happyperson

Ok, this might sound a little odd, but I was wondering what your thoughts are on it.

For a while, I had a thought that kept me to want to keep drinking. The thought was "I should be able to drink and function normally". The reasoning I had was that I was too weak and that other people would be able to function normally in my position. So the thought challenged me to drink so that I could get to that place as well.

I said it was going to sound odd... But this is a place where any issue regarding addiction should be ok to be addressed.

Even now, on my first official sober day, it keeps bugging me. Is it true that other people function normally when they're heavy drinkers? Or are they just like me? Broke, in bed all day, poor hygiene, withdrawn, etc.?

It seems to me that other people always seem to be able to handle it much better than I do.

What were your lives like when you were drinking?

Fortunately it won't drive me to drink again. But I still have this nagging feeling of needing to know what it's actually like for other people.

doggonecarl

And you'll probably have those thoughts again. It's part of the insanity of alcohol and alcoholism, that contrary to all the evidence we hold strongly to the belief that we can be normal drinkers.

Questioning whether or not I had a problem and thinking that even if I did I could "control" it kept me drinking and kept me enmeshed in my problems.

With some sober time under my belt and able to look at my drinking objectively, I wasn't a normal drinker, never was, never would be. And comparing the extent of my problem to another person's was just a way for me to talk myself out of sobriety.

PurpleKnight

From the outside during weekdays my life looked like there was no problem, I went to work, came home, drank, fell into bed blacked out, woke up with a hangover and repeat, at weekends and nights out though things were worse, ever increasing volumes of alcohol taking days to recover from, until the realisation it couldn't continue.

In my opinion there is no justification for "I should" be able to do something, every human being is a living organism, we feel different thinks, think in different ways and react to toxins differently, therefore there is no operating manual that will fit every person.

Dee74

I'd wager everyone here has had those thoughts.

The truth is it doesn't matter what other people do say or drink - my drinking was killing me.

However strong, disciplined and capable I am (and I am all those things) I am also addicted, and addiction is no respecter of my admirable qualities.

to win, I had to stop fighting the war of control.

D

Imabuleva

All I know is the cards are stacked against me, so the best bet for me is to stop playing the game.

firstymer

I am only 4 months sober. I drank about 6-10 drinks per night, 5 or 6 nights per week - almost always after work. I did this for 25 years. So, I think I qualify as a heavy drinker. I went to work every day, in varying degrees of being hung over, plodded through what I had to do, and managed to climb the ladder, earn a good living and raise a family. From the outside, I think people thought I was doing pretty well. But virtually everything was made worse because of my drinking. My marriage eventually crumbled. I was consumed with guilt and anxiety. I was inefficient at work.

The successes I achieved while drinking were in [U]spite[U] of my alcoholism. It saddens me to think of how much happier I would have been, how much more successful I could have been, had I quit sooner.

It seems to me like the thing that distinguishes us from the social drinkers is that alcohol make our lives worse because we aren't able to drink it in moderation. It's that simple. It makes our lives worse at different rates maybe. And perhaps to different degrees. But it makes our lives worse. And for me, that's all that matters. I want my life to be better. And if I keep drinking, I know it will be worse.

Good luck on your sober journey. You are doing the right thing. I am glad you are here with us.

alphaomega

This. Is. Awesome.

KateL

I functioned for about ten years, going to work (with morning hangover) looking ok and few suspected. I knew I had a problem but thought I was doing ok. The following ten years I felt worse the next day, started hair of the dog and there began the real decline. Couldn't work, always ill or drunk, couldn't get up, couldn't look after my children, alienatated everyone, almost lost my children to the authorities, attempted suicide three times, admitted to psychiatric unit three times, almost died the third time, my daughter begged me to stop drinking, so I did.

happyperson

Wow KateL, that is some heavy stuff. Your signature shows that you have a good attitude about it though. I need to remember that one.

Anna

One thing I realized when I finally stopped drinking is that everyone struggles with something. No one's life is perfect, even though there are people who would have you believe that. But, we all struggle with something. Understanding that helped me to begin to accept and forgive myself.

Inca

Well, I was able to function somewhat normally when I was drinking at first, but the anxiety was always there and the alcoholic thinking was always in full force (blaming others, being uncooperative, dodging authority, etc). It wasn't long though before I wasn't functioning normally at all. I thought I was, but looking back at it I was a mess and everyone knew it, although I thought I was hiding it well. At the end I was completely aware that my life was a mess and completely aware that others saw it too. It was awful.

Moral of the story is that even if it appears that others are functioning, it doesn't last long and keeps getting worse.

Ruby2

At my AA meeting this morning one of the guys shared that he once asked his counselor in treatment why he couldn't be a functional alcoholic and the counselor told him that it was because there was no such thing as a functional alcohol/heroin addict. It was funnier when he said it but it led to my share which was that "functional" and alcoholic don't belong in the same sentence really. I thought I was functional. I drank two bottles of wine or more for years. Went to work most days. Started a family. Bought a house. Own my car. But it all started unravelling at the end. Always horrific red wine hangovers leading to anxiety so bad I could barely walk. I took what was called a lateral transfer at work but was a demotion related to status in my job because I was messing up. I started coming home at lunch and drinking. Floated in and out of paying attention to my two children. Finances a wreck. projects started but not finished. made excuses to not meet up with people because i wanted to drink at home. Didn't get fired. Didn't lose kids, house or car. Never arrested but was all that really functional? Not ever. Am I sober now? Yes, thankfully. I am still a little nutty but who isn't. I'm a work in progress.

Ruby2

Now I remember why the functional alcoholic comment made us laugh at my meeting. it was because the guy wanted to be like a functioning alcoholic and was envious of functional alcoholics.

EndGameNYC

All the "external" things we acquire in life -- success in jobs and careers, money, status, notoriety, awards, acclaim -- seem much more important when we don't have them than when we do.

The peace of mind, internal alignment with the "universe," and our contribution to alleviating the suffering of other people that are available in sobriety are simply not possible when we're drinking.

amandaw

Thanks Endgame. I find your message to be inspirational.

Tang

I'm saving this quote, amazing.

happyperson

This thread makes me feel less like an exception. And it's beginning to dawn on me that the times that I thought I was hiding it well it was obvious to others still...

I'm glad that's over. It's so much peace and freedom. And EndGame's quote made something "click" for me. Like "Of course! That's so true!". It's become a wonderful motivator for me to stay sober.

happyperson

Quoting this again just because it's worth repeating.

Notmyrealname

After a decade or two of trial and error, I've come to a hypothesis that I'm pretty settled on:

Even if I were the only person on Earth for whom drinking was generally a huge problem and consistently a bad idea, it wouldn't make it any less of a bad idea for me to drink.

I know my situation. Drinking inevitably leads someplace bad. I don't know other people's situations, and people often give you the public image anyway, making it difficult to know their reality -- and this goes doubly so for "functional" drunks -- so I try not to judge myself against what other people might or might not be doing.

I just know that alcohol-related bad things was a consistent theme in my life for a lot of years, and since I quit drinking, it's not. That's enough for me.