Marcher13

LB one of the things I've learned is that addiction isn't fussy about who hosts it. Yeah my life and job would suggest I shouldn't be an alcoholic. House, business, online volunteer, care for my mother in our home etc, despite all that I'm alcoholic. Even though I stopped in March it took me a long while to accept inside me that I'm an alcoholic. I kept thinking maybe I'm not, maybe this, maybe that...I am, I can't stop at one drink.

Work on your recovery, don't try to force the emotional acceptance, it will come.

JackieC

Hi there. I'm on day 6 and I'm really struggling with going to meetings as well. Though I'm also a lawyer and have kids and do the PTA thing and ALL that, at heart I am very shy and self-conscious with a lot of social anxiety -- so walking into a meeting is very scary to me, despite everyone's assurances of how accepting it is, etc. This is because my fear of the meetings isn't rational. So I keep telling myself I just have to decide to go. I look at times, I think about going and then I chicken out. I don't want to leave my house at all, in fact.

Let me know if you decide to try and go to one. I'd be willing to do a "I'll go if you go" agreement. We could each go and come back and report here how it was. Just the thought of it terrifies me! So silly but it just does. Maybe I'll start a new thread with the if-you-go-I'll-go idea.

Jackie 122213

PurpleKnight

Everyone has to start somewhere, yes your on meds to deal with withdrawals, but that's a better compromise than still drinking for the last 48hrs, eventually the meds will taper down and you'll not be on them either.

You'll find a lot of alcoholics hold down jobs, get up in the morning at the sound of the alarm clock, struggle through the hangovers and no one knows any different, but we do, the hangovers in the morning getting worse, spending more and more time in the bathroom in the mornings etc . . . I've certainly got that T-Shirt!!

I never lost my license, never arrested, never lost a job, and because of that it's easy to continue drinking, there's no rock bottom moment, which is why I too realised there may be a problem and waited months before doing anything about it.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over not taking action sooner, the cycle of any addiction is difficult to break.

The main thing is your here now, committed to making that change, and you'll find loads of support here!!

LegallyBrunette

12213 I will take you up on the if you go I'll go approach. I know I need the support of a group but I lack the confidence to take that step so something like that would help me a lot.

MemphisBlues

Well, LG, I am very impressed that practitioners are beginning to acknowledge what a complicated and unique experience benzodiazepine withdrawal is. Flumenizal seems like a very new and potentially helpful drug for benzo withdrawal.

I will look into it more.

Please do share your experience with it here on SR. I participate in some benzo support forums as well as SR and have seen nary a mention of Flumenizal.

Most benzo heads are treated harshly in rehabs, simply going cold turkey as if it was coke, meth, heroin, etc.

Anything that would mitigate the protracted withdrawal symptoms many of us experience post acute detox would go a God send. My experience included seizures and psychosis about two weeks following my last dosage, but I was on a clonazepam equivalent of 400 milligrams of Valium daily and I also went cold turkey. An extreme case, I suspect, and not advised.

That you have found a doctor specializing in benzo withdrawal speaks to the medical profession slowly waking up to the hazards of these drugs. How doctors can willingly go along and be complicit in our addiction is beyond me.

Thanks for posting here.

Do know that you never have to go through this again.

Anna

Legallybrunette, I know that denial was huge for me. I started using alcohol to self-medicate insomnia/anxiety/depression. I told myself that it would help and that I needed it in order to function. I had a stressful job, two teenagers and husband who travelled constantly. I told myself there was no other way to manage. I quickly became addicted and lived in denial for a couple of years. At that point, I knew I was going to have to stop drinking for good, but it still took most of another year for me to make that happen.

I know I didn't fully accept that I was an alcoholic for the first few weeks of recovery. But, after a few weeks, acceptance settled in and things became easier.

LegallyBrunette

Memphis:

I am sorry you had to go through what you did. I knew that I could not even make an attempt to do a cold turkey withdrawal. I read enough on the Internet to become too terrified to even try it. When I asked my primary care physician for assistance his response was "why would you want to give up this medication it has cured your anxiety?" I met my treating doctor and immediately he "got it" and new what to do and so here I am with the Flumenazil pump and all my anti convulsants.

This treatment is more common in Australia & the UK. In fact here in the U.S. there are only three treatment facilities offering it. I was lucky one is here in my city. Luckier still they're not requiring me to be hospitalized. I just go in once a day for 5 days to be monitored. I can say I feel much better than I imagine many coming off benzos do. Basically I feel like I have a bad flu but have not at least yet had any of the psychological symptoms and as of yet no craving for benzos. My infusion process will be over Monday but my doctor expects to leave me on anticonvulsants for about 2 months. Some evidence suggests that the drug may assist in GABBA transmitter repair after benzos so it is possible if I continue to struggle with physical withdrawal and the disassociation type symptoms I will go through another infusion.

