padawanxox

Hi friends -
I'm writing to you, on my 37th day clean from alcohol/drugs.

While my mentality began positive, and great... I'm slowly slipping. I got the advice to not get a sponsor/work steps until I had 30 days. So, here I am a week after and my positivity is diminishing.

This time of year has been rough for the passed 6 years. I lost my bf in a car accident, and his birthday follows Christmas. Every year since I've numbed myself out of it by any means necessary (Including the aid of a bad doctor, having me hooked on opiates for 3+ years) Then I picked up the bottle and used other drugs.

I get to meetings daily, but today I broke down in tears at my morning meeting today which was exactly what I did when I walked into a room for the first time. So much of what was said then made me aware of my addiction and really caused such a breakdown because I was hopeless, scared, and lost. And I did it again today, because that's how I feel again.

At first I went to local groups, but the drama I found in them between particular members became so obvious and so direct (Constantly back and forth between 3-5 individuals) that I couldn't continue to attend those meetings. It was suggested to me that I try different groups, and I have. I've replaced those 2 days with meetings suggested, and both were phenomenal.

I'm just feeling scared of FEELING. GRIEVING.
Pressure to have my stuff together, when this is always such a rough time.

My family consists of my mother and I (In state) and that's pretty tough on it's own on a day-to-day, but it's extremely hard during holidays. I'm usually alone and not clean.

I say this, to ask for guidance.
I've been told it was a great error to be told not to look for a sponsor, yet I feel that it's also nothing to LEAP into. I believe I've found a great prospect, and I want to pursue this. I want to LIVE CLEAN, not just BE clean.

I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness that I haven't felt since I was down in a hole drinking myself to blackout.

I want this bad enough to push through... But I need to know there is hope, that this happens, and that I can get through this.

I'd greatly appreciate any and all feedback.

God bless - Another day sober.
May everyone reading this stay strong <3

-Padawan

EndGameNYC

You're going through a difficult time. Happy you're here.

Yeah, I also didn't "leap into" getting a sponsor until I was through with about twelve years of heavy drinking, during which time I lost virtually everything that was dear to me in life.

It's never too soon to get the help we need.

mecanix

I don't have any wisdom about sponcers n'stuff .. but feeling scarred of feelings is something i think we all need to learn how to endure and deal with them at the begining , it's a bit of a mad ride , but it is worth pursuing and getting through without blotting them out with drink and drugs .

Feelings and moods don't last forever , they change and pass . It can be painful but it is worthwhile . Keep on

Bestwishes, m

Dee74

I think everyones scared of feeling and grieving - most of us spent years running away from those feelings.

Thats why the vast majority of us look for help

If feelings are overwhelming you particularly at this time of year I think it more important than ever to find support.

Continue to reach out here, and maybe in your meetings too?

There's no need to fight this alone

I hope you can find some peace this Christmas, padawan

D