Dealing with the Hurt Caused to Love ones?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
Dealing with the Hurt Caused to Love ones?
Good morning, I'm working on my 3rd month sober now and believe me I have no desire to return to drinking.
Everything has been going very well up to this point. I'm working the steps and immersed my self into a good church. but, I have been struggling with something as I look to put my life back together. The issue I'm struggling with is how I verbally and emotionally hurt the people I loved the most and the sad thing is I'm finding out things I said that and can't remember them or even imagine words like that would come from my mouth. Has anyone or does anyone have this issue or have had it in the past?
I truly love and care for these people and don't want to see them continue to hurt over things I said while drinking. One is a lady I planned on marrying and a large reason I quit drinking to start with. Now that I've quit and things in my life are getting tremendously better the things I said to hurt her won't go away with her.
I assume this could be anyone that disease has affected but looking for some sort of advice or at least get it off my chest.
Thanks
jb
Everything has been going very well up to this point. I'm working the steps and immersed my self into a good church. but, I have been struggling with something as I look to put my life back together. The issue I'm struggling with is how I verbally and emotionally hurt the people I loved the most and the sad thing is I'm finding out things I said that and can't remember them or even imagine words like that would come from my mouth. Has anyone or does anyone have this issue or have had it in the past?
I truly love and care for these people and don't want to see them continue to hurt over things I said while drinking. One is a lady I planned on marrying and a large reason I quit drinking to start with. Now that I've quit and things in my life are getting tremendously better the things I said to hurt her won't go away with her.
I assume this could be anyone that disease has affected but looking for some sort of advice or at least get it off my chest.
Thanks
jb
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Mr Clean. Sounds like you have a great plan and congrats on your 3 months.
Regarding the things we did in the past, we all feel remorse for them of course. Having said that, there is nothing you can do to "undo" them. Moving forward sober and being responsible is the best you can do to regain the trust and respect of those that we have hurt. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or timeline for when that will happen - and it some cases the wounds may never heal if they were too deep. So the best you can do is work on your sobriety and move forward.
Regarding the things we did in the past, we all feel remorse for them of course. Having said that, there is nothing you can do to "undo" them. Moving forward sober and being responsible is the best you can do to regain the trust and respect of those that we have hurt. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or timeline for when that will happen - and it some cases the wounds may never heal if they were too deep. So the best you can do is work on your sobriety and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I get it.
For me, it's been a major impediment to getting to add the elusive "ed" to the word recover.
For 10 years my demon was Klonopin and booze. Benzodiazepines are notorious for something called anterograde amnesia. The easiest explanation I can stumble across is that instead of forgetting memories, the brain doesn't process information enough to even place the data in the proverbial memory bank.
I was the dude who would stumble home from work after ingesting my daily dose of 20 milligrams of Klonopin, grab a beer, roll a joint, sit and imbibe.
Then I would get up, look for my keys (an old trick was throwing the keys in the trash and setting the junk mail on the counter near the wastebasket) grab another beer, think about rolling another joint and then spend 30 minutes looking for where I had stashed the marijuana after rolling the first joint.
Information just wouldn't imprint on the brain.
So how am I to remember the things said, the commitments ignored (or forgotten), how do I even go about making a complete list of amends I owe?
A sad state of affairs. But what I can do today, and what I have done for the past three years, is try not to add more names to the list of amends owed.
For me, it's been a major impediment to getting to add the elusive "ed" to the word recover.
For 10 years my demon was Klonopin and booze. Benzodiazepines are notorious for something called anterograde amnesia. The easiest explanation I can stumble across is that instead of forgetting memories, the brain doesn't process information enough to even place the data in the proverbial memory bank.
I was the dude who would stumble home from work after ingesting my daily dose of 20 milligrams of Klonopin, grab a beer, roll a joint, sit and imbibe.
Then I would get up, look for my keys (an old trick was throwing the keys in the trash and setting the junk mail on the counter near the wastebasket) grab another beer, think about rolling another joint and then spend 30 minutes looking for where I had stashed the marijuana after rolling the first joint.
Information just wouldn't imprint on the brain.
So how am I to remember the things said, the commitments ignored (or forgotten), how do I even go about making a complete list of amends I owe?
A sad state of affairs. But what I can do today, and what I have done for the past three years, is try not to add more names to the list of amends owed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
What step are you working on now?
What does your sponsor and network say about this stuff?
What does your sponsor and network say about this stuff?
My sponsor/network pretty much says to just be concerned with myself and getting better. Trust in the Higher Power(God).
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
Thanks for the advice and support Scott and Memphis. It is greatly appreciated along with having a forum where people can discuss issues they are going thru.
Has anyone had any dealings with suggesting family/loved ones to Al-Anon? I read up on it a little yesterday.
Has anyone had any dealings with suggesting family/loved ones to Al-Anon? I read up on it a little yesterday.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
When I made my amends, I basically had 3 responses.
1. People who gave total forgiveness: With these great people I have rebuilt even stronger relationships.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward. Luckily only 2 people fell into this category and both were friends (as apposed to family, who all forgave me).
1. People who gave total forgiveness: With these great people I have rebuilt even stronger relationships.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward. Luckily only 2 people fell into this category and both were friends (as apposed to family, who all forgave me).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
I there. I had a lot of shame and guilt from interactions with family as well. Fortunately there are the steps in aa to guide the process of making amends and moving on in a positive way. Are you working the steps with a sponsor? Once I did that I started to notice the most changes in my dealings and relationships with other people.
I'm working with my mom right now on attending al anon meetings. They are very helpful for families that are affected by our disease. In my case, my parents have spent so much time worrying about my well being and why this whole addiction happened that now that I'm sober, they don't quite know what to do with themselves. I would strongly recommend it as they have their own program to work through.
