toxic relationship with childs mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
toxic relationship with childs mother
I am an alcoholic. I was an alcoholic before I got with her and I don't blame her for my drinking, as I am the one who makes that decision. This woman is not condusive for my sobriety and overall happines and well being. As an alcoholic I have been a manipulator, a liar, a jerk, selfish...you name it.
She struggles with her own issues, although she is not an alcoholic, I believe she is an addict. Let me point out that we are currently "working on our selves" and on hiatus. I believe she is super codependent and a relationship addict. I really know the best thing for us and my serenity is to find a way to permanently end this "relationship." She is a cunning manipulator, has been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder as well as a pathological liar.
I have in several occasions in the past 2 1/2 years of our 3 1/2 years knowing eachother tried to end the relationship peacefully. She will not allow this to happen. Even before she got pregnant I knew she was bad for me. Being the addict I am I had her move in with me after knowing her only 2 months. I was heartbroken over my ex for a lomg time and I found comfort in her. It wasn't long until red flags started popping up, with her tall tails, and codependent behavior. I remember feeling like what the hell, I didn't get with you so you could boss me around and take over my life. After being with her about a year she quit working and left me the sole provider. When I finally had the nerve to try and kick her out she told me I would have to take legal action... That's not love. Eventually the mounting pressure of feeling stuck in a relationship I didnt know how to end I found comfort elsewhere. This comfort was cocaine. About a month into my coke binge I found out she was pregnant. Over a 6 month period I tried as hard as I could to get through the mysery by drinking and doing coke nearly everyday. I was miserable because the thought of having a child with this woman was terrifying. At the end of my cocaine use I was spending almost my entire paycheck on booze, blow, and cigarettes. When I eventually quit my job I pawned or sold everything I had worth a dime to suppot my addictions. Here I was was left with a child on the way with the most destructive force in my life other than myself. I HATED HER! Eventually we moved into my mothers. Four months later we had a beautiful baby boy. Today he is the light of my life, 15 months old and smart, funny, and I really enjoy him. She is currently living with family friends and has a good job. I have managed to start my own business and stay afloat despite my alcoholism.
Today she "says" she understands that our relationship is toxic, but her actions say otherwise. She simply will not let me go without threats. She threatens to quit her job and take me to court for child support, although we share custody and I watch him while she is working, and pay my share. She tried to lure me in with sexual advances, and I have given in, but not in over a month now, as I'm really wanting to get my happiness back and move on single and be a father to my son. She never stops trying to manipulate me through passive agression, sex, threats....
I'm sooooooo exhausted. I don't know what to do. I do believe my only chance for serenity for myself and the future for my son is to stay sober and find a way to put a permanent end to the relationship with his mother. She will not let me go without a fight.
She struggles with her own issues, although she is not an alcoholic, I believe she is an addict. Let me point out that we are currently "working on our selves" and on hiatus. I believe she is super codependent and a relationship addict. I really know the best thing for us and my serenity is to find a way to permanently end this "relationship." She is a cunning manipulator, has been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder as well as a pathological liar.
I have in several occasions in the past 2 1/2 years of our 3 1/2 years knowing eachother tried to end the relationship peacefully. She will not allow this to happen. Even before she got pregnant I knew she was bad for me. Being the addict I am I had her move in with me after knowing her only 2 months. I was heartbroken over my ex for a lomg time and I found comfort in her. It wasn't long until red flags started popping up, with her tall tails, and codependent behavior. I remember feeling like what the hell, I didn't get with you so you could boss me around and take over my life. After being with her about a year she quit working and left me the sole provider. When I finally had the nerve to try and kick her out she told me I would have to take legal action... That's not love. Eventually the mounting pressure of feeling stuck in a relationship I didnt know how to end I found comfort elsewhere. This comfort was cocaine. About a month into my coke binge I found out she was pregnant. Over a 6 month period I tried as hard as I could to get through the mysery by drinking and doing coke nearly everyday. I was miserable because the thought of having a child with this woman was terrifying. At the end of my cocaine use I was spending almost my entire paycheck on booze, blow, and cigarettes. When I eventually quit my job I pawned or sold everything I had worth a dime to suppot my addictions. Here I was was left with a child on the way with the most destructive force in my life other than myself. I HATED HER! Eventually we moved into my mothers. Four months later we had a beautiful baby boy. Today he is the light of my life, 15 months old and smart, funny, and I really enjoy him. She is currently living with family friends and has a good job. I have managed to start my own business and stay afloat despite my alcoholism.
Today she "says" she understands that our relationship is toxic, but her actions say otherwise. She simply will not let me go without threats. She threatens to quit her job and take me to court for child support, although we share custody and I watch him while she is working, and pay my share. She tried to lure me in with sexual advances, and I have given in, but not in over a month now, as I'm really wanting to get my happiness back and move on single and be a father to my son. She never stops trying to manipulate me through passive agression, sex, threats....
I'm sooooooo exhausted. I don't know what to do. I do believe my only chance for serenity for myself and the future for my son is to stay sober and find a way to put a permanent end to the relationship with his mother. She will not let me go without a fight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
The worst thing I see in your post is the sexual interaction you have with her still.
Please don't make her pregnant again, that would be really bad.
As for dealing with her, do you best to be pleasant and polite and set healthy boundaries.
