amandaw

AO- is this your first attempt at quitting? I haven't read your background.

I'm not a success story. Hell, I can't make it past 5 days, but I do know that getting away from it for a few hours usually ends up costing a lot more than those few hours. Even if nothing "bad" happens the first time, you may use that to justify a second, and third, and you know how that winds up. Or maybe you don't, but j do.

It sucks.

Keep your chin up. Someone will be here for you on SR. Just keep posting. You can push through this anxiety and wake up refreshed.

Dee74

I had the idea of a mini vacation one night. I didn't get back to sobriety for 2 and half years.

There are big things at stake here AO. Really big. Life changing big.

If this anxiety is a constant thing later, maybe you need to look at your life, maybe even get yourself checked out...

but drinking...it's not a solution. If it was you would have never needed to find SR.

D

alphaomega

I know Dee. I really do understand the ramifications of that type of thinking. i have fought and lost this battle Thousands of times over the years and it doesnt get better or easier.

I'm safe for tonight.

Thank you to everyone who carried me through this when I couldn't walk.

I owe you all one.

XO AO

EndGameNYC

Being trapped in your own body sounds like stress to me, and would also make me angry.

I read an abstract of a study a couple of years ago about Japanese workers (I think it was in the automotive industry, but don't know for sure) who had scheduled naps as part of their work day. There were special rooms they could use that were ergonomically designed to provided an optimum environment for rest and relaxation. I think the study involved a different kind of industry here in the States also scheduling naps during the work day and also in sleep-friendly environs.

The outcome variables were both formidable and unequivocal: Productivity, worker satisfaction, and improved quality control shot through the roof after introducing nap time for the American workers. Because this is America, I doubt many businesses took this seriously, and that's a shame.

I recalled this study while reading your comments. It would be great to have a place to just tune out that also didn't destroy us in the process, even nurture us a result of our participation.

Maybe the best I can give you right now is that all this will not go on forever, that both your feelings and your state of mind will pass, and that there are better days ahead.

After being back for twenty six months, when I look back at early sobriety, it seems like it was such a very long time ago. And, though I can still recall the pain and suffering, the tremendous relief, peace of mind and...enthusiasm for life that is now woven into my daily life more than compensates for the misery that was my entrance fee for a better life back in my early days.

If nothing else, you might take comfort in the knowledge that you've helped many people here with your tremendous words of encouragement and support.

Deckard

AO, you wrote an incredible post once about the terror of being trapped in an addiction. It really meant a lot to me.

You wrote: "Shocked and startled awake as I'm quite sure my CNS was borderline getting ready to shut down, I would receive a jolt of adrenaline so jarring I would literally feel like I had just been thrown in ice cold water. My heart would be pounding in my chest like it was begging for something to just settle it down. The thirst was inexplicable. The anxiety. The anxiety brought me to tears more than I care to remember. It's the anxiety that was the final tipping point back to sobriety. I simply could no longer live like that anymore."

It seems to me like the sober life you are now living IS ITSELF the vacation, the break you are wanting... from what came before...

Dee74

I rarely talk about this, but this struck me.

As many know I have cerebral palsy.

Often my body simply will not do I want it to...somedays I find even talking, simply being understood, can be an effort.

Some weeks I can't leave the house.

There's a lot of rage and frustration that comes with that - rage and frustration and despair that led me to drink for a lot of years.

But I've learned to be grateful for what I have - I'm alive, I'm not terminally ill, I'm independent in all the ways that count.

I have a wife who loves me, friends who care for me, and a meaningful job to do each day.

The same things that drove me mad now bring me peace.
They didn't change but I did.

It may not be what you want to hear right now AO - but consider making a gratitude list.

It just might help

Dee74

and sometimes it makes me hit the send button three times LOL

D

Itchy

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Dr. Wayne Dyer

Labatty

I've been reading the forums for almost a year. I signed up about two months ago, I haven't said much, I've always been apprehensive about being out there on the internet. I come here several times a day, I hope that doesn't sound creepy, but I have to say coming here has made me have a great deal of respect for you & what you have accomplished & maybe I can do it too. Thanks

Itchy

Labatty

ZeldaFan

Hey AO. I've not been as active on here over the past week or so but I wanted to let you know I'm sending you good vibes (and juju) tonight for things to get easier.

Dee74

welcome aboard labatty

D

Ptcapote

Good morning, AO...just checking in and enjoying reading all the responses on this thread. Especially yours, Dee. You can really bring home the perspective when needed. Thank you for that.

