marie1973

Well, its safe to say I haven't made a real and genuine effort to be sober. I have drank on every single one of my nights off from work. Didn't do anything stupid really, just that my husband has wanted to be "festive" suddenly and thus I go down the road of "well a few drinks at home is ok"......ugh.
Out of the four days I was off I drank light on two of the nights, went to bed, no real hangover in the am. The other two nights we drank quite a bit and woke with a hangover and guilt. The guilt is my own personal issue because I know how I want to be, I want to be sober. I haven't been completely honest with my husband on sobriety. As I type this, I am realizing that I need to tell him how I feel and that I want to be sober, I can't do it alone, I need his support and accountability.
I'm working tonight, that will make night 1 sober......I'm just sad.

PurpleKnight

We worst thing to do is get down on yourself Marie, pick yourself up and go at it again with a new plan, telling your husband is a great idea for the reasons you mentioned, we've all slipped at times but not trying again would be a road to disaster!! . . . instead with the right support and accountability you can get there!!

KateL

Yes, just try, well done for making your decision. Hopefully your husband will understand and appreciate your honesty. Good luck xxx

malcolmsloan

Hi, Marie. I'm glad I read your thread, I relly relate on a few levels. I'm going to try and relate something I was told here when I first joined about a month ago: an important step in our recovery is when our desire to be-and maintain-sobriety becomes stronger than our desire to drink (I don't know if I phrased that exactly right). For me, this meant saying f-it, I'm going to do whatever it takes, not sleeping at first, fighting the cravings and what is called our "addict voice" trying to convince me to drink when I started feeling okay again, when I stood up and said to myslef, "Today, I begin my battle with this beast and I will win." One of the reasons I mention this is that I had to confront this, do this, with my wife. For years, I "said" many things, but what really had an impact was when I started showing my commitment. When she saw me figthing through the first few nights and so forth, she understood the seriousness of my conviction. She has even, when I have been struggling, said, "well, you're not going to drink tonight, I know that." In a nut shell, it has been my experience that the support of my spouse really blossomed as I showed, took action, dug my heels in, and acted.

You can do this, Marie, for sure. No question. If you truly want it and are ready to fight the good fight. I also recommend looking around SR at different recovery programs and stragegies. I'm not an AA person (just not for me right now, but I have NO aversion to it or those who use it), but there are so many options. The combination of AVRT and this site really has worked so far for me, but in the event this stops working, I will seek out another strategy. Finding something else besides my mind and willpower made all the difference for me.

I hope my response is not to much of a ramble or rant. There was something about your post that I related to. Perhaps it is the dynamic/concern about working through this with your husband. Best of luck. Post often: questions, concerns, rants, vents, whatever. Let us know how it's going. We are in this together.
-Malcolm

Toffee1

Hi Marie well as you said you haven't made a real and genuine effort to be sober. So the result is probably no surprise to you. I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be sober, I mean really want it. If the answer is yes then you need to get serious about it and get some plans in place. How about telling your husband that you don't want to drink anymore and that you need his help to achieve this.there are so many people on here who are happier than ever with sobriety. Nobody is saying it is easy but you can do it if you want it enough. I wish you all the best.

marie1973

Sober living is really what I want, in fact when I was pregnant and nursing our last two babies I was the happiest, healthiest, and clearest thinking because I was sober! I made it roughly two years sober, with maybe a glass of wine or drink on a few rare occasions and told myself I never wanted to go back to living with alcohol....but as time went on my old ways crept back and now the last two years I am worse than I ever was before kids. I use stress from family and work (I'm an Oncology nurse) as excuses to relax and drink...its wrong and I know it.
I am going to start by having a very honest conversation with my husband. He drinks on occasion but not a lot, he's a triathlete and the two don't mix if you want to be a performer which he is/does. I believe it will actually go over well and that he will be 100 percent support, its really been me holding back on talking because it makes it real and I know he will hold me to it....I'm not scared, I'm sad that I have disappointed him, our three girls, and myself.

PurpleKnight

The worst thing our minds want us to do is anything that would stop us from drinking! they'll tell us, "you don't need to say anything to your spouse/partner, you can do this on your own" or "you've had a rough day, why not relax and have a drink" . . . keeping things to yourself creates no accountability, whereas getting it out there, to us here on SR, to your husband will create a better foundation from where to start from.

I assure you we've all felt like we've let people down, god knows I've repeatedly let myself down, but forget about that, it's in the past, look forward and think of how proud your girls will be when they have a sober mom as they grow up!!

Toffee1

I am sure you are not a disappointment to anyone. I sense the only person who is disappointed with you is you. But you have proven beyond doubt that you can do this. Many people use stress as an excuse to drink so you are not alone there, but you recognise them as just that Excuses. I am sure you can work your way around this . Where there any things from your sobriety that you can use now? I wish you all the best and am really hoping that you can make yourself proud of you.

marie1973

Toffee1, my previous sobriety was based on pregnancies and nursing them after, the last two girls came rather close together so it evolved into a two year sober life, which I really do miss..
I am hard on myself, that's my nature and I really want to be the happy mommy/wife that I once was. Drinking has taken a toll on me aesthetically which although I am not particularly vain, I am a women who does try to look good. I use to surprise people who thought I was much younger than my stated age. I miss that too, if truth be told. Because now I can see the physical changes that age combined with abuse is doing to me, correction, What I am doing to me.