CafeRoma

Yesterday gave me 72 days sober. I'm happy about that. No, I’m ******* ecstatic about that! But these past few days have been a struggle, anxiety is creeping all over, up, around my bones... Been missing going out. Not so much getting drunk, just going out to a bar and sipping some drink and being social and looking at people. Haven't gone out at all for a long time, as I feel like the temptation lurking in those situations is too grand still. Lately my head has been back and forth between "**** it, for this xmas party maybe I’ll just have some drinks" or "maybe for new year’s I’ll allow myself to drink" and so on.... A part of me wants to, but then another part of me knows I will feel disappointed in myself if I were to drink. If I can hold out for just a little longer maybe it'll get easier... But then the thought of "never drinking again" catches up with me and I freak out. Then again, I remember how bad I felt, constant hangover and anxiety, and I also remember that I didn't really enjoy drinking once I passed say the third drink or so, but of course I never stopped there, never could... My mind is back and forth, back and forth, up and down, left and right, and crawling, crawling, crawling...... Should I, should I not, could I, could I not... Tomorrow I'm going to a concert. My friend invited me, it's this artist we both like. And even with this I've been back and forth, back and forth, up and down… One part of me wants to go, but another part wonders if it's too soon, typical situation where I would definitely drink, can I manage without? I decided "**** it, let's do this ****". It will be my first event like that, with no drink (if I can manage, that is). It will be practice. It will be ******* hard. But **** IT, LET'S DO THIS ****>!!!

Nonsensical

My AV was a poor risk manager.

"You mean there's a chance this won't end in disaster? Let's do this!"

Nice articulation of the internal debate.

CafeRoma

"You mean there's a chance this won't end in disaster? Let's do this!"
hahahaha, I ******* love that! that's gonna be my new mantra :-) thanks!

Climber122

Do you think you are an alcoholic? If so, then I would say you are on a slippery slope that I can relate to - I can recall sitting out front of the liquor store in my car, debating for a HOUR with myself as to whether or not to go in. And I always did go in, hating myself as I paid for the bottle. Funny - I never did that with fast food, or shopping, or anything else - just booze. Have you sought ought any help or fellow recovering alcoholics in person? You're using the help on this site which is great! Who else can you seek out to hold you accountable in the offline world?

CafeRoma

yea I do, or "trouble drinker" at the very least... I've been to a couple of meetings, one to AA, and one to another one. I wasn't into either one.
This is the first time that I've articulated my struggle to my friends and family, however. All the other times I've tried being sober "in secret". That in itself was also months of back and forth, back and forth, up and down, the decision to tell people about it. I think most of them (if not all) already knew.
What works for you? What offline help do you seek out?

doggonecarl

First off, congrats on 72 days.

I don't know the particulars of your drinking, CafeRoma, but I have a feeling it's been years since you simply sat at a bar and sipped a drink? Am I wrong? Those are the fond memories of our "normal" drinking days. Old memories probably.

If you are like me, that bus has left the station.

Seventy two days, while wonderful, is still early recovery. It's normal to be anxious, fatigued about the whole recovery thing. But you will soon be reaping the rewards for staying sober and resisting temptation.

Climber122

AA works for me - but not the first time. The first time around I was always looking for how I was different than "all those AA people." Now, after a lot of work with my sponsor, going to meetings, and following the suggestions made by the big book, I see how I am so similar to all the rest of us. The human contact with people who know what you are going through is huge in early sobriety. Your emotions will be like a plucked rubber band for quite a while - just know that and give it a shot anyway. It might help calm your mind.

Dee74

Hi CafeRoma - welcome

My mind used to be like that too - regular exposure to SR has helped to calm it down

Hope to see you around some more - post and read as much as you like...get to know some folks - maybe join a monthly thread?

D