alphaomega

No good reason.

Just the AV arm wrestling me. Well, more like thumb wrestling because what the rotten SOB fails to understand, is that I'm winning this race. But it's putting up a hell of a fight tonight.

Feeling sorry for myself because I can't get drunk, plain and simple.

I'd like a little down time from the anxiety that has been ramping up over the last few days. And nothing in my bag of tricks is working. And I got a lot of tricks.

Send me some peaceful juju please. I just need a little break from all the work and soul searching I've been doing.

Thanks guys.

XO AO

KateL

Peaceful juju on it's way hang on in there x

NoJimmy

Sending good JuJu... I'm in a funk tonight too, but I want closeness I can't have, not drinking.

Ptcapote

We're on the same wavelength, sister. I haven't posted in awhile because I have been traveling and then incredibly busy at work but I have noticed that I am beginning to get anxiety again. Nothing at all like when I was drinking but just that general, crappy mood and then, "And why can't I have a drink ever, ever again?"

I know I can't. I just hit ten months sober on my birthday last weekend and I am not craving, per se, but likely just feeling sorry for myself and cranky. Maybe holiday and birthday blues too. Also diving into all my tricks but obviously need some outside support so I am hopping back on board here.

I am sending you tons of good juju...and I just came from the place where juju was invented

Thanks for posting...was trying to figure out how to express the same and you nailed it.

Love ya and hugs

Nonsensical

What sweet lie has your AV got you believing to make that happen?

Like the hawk,
You, too, are not a bit tamed!
You, too, are untranslatable!
Sound your barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world!

alphaomega

That it will make the anxiety go away for a bit.

Just a small reprieve is all I'm needing so I can find my footing and put my boxing gloves back on.

I'm hoping this cry I'm having right now is going help to release some of this shakey energy that is unsettling the living snot out of me.

Dee74

I hope you get a break over Christmas AO - balance is important - for everyone

D

alphaomega

Hang tight my SFAM. The solstice energy is reeking havoc on those of us that are sensitive to it. Are you in Bethlehem ?? Morocco ?? New Orleans ?? Haiti ?? Oh, do tell, my well heeled and well traveled friend who made me laugh so hard the tears were running down my leg when you shared your story of paying off the customs guys for the suitcase filled with boxes of wine...

freshstart57

I did enough feeling sorry for myself drinking alone for hours at a time. Nothing was sorrier than the state I was in back then while I was drinking. If my AV wants a wrestle, it can wait for me in the gym across the street, I will be right there right after I take care of a bunch of stuff. It could be a while. I get busy and then I get sidetracked and then I forget all about you, AV. You know how it is, AV, you must get that a lot.

This is where you leave, AV.

Mizzuno

Alpha.
Making it through this night will help you in the long run. If you run into this again, it may be much easier. I am sorry that you are struggling. I do understand. A good nights sleep has always done wonders for this type of situation. Grab some chocolate and hit the bed. Take us with you. I have been watching Doctor Who lately. Have you seen this show? It is amazing.

malcolmsloan

I hear you loud and clear, AlphaO-it is so much work, sobriety, that it feels like a 24/7 job to maintain it. And sometimes, we just want a break from the work, even if it's the good work. But that's the little crack for the AV to wiggle into. Good for you for seeing this. Hang in there. We are all in this together.

And, hey Nonesensical, dig the quote from uncle Walt! Lots of great lines in "Song of Myself"

bemyself

Dear Alpha and PT - I hope this doesn't come across like one of those Zen-koan style slaps, but maybe think about those like me who are feeling sorry for ourselves because we ARE drinking although we don't want to. Remember that feeling, eh?!!!

I'll do the suffering for you, until I can get back on the sober train.

But seriously though, like Dee said: try to go easy on yourself. It's the worst time of year (both solstice and Christmas / New Year). It's our summer solstice, your winter one, and I tend to agree that solstice times do have a type of wacky energy about them. And we can't change anything about it.

Non's 'barbaric yawp across the rooftops' is one that we can ALL relate to. Sort of like howling at the moon; can be quite cathartic. Bless you Non.

Suekie

I am feeling the same. This battle is getting intense.

alphaomega

Right ? It's like I was going along fine, able to fight and battle and win, night after day after night. Then, BAM - nothing works. Meditation, breathing, cookies, tea, exercise, bath, candles.

I just need a little breather. To turn down the growing pains and the stretching outside my comfort zones, and making amends, and playing nice, and finding my voice, and.....and .....and.....

Just a wee little break.

Harrumph.

Dee74

It would be great if recovery could play ball and just be a straight line...the more time we have the better we feel...but it's not like that...then again neither is life - we all have good days and bad days, alcoholic or not, we all feel stress and need a break from time to time.

I have responsibilities every day - sometimes I delegate - sometimes I need me time - whether it's exercise, or listening to music, watching TV, taking a walk, meditating...

It's not as immediate a break as alcohol but with a little practice it's even better.

I dunno what you have planned for the coming week, but any Alpha time you can grab? grab it

D

bemyself

Gulp - I VERY rarely disagree with Dee. But Alpha already spoke of doing all the 'me time' things including meditation, etc etc a couple of posts above. I think she was talking about one of those scary moments / hours when ....well, all that recovery 'work' including (ironically, doing those gentle and self soothing things) feels in itself just....not enough. Because we are alcoholics. As Alpha honestly said: it was more just that [awful] feeling / thought of simply wanting to drink. Worse, the wanting can wipe out all the 'work', all the 'solutions' we've put in place.

It's a terribly difficult place to be in, whether it lasts for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. But I believe that you, Alpha and the others who are staying sober DESPITE the wanting, will be rightly proud of yourselves for doing so. I certainly am, for you. Staying sober in the NOW of wanting is the penultimate goal for all of us.

Dee74

LOL Vic all I can share is what worked for me.
No offense if it looked like I was ignoring you AO - crossed posts.

For those times when all I wanted was a drink - I glued myself like a limpet to SR - viz:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2531003
D

bemyself

Don't want to derail the OP thread - but gee, Dee, I'd never seen your link above. Powerful stuff.

And yeah, cross posts are sometimes embarrassing cause I get the wrong end of the stick.

xx

Itchy

I feel wonderful because I no longer have to drink or face withdrawals!

I don't know about you, but my drinking, getting crazy would create mind numbing anxiety when I woke up wondering what happened and what I did! Then whatever anxiety I thought alcohol would take away would do a pile up on top of that too!

Noooooooooooooo!

And then after weeks or months I have to go through detox, and six months of PAWS all over again? Or drink myself to death?

No, sorry, I am not missing any of the baggage drinking come along with. I know you know that in your head, it's your feelings that are mixed up. I wish any of us could take away the urge for those still fighting it. But that does go away for those that are not just taking a break from drinking until they feel well enough to be sick and tired all the time again, and frightened for our lives. I hope you choose not to ever again too.

alphaomega

I am afraid.

I am eternally grateful for my sobriety, but tonight it just feels like I'm a prisoner in my own body and mind. It's been this way for a few days. And the anxiety that is just looming regardless of what I do. I can't put my finger on the reason other than I just want out for a few hours. Out of me. Like, a mini vacation from all of this.

Then I'd go right back at it tomorrow. All tanned and toned and rested.

It's a scary place for sure. Because it's just wanting to drink for drinks sake. Not stressed, tired, bored, hungry, angry or anything.

And to think if I did that, ALL the work I have done thus far is wiped out thanks to kindling.
So I don't have a choice.

And that's even scarier...