Eldy

I have a friend that I met about a month ago at a retreat at Hazelden. We have a lot in common. We both went to the retreat because we each had a slip recently. We decided to text or call each other daily to support each other. It seems like he ends up drinking every other day or so. I don't really know what to say to him anymore. How can I help him? I worry that his slips may effect my program. Any suggestions?

MIRecovery

Your sobriety comes first. If he is dragging you down with him you need to cut him loose. Read working with others in the big book.

Your friend will be the first of many if you are around AA for any length of time. You can be there when he is ready but until then there is nothing you can do. AA is for people that want it not need it.

I have had my heart broken too many times trying to fix someone who wants to.drink

least

There's really nothing you can do to help him stay sober other than just letting him know you support his efforts to stay sober. But don't let him drag you back into it.

Carlotta

Curious how the slips of someone you met a month ago affect your recovery.
My first time in recovery, my live in BF was a raging drunk who drank in front of me, was abusive and keeping booze in our place. I stayed sober, joined Al Anon and got rid of him.
Nowadays, my best friend is an active alcoholic. When he is on a binge, I stay away from him. His drinking makes me very sad sometimes but I am able to detach with love. My sobriety is not contingent upon someone else's recovery or lack of.
Also if your friend is "slipping" every other days, then he is in active addiction and just taking breaks in his drinking. Whether you chose to be friend with an active alcoholic or not is up to you but your main focus should be on your recovery. You ve known him a month, it's not like you have years of friendship between you. Like we say in AA:"They'll get you drunk before you get them sober".

Inca

It's hard to be in this situation but I'll echo what others have said. It's great to be there for people in need and support as you can. At a point though, your sobriety is the most important thing in your life and it needs to stay protected. Especially since it sounds like you're pretty new to sobriety, it can be easier to get dragged down with those who are not succeeding at the moment.

Picture the person who doesn't have a stable grounding and reaches out a hand to another person who is clinging to a cliff edge. What happens? They both fall

Ptcapote

I agree with what everyone else here is saying but I understand how hard it is when someone who you consider a friend goes back out. But there really is absolutely nothing you can do and, as cruel as it seems, you need to stay away if it's affecting (or potentially affecting) your sobriety. Completely away.

In AA they say "Stick with the winners" for a reason, I have learned. I was very cautious about making friends initially but when I got a good sponsor I trusted her lead and the group I hang around with now is comprised of people who have been sober for a good while or who are on pretty solid footing in their program. I don't think I could have lasted this long if not. Particularly if I had people relying on me in very early sobriety.

Sure, it's one day at a time and even those with dozens of years relapse but it's best to start with folks who have some decent time (and an understanding of the program) under their belts.

At least that's how it's been for me. Thank goodness.

Best of luck to you!

EndGameNYC

There's an older saying in AA about what happens between two people in the program -- one who stays sober and the other who drinks -- that applies here. He'll you get you drunk a lot faster than you'll get him sober.

LadyinBC

There really is nothing you can do. He has a choice. He can either choose to drink or choose not to drink. If he is determined to drink nothing you say or do is going to stop him. Sometimes we even need to detach ourselves from these people.

As others have said, remember, nothing or no one can be more important than YOUR sobriety. Yours always, always has to come first.

Dee74

If his relapse is affecting your programme Eldy, I think it's time to look at the relationship.

We can get really attached to causes early on - worrying about someone else is a lot easier in some ways than worry about ourselves.

but it's not your job to get this guy sober or keep him sober.That's his job.

If he wants support there's any number of avenues he can choose with people who are experienced and willing to help struggling newcomers.

All this may seem cold but it's really not. I've seen too many newcomers trying to save someone else and get pulled under - don't let it happen to you Eldy

D

IOAA2

In my early years in AA I wanted to drink more than I wanted to get sober. Fortunately I continued going to meetings once or twice a week and a message sunk in when I was ready, it was "KEEP COMING." When I was finally ready to surrender and stop drinking the goal was for my own benefit.
I was told many years ago "we can't get anyone sober or drunk and a successful 12 step call is when we leave sober"

BE WELL

cheebiechi

good morning Eldy,

if you are still up or just getting up, I would like to invite you to the 7am meeting this morning at the Sahara club in mpls......look it up and hope to see you there.

Matt

flutter

Does he have a sponsor he could contact instead? I'd direct him there (or direct him to get one!).

When I decided to recover, I really had to evaluate all of my relationships and cut out anything toxic to my wellbeing.

Uninvited

It's like a classmate here that keeps drinking. There's not a lot you can do about it except wish them well and let them know you are here to support them when they are ready.