guarding against relapse
 

I'm at 52 days, and thoughts about drinking are now slipping back in. (I apologize in advance for the long post...)

I must be on my guard against relapse!

When I was drinking, one of my favorite things to do was to go to a local sushi bar and relax with my kindle or a girlie magazine and drink three glasses of wine. Every part of doing that signaled relaxation and self care, and I would go home refreshed - whatever drama from the day replaced by the memory of good clean food, good wine, and light reading. Of course - this habit warped into a daily drinking fest where I would start off seeking that "relaxation" and "self care" feeling but would just wind up drunk trying to keep it. Somewhere in there my alcoholic switched flicked in the on position.

Well -Yesterday my 71 year old mom fell down the back steps and broke her arm. I took her to the emergency room and stayed with her the entire time - approximately 4 hours. My mother is....well...a "character" to say the least and being with her feels like work for me. When I am with her, I am constantly monitoring what I am saying in response to her moods, physical condition, balh blah blah, so it is a little draining. Add to this the ridiculous pain she was in, her lashing out, and it was a lot of me managing...

In the course of the hospital stay - I clearly got hungry, was thristy, felt drained, and all of those things. So I know this.

But SOOOO strong in my brain as I was helping my mother back into the house was this image of sitting at my cozy sushi bar, ordering a glass of wine, reading my new book, and decompressing after the wacko afternoon. I clicked into a mode that had me thinking I was going to do it, evening going through what I know the weekend specials are at the place I go, before I remembered : HEY, you don't drink anymore!

I'm afraid of relapsing. :( I feel like I've done a lot of hard work to get to 52 days, and a part of me is saying "been there - done that, SO WHAT - you stopped. SO WHAT."

Ugh.

I think it is normal to get a good amount of sober days under your belt and the little voice starts to tell you that you don't have a drinking problem. Ultimately you start planning a relapse in your mind but if you recognize that the little voice telling you it's ok to hit the bottle again is full of rubbish than you can plan to not relapse.

I have lost many many sobriety attempts by listening to that voice only to feel gutted the next day as I recognized my true self as person who can't handle his drink.

I think you will be fine, just keep your guard up against that voice and good luck to you.

'I quit drinking. Big deal. Now what?'

Now, anything you chose. You are free to be YOU.

Ultimately, it is your choice if you pour wine down your gullet. :)

Here are some fun facts about what alcohol does to your liver. And they call it a liver for a reason... you kinda need one to live.

Alcohol and the liver

anyistoomuch

Don't you fall for that alcoholic voice that is whispering in your ear. You are stronger than that! I know you are. And what would I do...your the only person on here who thinks I am amazing! What would I do without you!!! Stay strong.

When this happens I try and play the tape through in my head to realize what would happen if I take that drink. Most likely I would end up right back where I was before I quit.....miserable, anxious, wanting to die. Luckily I don't get the thoughts of wanting to drink too much anymore because of how bad my last relapse was. I wouldn't wish that pain and suffering on anybody and for that, I'm grateful that I still remember that memory.

I think it may be really important for you to discover a new self care ritual that leaves you feeling replenished & peaceful! What could that be? A bookstore, a coffee shop? Don't end up feeling "deprived" in sobriety. Nice work on your sobriety & helping you mom.

Yep. For starters, some action, new way to relax. You won't find a real solution to the other problem, you don't get to be normal again, you must stay diligent in reminding yourself that type of thinking about alcohol is a TRAP.

I would call what you are wrestling with sobriety vs recovery. You are sober but it does not sound like you are in recovery - which is learning to live a sober lifestyle. Things change when you stop drinking - I had to learn to do different things, different friends, reprogram my brain and this takes time and is difficult.

What is your plan?

Oh - Leana - I doubt I am the only member of the SR Leana fan club, ha ha ha! yeah - was definitely having new mom fantasies yesterday!...

(my poor mom...she does the best she can...and drives us all nuts in the process)

I will not drink. Hugs.

Thanks Inca - this is helpful. I TOTALLY DO NOT want to be that person who convinces themself to go back out to prove that they haven't hit bottom yet. To squeeze a few more drinking times in before they absolutely HAVE TO stop. I don't have that tape yet...and don't want to make one!