I'm working with my mom right now on attending al anon meetings. They are very helpful for families that are affected by our disease. In my case, my parents have spent so much time worrying about my well being and why this whole addiction happened that now that I'm sober, they don't quite know what to do with themselves. I would strongly recommend it as they have their own program to work through.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
@Leana - I'm sure I'll have to deal with some #3's in the future. So, far I've been fortunate to not have to yet.
The lady I was talking about marrying is kinda between 2 and 3. She says she forgives me but can't move forward with me because of the things I said. I guess thats the one I'll have learn to deal with.
The lady I was talking about marrying is kinda between 2 and 3. She says she forgives me but can't move forward with me because of the things I said. I guess thats the one I'll have learn to deal with.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
@Inca - I guess the best thing for me to do about that situation is have talk with my sponsor about how much I need to deal with this since it is bothering me so much. I can't let a bad thing from the past effect my future.
I'm glad to hear your parents are doing the program. From what I researched yesterday it looked like a great program. Do you know of any good Al-Anon books that would be helpful to someone?
I'm glad to hear your parents are doing the program. From what I researched yesterday it looked like a great program. Do you know of any good Al-Anon books that would be helpful to someone?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
1. People who gave total forgiveness: With these great people I have rebuilt even stronger relationships.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome, MrClean,
You are not alone with trying to make amends with people you've hurt. I'm not an AA person, but making amends was definitely something I needed and wanted to do. What I found, unfortunately, is that it takes time and a lot of patience. And, we can't control whether or not others can forgive us. It would be great if we could, but it doesn't work that way. You are doing the right thing by continuing on your path. All you can do is show people, through your actions, that you are changing.
I found that journaling really helped with the guilt and shame I carried.
You are not alone with trying to make amends with people you've hurt. I'm not an AA person, but making amends was definitely something I needed and wanted to do. What I found, unfortunately, is that it takes time and a lot of patience. And, we can't control whether or not others can forgive us. It would be great if we could, but it doesn't work that way. You are doing the right thing by continuing on your path. All you can do is show people, through your actions, that you are changing.
I found that journaling really helped with the guilt and shame I carried.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Leana
When I made my amends, I basically had 3 responses.
1. People who gave total forgiveness: With these great people I have rebuilt even stronger relationships.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward. Luckily only 2 people fell into this category and both were friends (as apposed to family, who all forgave me).
1. People who gave total forgiveness: With these great people I have rebuilt even stronger relationships.
2. People unable to forgive: I said my goodbyes, there was nothing else I could do.
The hardest of all:
3. People who said they forgave but held deep resentment that was brought up during every fight, misunderstanding, or for no reason at all. With these people I made the difficult decision to say my goodbyes. I deeply regret my past but dredging up old issues all the time was too difficult for me to move forward. Luckily only 2 people fell into this category and both were friends (as apposed to family, who all forgave me).
Great description Leana. I'm still not to that point in steps yet, but I'm dealing with a relationship that feels a lot like #2 or 3. I have only asked that I hope someday she can forgive me (no response). But I've had a hard time understanding why someone would continue bothering to know me if they cannot forgive me, unless it's about punishment. It's tough to stand up for myself with such huge feelings of guilt for creating all of this trouble. I suspect this dynamic won't change until I change it by removing myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome mrclean. It's so good to have you with us.
Remorse, regret, guilt - they kept me from staying sober for years. When I joined SR I was told to work on letting the past go and focus on what lay ahead. It was very difficult for some people (my mother in particular) to understand what I had been through. Apparently, I was very mean & short tempered, though I don't remember any of it. (The normies just don't get it - even though they may try to understand.) In time everyone grew to trust me again, but it took awhile. I was very impatient for everything to return to normal, not fully recognizing what I'd put everyone through.
Congratulations on your 3 months. Please try not to let the past haunt you. I'm glad you shared your feelings here - it helps so much to not be alone anymore.
Remorse, regret, guilt - they kept me from staying sober for years. When I joined SR I was told to work on letting the past go and focus on what lay ahead. It was very difficult for some people (my mother in particular) to understand what I had been through. Apparently, I was very mean & short tempered, though I don't remember any of it. (The normies just don't get it - even though they may try to understand.) In time everyone grew to trust me again, but it took awhile. I was very impatient for everything to return to normal, not fully recognizing what I'd put everyone through.
Congratulations on your 3 months. Please try not to let the past haunt you. I'm glad you shared your feelings here - it helps so much to not be alone anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Welcome mrclean. It's so good to have you with us.
Remorse, regret, guilt - they kept me from staying sober for years. When I joined SR I was told to work on letting the past go and focus on what lay ahead. It was very difficult for some people (my mother in particular) to understand what I had been through. Apparently, I was very mean & short tempered, though I don't remember any of it. (The normies just don't get it - even though they may try to understand.) In time everyone grew to trust me again, but it took awhile. I was very impatient for everything to return to normal, not fully recognizing what I'd put everyone through.
Congratulations on your 3 months. Please try not to let the past haunt you. I'm glad you shared your feelings here - it helps so much to not be alone anymore.
Remorse, regret, guilt - they kept me from staying sober for years. When I joined SR I was told to work on letting the past go and focus on what lay ahead. It was very difficult for some people (my mother in particular) to understand what I had been through. Apparently, I was very mean & short tempered, though I don't remember any of it. (The normies just don't get it - even though they may try to understand.) In time everyone grew to trust me again, but it took awhile. I was very impatient for everything to return to normal, not fully recognizing what I'd put everyone through.
Congratulations on your 3 months. Please try not to let the past haunt you. I'm glad you shared your feelings here - it helps so much to not be alone anymore.
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