2bhappier

I knew I would because I've given myself this excuse to drink until I get to an AA meeting on Monday morning. I feel ashamed and horrible and like I am a weak, bad person. I also feel like I shouldn't be here posting about it because I didn't even try not to drink last night when someone had suggested I get a few days sober under my belt. I just am mad at myself. I drank a little more than 1/2 a bottle of wine. I will go work out today (another addiction). Not sure what else to say. Will I ever really hunker down and get sober? I did look at the AVRT (?) website yesterday and also looked for AA literature to get. So, I feel like those were positive things yet I did drink. Am I a lost cause?

LiaAc

A lost cause? Not even.

You're here right?

There are others who can offer better advice than I on AA and what not because I'm a pill head. Otherwise I know exactly what you mean. In the beginning I felt like the biggest POS and lost cause and every bad thing in between. I'm 31 days in after believing that I couldn't make this stick.

I thought I couldn't be sober without changing my attitude, and I never could keep a good attitude for long. So I would go back to the pills. But I had it backwards- it wasn't until I got sober that I was able to change my attitude for the better, on a more long-term basis.

One thing to remember- you're not alone here. We're all going through this together.

JackieC

You're being honest. I don't know about you, but that's more than I used to be when I woke up after drinking when I knew I shouldn't. So that's good.

No one is a lost cause. You're here and you have our support.

Jackie

Seabee

You are ablsulutely not a lost cause! We have all stumbled! Stay on here and keep working on getting sober!

Mags1

Hi 2bhappier, course you're not a bad person!

You've probably read the posts where a lot of us have an addiction and myself personally, have to be one step in front of it constantly.

Some days are easy but at this time of the yeAr booze is thrown in our faces to persuade us to drink. It takes willpower and plenty of visits to here, post and read.

It's early days yet for you, visit your aa on Monday and start again.

ScottFromWI

You are always welcome here, that's the nature of the recovery community, whether it be SR, AA or whichever other you choose.

What's most important however, is being true to yourself. You ask if you will ever finally get sober...and the answer is 100% yes...IF you want to and IF you do the necessary work. Lets use AA as an example....you planned a meeting for Monday, but then planned to drink over the weekend. You could have gone to a meeting yesterday and today instead and gotten some numbers to call if you had more urges. I'm just using that as a specific case, but the bottom line is sobriety means taking action NOW, not tomorrow or Monday or next week.

So you are back, that is a good sign...what is your next move?

Impurrfect

2B - You're not a bad person, you're a good person with the bad disease of alcholism.

I agree with LiaAc - I couldn't change my attitude until I had drugs out of my system. Even then, it took a little while as I was living with family who were very angry with me (with every right) BUT each minute, hour, day that went by and I didn't use?

Well, I felt a bit better about myself a little at a time. Yes, there were times I thought "OMG, I can't and don't want to do this" but I'd also get glimpses of how much better things could be.

You're an amazing person who deserves to live life without the crutch of alcohol

Keep reading and posting - you really aren't alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ericwilson

You are not a lost cause, none of us here are.

I agree with the others that having a plan where you can drink isn't a plan for sobriety. I share this simply because I would be lying to everyone if I didn't have the same problem.

I am a weekend and holiday drinker; as long as I didn't have to get up early for work the next day what the heck-right? Well during the holidays this is especially hard for those who share the same 'plans' on drinking.

Just take the moment you are in right now and remember to love yourself first.

You can do this, and we are all here to help you along the way. Keep Faith in yourself and it will happen!

Eric

2bhappier

I really appreciate the responses all. A little toughness is a good thing too. I did look at an on line meeting yesterday but did not participate. There are very few meetings where I live (2 a week) and I wonder how people manage to get sober with so few meetings. But I know they do. I also do not have the support of my husband. He thinks I am being silly because I am not a person who is drunk all day and I manage to get up every workday and go to work. I think I am a functional alcoholic. He thinks I am just looking for something to worry about.

HeadLump

Ah 2b - you came straight on here and told us about it. That shows real strength of character

As Eric says, we are all here supporting you. You can do this, 2b. You are far, far from a lost cause

HeadLump

It can be very hard for non-alcoholics to understand, 2b, but you know how you feel around drink and you also probably know that alcoholism is progressive. It's great that you're taking it seriously now xx

Mizzuno

I am not sure why people think that they should not post after drinking. I mean, we are a recovery community. Posting is exactly what one is supposed to do. You can get sober. It is definitely a hard task, and sometimes we have a hard time getting it "right" the first time. For me, it was like the 10th time and something clicked (i do not advise this for anyone) So, lets move onto today and what will you do differently? You do not have to wait for AA to abstain.

360shoes

I don't know 2b. I kind of did the same thing. I had 15 years of every morning feeling that way. I can't tell you how many times I got up mad at myself, felt weak and like a loser. Every morning I told myself I wasn't going to drink and almost every..not all...but almost every evening I did it again. It didn't even matter if it was just a couple. I hated how I let myself down every time. 15 years of letting myself down. Not all that great on the self esteem if you know what I mean.

Then I got a little momentum going and made it 2 weeks. That was good. I didn't think I could last that long but I did. Then I drank one afternoon at the airport with a friend. Just 2 glasses of wine. I drove home after her getting on her plane and I said that's it. I'm done with this. I didn't enjoy the 2 and quite frankly, I felt like crap.

That is my last memory of drinking. Nothing exciting. Just I was tired of it.

So I got on here and made a commitment to myself. I said that no matter what. No matter how bad I feel. No matter how much it sucks. I would do anything but I would not drink. Anything but. I meant it.

So my little March 2013 class got stuck with me and heard all about the no matter whats.

Days became weeks. Weeks became months. Now it's just who I am. A non drinker.

So I guess my point is I didn't have a big disaster. I didn't have a moment of divine intervention. I just finally stopped.

Now I have plenty of time to do all the things I used to do to make up for my flaws...like go to the gym...but now it's not to hide the fact I let myself down all the time but because I actually think I'm worth doing all that good stuff.

I don't underestimate how awful it is to not treat myself well or how awful it is to lie to myself.

Sometimes alcohol can devastate a life and sometimes it can just slowly suck the soul right out of you.

Just try again. Keep trying. Don't give up.

2bhappier

Thank you, your responses are very encouraging. I am relieved to know there are other people out there like me. I do get anxious when my husband insists my problem is all in my head but he isn't in my head or body and doesn't know how I feel. I know I have low self-esteem and the drinking is a way to escape the negative thoughts about myself but it doesn't last long. I also have terrible pain and I refuse to take any pain medication which is really crazy because I try to medicate myself with wine and that doesn't work. When I read what I write here I sound like a whiny person. I apologize.

Dee74

Hi 2bhappier

I absolutely believe you can do this - anyone can - you need to make different choices is all.

I had low self esteem too - I also self medicated with booze.

I had to believe - I had to trust and have faith - that the way to wellness (in every aspect of that word) was to change my decisions, and let go of my booze buddy.

Some of the decisions you'll face - decisions not to drink and to seek help instead - will hard to make - but there's plenty of support here

you can do this 2b

D

HeadLump

I had very low self-esteem, too, and as a result (and often compounded by drink) made decisions that even at the time made me shudder and eroded that self-esteem even further

One of the unexpected benefits of stopping drinking has been that my self esteem has soared, so much so that I've been able to tackle other long standing issues too. I actually like myself now! It may have taken 53 years but I've finally got there!

Once you find the strength to say 'no' to that first glass of wine, you're on your way to discovering all sorts of new things about who you really are. . .

LiaAc

Nothing whiny about sharing your experiences. Please do so, it's helps you AND it helps others.