Okay, so you had a little fantasy about hanging out at your favorite sushi spot and decompressing. This does not equate to a relapse. We all have our ideas about alcohol, the daydreaming and what not. This is normal. You will need to find a new "decompressing" strategy and implement it into your routine. Replacing what you took away with a healthy activity will let your brain know that you are still "decompressing" just in a different way. You have a void in your life at the moment. So, a bath, walk, yoga, different place to eat, etc....

thanks for saying this. I've been thinking about this too...

honestly, I haven't had the occasion to do the self-care stuff because for the past 50 days I have been managing getting used to just being sober. I had to get through anxiety and all of those things, so I was literally day to day. Now that I have normalled out a bit, I am seeing what my REAL triggers are.

I have a friend who is addicted to pedicures...

I agree with this. I see know that this is the first time I have come up against a real desire to drink, because for the past 50 days I've been dealing with the things that happen when you stop drinking abruptly (anxiety, sleeplessness, depression...those sorts of things) and I had no desire to drink.

What this did do was give me greater insight into one of the reasons I started drinking so much to begin with. I have some work to do here...

Thansk Mizzuno - you are absolutely right. I will have to come up with some creative ways to do this. I am going to keep my eye out for a different place to eat - or I will find a sushi place that I can go to that doesn't have a liquor license!!!

I guess I was just thrown by how it so naturally slipped in. Also - people on these boards talk a lot about the fact that relapse actually happens before you actually pick up the drink. I am going to make sure that this scenario does not become part of a relapse.

For me drinking and drugs were the symptoms of a greater illness. Problem was I could not get better until I was sober. For me this was a mental, spiritual, and physical sickness. Sobriety took care of the physical but still left the mental and spiritual.

While I know its debated back and forth, for me AA and the 12 steps have proven to be my recovery with some therapy too. I have also read Rational Recovery and believe there is much merit to this program - I just did not choose this path at this moment in my recovery though.

I have found the recovery is much more difficult but with an open mind and sleeves rolled up I find the dividends are much greater. I can honestly say everything and I mean everything in my life is better now and I still have much work to do.

Good luck, keep posting and asking questions and BTW - congratulations on the 52 days!

Just my 2, but great on 50+ days! To me that says you don't have a problem with alcohol , currently. It also sounds like you vehemently don't want anymore either.
It may help to not see 'relapse' as inevitable. You really only need to change one small part of the sushi bar/kindle routine, you can, you said you don't want that small part anyway. If proximity makes you anxious , then certainly don't put yourself in that position , but at the same time don't convince yourself that that experience of good food and good reading is never again possible.

Right. If you were not actively engaged in your recovery then I could see how a relapse could happen. I think people relapse when they stop actively pursuing their recovery and they forget what got them into recovery in the first place. I do not think it happens by a little day dream. The first few months of sobriety are filled with thoughts about abstaining, thoughts about alcohol. This and that.....Monkey brain hopping all over the place. Sharing your fears and your strength and being honest is the best policy in my opinion. You are doing well. More thoughts will come, it is what you do with them that make the difference. You are doing well.

Hi Anyistoomuch. Thanks for posting this. I can so much relate to your story. I too had a favorite sushi bar where I would go to "decompress" and to "treat myself". I so much enjoyed those 2-3 glasses of wine... hated the fact I would then pick up a full bottle on my way back and then drink all of it before passing out.

I too have an extremely difficult mother. Spending any amount of time with her, even a brief conversation over the phone, lead me strait to the bottle. She was so toxic to me that I finally had to cut all ties. I have not talked to or seen her in over 3.5 years. Cutting ties was not easy and I am still healing from my wounds and the self-defeating feelings of guilt and resentment.

Congratulations to you on 50 days. I agree with the other posts regarding the technique of visualizing what most likely will happen if you decide to have that one "relaxing" drink. And, it is a decision. That is the good news here.

You are doing great! Just keep on keep'n on!!! :You_Rock_

Look, I think you're doing really well and seriously well done on tackling a potential relapse by sharing here. I wish I'd done that before I headed into another relapse a few weeks. If I'd taken 30 minutes to post here or talk to someone on the phone I could have avoided a whole lot of trouble.

As for sushi, I adore it and I used to live in Tokyo! Can I just make the observation that the Japanese never, ever drink it with wine? It doesn't complement the taste of raw fish at all - it's far too acidic and tastes vile with soy sauce. In sushi bars in Tokyo, it's common to drink it with hot green tea! That's a bit of an acquired taste I know, but it does complement the fish really nicely. My personal preference is to have sushi with a light, chilled brown tea called gen-man-cha. That way you really get to enjoy the texture of the fish, especially lovely things like salmon fish eggs, known as ikura. Have you tried them?

Oishi! (Delicious) as the Japanese say!