There is a video (I cannot post links on here because I am new) that shows how the pump works and an overview of the treatment.

These drugs are so incredibly misunderstood. I am an alcoholic/addict so had my doctor warned me when prescribing this medication that it was highly addictive I probably would've taken it any way. However, it makes me angry that many others would not if they only knew the power and hold these drugs can quickly take. It also makes me angry that people are not more frequently warned not that cold turkey off this class of drugs can kill you and that most mainstream treatment facilities have no idea how to treat them. Only by the grace of God do I live in a city where I have access to a specialist and the resources to pay for treatment insurance will not cover because benzos are not well understood. I guess that is something I can be thankful for while I am otherwise sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I need to be sober.

JackieC

Okay, LB, you've got a deal on the meeting thing.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, LegallyBrunette! You're very smart to be using medical help and medication to help quit. Much smarter than going it alone like I did!

It's very good to have you here. SR is a great place, and you will fit right in!

cheebiechi

Welcome LB,

I think you and 1222 might have something going here. There has been so many great responses here that it is heart warming. When I was drinking, the center of the crowd in where I was, but after getting sober over a year ago I realized I am actually a pretty shy guy. I have been attending the same AA meeting for a year now with maybe a handful in between. I could write forever on that topic, but I must say that time has allowed myself to come out of my shell a bit and it just gets better and easier every day!

One Day At Time!!

Matt

cheebiechi

LB,

I have to pipe in again, after reading your post and replying with my own, my brain is moving and shaking about finding a new meeting to head to this morning that I have never been to before!

Thank you for sharing and giving me the strength to open my shell a bit more

Matt

canguy

....God. High functioning alcoholism, addiction has to be the worst. There's so much to hide. You spend so much of your life concealing. You wind up alone so there's nobody around to see it in you. The trouble is that the drugs and alcohol actually make you function better in the short term. You're fast, have the problem sorted. In front. Because you spend every night pacing the room and thinking about it. If you're good....there are rules. All emails are written as txt files for morning review. Never send at night. Never show them anything. Weekends are just one long banging rage. Who cares. The wife left 2 years ago. This is a new kind of hell....

LegallyBrunette

It does in a way suck to be "high functioning" because at least for me it helps me to engage in denial. I remember the first time I tried to get sober trying to go to a meeting and hearing all sorts of crazy stories about criminal activity, losing jobs and families, even killing someone drunk driving and being able to say "wow, these people are really skid row. I do not belong here. I must not have a problem." Of course this is untrue and there really is no difference between me and anyone else with this problem but the lack of a real bottom so to speak allowed my drinking and use of prescription medication to progress totally unabated. My parents and significant other are also high functioning alcoholics so to them my drinking behavior is totally normal. Aided by pharmaceuticals I was able to always ensure I was the first in the office and last to leave and at social functions related to work I was always quick to find the "light weight" who would seem very drunk and deflect onto them, no one at work ever noticed save for my legal assistant who noticed my hands shake and became concerned I had early onset Parkinson's disease. I told her I have low blood sugar...No one really has ever thought my drinking/drug use was an issue. Except my doctor. This makes it hard for me at times not to deny it.

Mizzuno

Im not really sure if I prescribe to high functioning alcoholic or low functioning. To me alcoholism has all different colors and takes different shapes. Addiction is addiction. Now, where we allow ourselves to go, or where the addiction takes us is a whole other ball entirely. It is good that you were able to end the madness before you lost a job, your family, or whatever else is precious. We all have a bottom of some sort. I did not shake, or drink daily, and most thought that I could control my alcoholism. It progressed into a nightmare though. I started to lose. It is only a matter of time.

PurpleKnight

It definitely can convince us that we don't have a problem, our minds can tell us "your making it to work, you haven't lost your job, you haven't been arrested, so why do you need to quit?"

The truth is alcohol is still damaging the unseen, the things that can't be seen on the outside by other people, our emotions, our health, our relationships!!

MemphisBlues

I was high functioning until I couldn't function at all. There really wasn't much in between time.

I would wake up, down my half pot of coffee along with 10 milligrams of Klonopin, smoke a joint, drive to work, get their before anyone else, file my work early, I chalked up national awards, traveled the country speaking to others in my profession, was elected to service positions in my field, smoked out int he presidential suites of top hotels across the country, got kuddos from the top dogs, yada yada.

Without the benzos, I'm sure I would have crashed a lot sooner.

LB, you're doing great. Tackling this demon now is the best thing you could do for yourself.

I do hope you're in a position to stay out of the office for a few weeks.

Dee74

Maybe...but I was the low end unwashed neighborhood drunk - one missed rent payment away from Skid Row...and I was still in denial.

But I started just like you, LB.

I'm glad you're deciding to deal with this now before you lose too much

D