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I'm not actually sober, just a non-drinker

Old 12-23-2013, 01:20 PM
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I'm not actually sober, just a non-drinker

Hi everyone
I quit drinking 11-1-2012 on my own and that's explains the title to this thread. I still have a lot of my drunk behaviors that cause me grief and of course the people (what little that's left )in my life.
I'm new to this site and looking for some help. I'm really struggling with the victims of my drinking that have walked away from me. One of them is my son and he just had a baby with his gf. I was told that I would never see my first grand baby . I am struggling with wanting them a part of my sober life but I totally understand why he doesn't want me in his life. How do I deal with this? The pain is unbelievable. I've lost about everyone and there are only a few that I want to have them in my new life. Do I reach out? Do I leave them alone?
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Old 12-23-2013, 01:26 PM
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Thats tough. I think if you live right and they see it, they will take you back. It's going to take time I am sure, but what other choice do you have? People are skeptical of us because we tend to go back to our old ways.

Keep taking care of yourself and I think things will work themselves out.
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Old 12-23-2013, 01:32 PM
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Hi and welcome Sheri

Thats a tough one. With the people in my life who told me in no uncertain terms they didn't want to see or hear from me again, I respected that wish and stayed away.

I'm not a parent or a grandparent tho - I'd imagine that a whole other level of pain.

I hope others with experience will chime in here - SR is a great place to be for support

D
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Old 12-23-2013, 01:36 PM
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Have you considered therapy? It might help you work through some of the residual behaviors that cause you problems. I'd do just about anything to make things right , to see a grandchild
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Old 12-23-2013, 01:47 PM
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I am in therapy but we just started. I'm trying to work on me before I try to fix anything else. I was just wondering if anyone else has been in my shoes. Thanks.
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Old 12-23-2013, 01:59 PM
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Sheri, it may take some sober time before they are 'sure' that they want to let you back into their lives. Please keep reading and posting here, there are many who have gone through this or similar.
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:09 PM
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I lost a lot of people but regained their trust in the end. They do mellow towards you. I had to work on my sober mind too with a clinical psychologist. Still see her from time to time, she is great x
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:10 PM
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I have not been in the same situation, but I alienated my children during my years of drinking, particularly my daughter. It's taken time and patience and determination to never let them down again to get where I am today. I do have the blessing of grandchildren and I can imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I think the best thing you can do is to keep working on yourself and I hope that you can reconcile with your family.
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Old 12-23-2013, 02:28 PM
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I'm 15 days in and told my brother I would walk the talk this time and we could have a conversation in 6 months. After that if he still does not want me in his life I am moving on with my new sober life.

Walk the talk and I'm sure that you will see your grandson. Just work on you, you and you first.

Be well!
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:11 PM
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Sober Sheri congrats on your sober time, and welcome! I think with the birth of this baby and the holidays being here maybe it's time to hold your hand out one more try for a relationship. I find you must always prepare for the worst case scenario so that you are not crushed.

I will share this with you, before I had children of my own my mother and I had a somewhat tumultuous relationship. She didn't get me I didn't get her. When I had my first baby the way I looked at my mother changed forever. With the birth of your own child you can finally comprehend that mother/father's love for their child is stronger then any other bond. Perhaps your son will be able to open his heart to you now.

Reach out! Good luck, be well.
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:23 PM
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If I was to flip to the other side and say I once was the son of an alcoholic dad to give you some reassurance.

All children I think at some stage in life realise their parents aren't going to be around forever, and rather than never talking to a parent again and waiting for that awful thought of receiving a phone call one day, they mellow and make contact as there is still a connection through blood, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but if you're sober and your son sees you have changed that will be even more of a reason for him to make contact.

It's gonna take time though, not sure how old your son is, but he needs to figure out who he is, by that I mean finding his own identity in this world, something that only comes with maturity, especially now with starting his own family, until he does that, he won't realise how important family is in the bigger picture of life.
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:32 PM
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Thank you, he's 24 and isn't very mature. I just pray that one day he will realize that I'm just as flawed as everyone else.
The bad thing is we have no mutual people that we hang out with, so how will he know? I'm trying to be patient but it's hard knowing I have my first grand baby just across town.
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:44 PM
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Sherri is it completely out of the question to just call him? If he has no idea you've not had a drink in over a year how is he to know youve changed?
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Old 12-23-2013, 03:53 PM
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Welcome! It can take awhile with loved ones to build up the trust again. Your son may be more ready to talk after some significant sober time.

Have you thought about working the steps with a sponsor? It gives is a chance to understand our areas of opportunity in how we interact with others and understand further what we did to cause pain. Later in the steps, we make amends to those we have hurt. It's a freeing process and helps us clear out the wreckage of the past. There's a right way to make an amend so you may wish to wait until you're completely ready and equipped with tools from working the steps before having a productive conversation with your son. All the best.

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Old 12-23-2013, 03:55 PM
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Yes, one day he will realise that we are all flawed, in our teens/20's we all think we are invincible and know best, we are untouchable as our egos tell us we are so full of wisdom.

You then hit your late 20's/30's and your eyes open, to be more forgiving of family/friends, and discover the principle of "gratitude" which was soo very missed in our younger years!!
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Old 12-23-2013, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ImperfectlyMe View Post
Sherri is it completely out of the question to just call him? If he has no idea you've not had a drink in over a year how is he to know youve changed?
I don't have his new number and I don't know where he lives. I reached out to his half sister this morning to see if she would tell him that I have a Christmas gift from my granny and I never heard back. I'm guessing he doesn't want it or doesn't want it from me.
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