You have to deal with her until your son is old enough to take care of himself.
As for the rest, I would work on sobriety if I was you. It will help solve a bunch of other issues and will
Allow you to take wiser decisions And most of all your son needs you.
You can do this, we have faith in you. Put a plan in place, and follow trough.
Be well!
Please don't make her pregnant again, that would be really bad.
As for dealing with her, do you best to be pleasant and polite and set healthy boundaries.
You have to deal with her until your son is old enough to take care of himself.
As for the rest, I would work on sobriety if I was you. It will help solve a bunch of other issues and will
Allow you to take wiser decisions And most of all your son needs you.
You can do this, we have faith in you. Put a plan in place, and follow trough.
Be well!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
The worst thing I see in your post is the sexual interaction you have with her still.
Please don't make her pregnant again, that would be really bad.
As for dealing with her, do you best to be pleasant and polite and set healthy boundaries.
You have to deal with her until your son is old enough to take care of himself.
As for the rest, I would work on sobriety if I was you. It will help solve a bunch of other issues and will
Allow you to take wiser decisions And most of all your son needs you.
You can do this, we have faith in you. Put a plan in place, and follow trough.
Be well!
Please don't make her pregnant again, that would be really bad.
As for dealing with her, do you best to be pleasant and polite and set healthy boundaries.
You have to deal with her until your son is old enough to take care of himself.
As for the rest, I would work on sobriety if I was you. It will help solve a bunch of other issues and will
Allow you to take wiser decisions And most of all your son needs you.
You can do this, we have faith in you. Put a plan in place, and follow trough.
Be well!
Maybe to look at the current circumstances in a posative light would be, knowing that sticking to my boundaries and staying sober is the only way out. No matter how much confusion, frustration, and heartache it will cause. Some days I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I do believe my only chance for serenity for myself and the future for my son is to stay sober and find a way to put a permanent end to the relationship with his mother. She will not let me go without a fight.
Yes, it sounds like you are have some battles on your hands.
You will be able to handle all these battles in life, just like the rest of us do - IF you get sober and clean.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
She does sound like a relationship addict. I will never understand why someone would want to be with someone that is clearly not in love with them. I know a couple like that who have been together for years. He did not love her and broke up with her and she said "no." She absolutely refused to get out of his life. He even ended up marrying her and you can just see him just going through the motions. I pity her at times. She deserves better. Now on to you. I think you are right in staying on a sober path. You only get to do this thing called "life" one time so do it the way that makes you happy. This a very unhealthy relationship and you need to remove yourself from it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Being my childs mother I care deeply for her, but I am not in love with her. I believe it will take some outside intervention to end things.
Thanks for the support everyone. Today is a rough day. I have plenty to keep me from dwelling on this for too long at a time. The more I let the situation stir in my head the more the AV start talking to me. I'm going to look for a men's meeting today.
The thing is, my mother is extremely codependent and passive agressive as well, but doesn't suffer from some of the more extreme afflictions as my childs mother.
Let me say she is aware an not in total denial about her issues and behavior, but she seems unable to let go of me and let me move on.
I'll admit I have contemplated suicide in the past as a way out. This was my drung and alcohol fuled mind comming up with that nonsense.
It's just so hard fighting multiple battles.
Thanks for the support everyone. Today is a rough day. I have plenty to keep me from dwelling on this for too long at a time. The more I let the situation stir in my head the more the AV start talking to me. I'm going to look for a men's meeting today.
The thing is, my mother is extremely codependent and passive agressive as well, but doesn't suffer from some of the more extreme afflictions as my childs mother.
Let me say she is aware an not in total denial about her issues and behavior, but she seems unable to let go of me and let me move on.
I'll admit I have contemplated suicide in the past as a way out. This was my drung and alcohol fuled mind comming up with that nonsense.
It's just so hard fighting multiple battles.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
It sounds like you're doing all the right things in keeping your distance and working on your sobriety. Staying sober is so important so you can deal with all this crap with a clear mind.
I hope this all works out well for you.
I hope this all works out well for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
Please get away from her asap. I was married to a man like that and it took a group of counselors at a woman's support center to help me leave him. Abusive people will mess you up in the head so bad as they switch from nice to mean on a regular basis. She could actually be quite dangerous and maybe something in your gut is telling you this making it harder to leave. Please look up "controlling spouse" and learn about abusive relationships as much as possible. It helps to know what type of abuser you're with.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
If I wanted my sober life to be different to my drinking one I had to cut toxic people out of my life - no if ands or buts.
I understand you have a child with this woman but I believe you can engage at a absolutely need to minimal level for your son's sake....
and stop sending mixed messages by sleeping with her, man.
D
I understand you have a child with this woman but I believe you can engage at a absolutely need to minimal level for your son's sake....
and stop sending mixed messages by sleeping with her, man.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
If I wanted my sober life to be different to my drinking one I had to cut toxic people out of my life - no if ands or buts.
I understand you have a child with this woman but I believe you can engage at a absolutely need to minimal level for your son's sake....
and stop sending mixed messages by sleeping with her, man.
D
I understand you have a child with this woman but I believe you can engage at a absolutely need to minimal level for your son's sake....
and stop sending mixed messages by sleeping with her, man.
D
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