Last night I just went to bed. I have discovered over these long months that this is often the simplest (and most boring) but best thing to do. Not just when faced with cravings or anxiety, but in a lot of circumstances. I feel much better this morning.

Here's what I am realizing as I get a little further down the road of recovery: it gets much, much easier to just go to bed these days. And it gets much, much more likely that my crappy moods will pass quickly. It's sort of amazing what your body will do for itself---like regulating your moods properly---when not all jacked up on chemicals. Sometimes the moods last longer than a day or two, but they almost always pass much more quickly now that I am sober. I find "middle ground" so much easier now. And that's a gift for someone who has spent many years having no idea what middle ground is...

What everyone says is basically true: the longer sober time you have under your belt, the easier it is to just treat a bad mood as a bad mood or a sh!tty day as a sh!tty day instead of an existential crisis.

Me? I still like a good existential crisis every now and then but it's good knowing that my own body can now regulate when it's time for those to be over too.

Thanks again AO and everyone else for this thread.

jaynie04

Hey AO, just checking in. (my laptop is not working, probably good as I seem to be growing in the lap department from too many hours online…). Hope you are doing better this am.

If I can offer this..every time I have had one of those challenging times, even though it s###ks getting through it, every single time I come out stronger. I don' think our AV has too many fight to the death struggle opportunities. I think it is like right before a fever breaks, it gets really bad, and then it is over. It's just that it is hard to see when we are in it. Sending you good vibes from CT…thought of you last night, I Love Lucy had a Christmas special. My daughter whined, "Mom, why do we have to watch old fashioned tv"…..

alphaomega

Dee, I honestly don't know where you channel your words of wisdom from, but they have literally stopped my breath many times. I did not know that you have CP. And as if I didn't respect and honor those always life altering words of yours already enough, you continue to inspire and motivate me personally daily. I am grateful for you.

I'm a blessing counter for sure. I suppose like PT said, some days, even without provocation, will just be ploopy. That is the nature of addiction. And last night my AV decided to try the "baby brat" mode because the snarling ex con wasn't getting his way.

It's all the same AV. A wolf in sheeps clothing regardless of what it dons. I bet his next outfit will be some "gay apparel"...

This place is singlehandedly what kept me sober last night. Needless to say, I'm beyond grateful for that this morning...

I raise my coffee mug to you my cohorts.

Lets do this.

dwtbd

Ao sorry to hear the bad times of late, so glad and hopeful today will be a better day.
This thread and ones like it make me think.about what goes on my head.
Longing for a.break is an emotion I understand. But with my new found commitment to sobriety I've changed some. I am more consciously introspective, which I think is really the key. Part of the change has been I now get I can't bs myself anymore.
I know intellectually that even a small reprieve from abstaining would not be attaining an enjoyable break, I know it would be a start of disaster. Having that conscious thought will/does work to rewire my subconscious thought patterns, specifically the one or ones that equate drinking with any sense of relaxment. I don't think it is automatic but in time this rewiring "sticks", until then though these thoughts are AV fodder and ammo. Just my two cents thx for your posts and their honesty , they force even more introspection in my part and that helps me with finding all the "loose" connections still jangling around.

Mizzuno

AO,
I am so proud of you. I am also very proud of the amazing people that I get to talk with on this forum. My deepest gratitude to you all.

These moments that we all have been through really do make it all worthwhile. Sometimes we just got to let it all out, cry, scream into a pillow, lay on the floor and eat chocolate while crying....... Seriously, being human is really hard work. Emotions can really do a number on us. I have been there, and will be there again. Thank you for speaking your truth last night AO. I am so happy that you feel better. Happy Solstice!

alphaomega

Love this. Mizz.

Being human. Emotions. It IS really hard work. Really hard. Like in the trenches and on the front line hard. I'm so tired from battling that so and so last night, I might just curl up in a ball, grab my blankey, and give a big old F.U. To the hustle and bustle and commercialism and pomp and circumstance and rigamaro today.

I just aint got it in me to fight any of that today.

Ill surrender and let it be what it is.

Peace.

Mizzuno

YA, give a big F.U. to the commercialism. Curl up in a blanket and hang out on here, or wherever is comforting. No fighting, just breathing, a human that is being, not doing! I like it!

dwtbd

AO
Today sounds like a.good day to try some of the best mind altering medicine,fiction!