in with us soon.
Glad you're going to call your Doc
Ya know, one of these days it is just going to click and
you are going to stop drinking if you don't give up and keep posting.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Happy (and Sober) New Year
Like DD says, you are much missed on the Tobers thread.
Hope you come back there and check in with us soon.
Glad you're going to call your Doc
Ya know, one of these days it is just going to click and
you are going to stop drinking if you don't give up and keep posting.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Happy (and Sober) New Year
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Ouff your post was really to the point. I would listen to Dee and consult.
Contemplating death or suicide over an addiction is the ultimate lost of judgement. No matter how deep I got, I always had the feeling of hope and knew that no one was going to take my hand to make me stop. I had to decide for myself and ask for support. SR has provided that for me.
Don't give up friend! Put your fists up and fight this addiction.
Contemplating death or suicide over an addiction is the ultimate lost of judgement. No matter how deep I got, I always had the feeling of hope and knew that no one was going to take my hand to make me stop. I had to decide for myself and ask for support. SR has provided that for me.
Don't give up friend! Put your fists up and fight this addiction.
Sober from 11/19/13-1/18/14
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 177
Wow. Everything that you wrote was me.. exactly. I have thought, right down to the exact wording, many of the things you mentioned. I want to always keep this bookmarked so that I can remember WHY I stopped drinking, WHY I never want to start again, and WHY I need to be sober forever.
Life is still not easy. I still do not fit in anywhere. But it's getting better.
You can do this. Don't give up.
Life is still not easy. I still do not fit in anywhere. But it's getting better.
You can do this. Don't give up.
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