Inca

Hi All-

I went to a meeting today and had an epiphany when a newcomer spoke. It was her first meeting and she shared that she drinks two bottles of wine a night and wants to cut down so she can safely drink at events such as weddings.

I saw her in myself as the person I was when I first came into aa five years ago. I didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't want to drink like I was drinking but didn't want to give it up completely. It took five more years of going out and creating destruction, becoming suicidal, several treatment attempts, and destroyed relationships before I realized that I was completely 100 percent powerless over alcohol. I wanted so badly for this newcomer to realize this but I know it's a process for everyone and each person has to come to the realization on their own. Addiction baffles me. Why we have to get so low before surrendering is just baffling.....

MythOfSisyphus

Great post, Inca. I think that's where most of us come into this picture, still leaving in the fantasy that we can put the toothpaste back in the tube and just drink "normally" again. If it worked that way there wouldn't be any need for AA.

GracieLou

I think because as human beings it is in our makeup.

If someone came to my home and tried to remove me, I would fight tooth and nail. I may not win, but you better be damn sure you are going to walk away with your own cuts and bruises. Even after I have lost I still want to fight, "I'll be back" comes to mind.

For me, it was the same with surrender. I wanted to fight it tooth and nail. I thought for 26 years that I was winning. I had all the battle scars but I was still there and ready and willing to fight again if need be. I was fighting a losing battle but I did not know that.

I simply had to stop fighting. Once I stopped, the war was over, but I had no idea at the time that was what it took.

Waving he white flag is not natural, at least it was not for me. Fighting felt natural or normal.

least

Sounds like me. I wanted to still drink, just didn't want any of the consequences.

Thepatman

Gracielou. That sums up how I see it too.

Maybe Alcoholics have superior fighting genes? LOL! I sure took a beating 20 years in that ring with the bottle. Always got up for another round.

Then one day, 13 days ago for me, I decided that it was time to go to the beach instead. ;-)

GracieLou

LOL, maybe.

I think it is instinct. We are born with the fight or flight response. Both are dangerous for the alcoholic. Either one we choose, we loose.

So, we had to find another way. One that does not come natural. I think that is why continuing to work the AA program, go to meetings and doing service work is so important to me. If I should waiver, my instincts will kick in and I am doomed to return to the fight or flight way of life.

I no longer fight or flee life. I get life on life's terms and that is how I must deal with it, one day at a time.

justinJustQuit

I didn't lose anything major. I held my baby boy 5 seconds after he was born and realized at that very moment, a fifth of rum seven days a week is undoable. I've been trying every since, and I'm hoping i am in my last day 1.