Mikie9

So i have been thinking lately about why I have been catching a buzz. It has been a few weeks now and ugh, I won't say it has been easy. The difficulty hasn't come from saying no, it has come from filling the time, and dealing with things without running away into my mind.

For me it has always been an escape. An escape from what I don't know. Sure I have some personal baggage, some issues. Who doesn't? But hiding from them isn't a solution, it is just easier. Now that I am gaining some clarity and seeing things for what they are, I want to drink. Not because I would be better off with a buzz, but I always found it a way to detach and "think" about things. How messed up is that? Catch a buzz, so you can think about things?? lulz

I still have much change to go through, and I am looking forward to it. It isn't easy, but my life of getting drunk and relating to people in that frame of mine wasn't easy either. So for me, if things are going to be difficult at least I can think through them with a clear mind, and not take the easy way out and fill my head with fantasy thoughts while getting a "good" feeling from alcohol, while never accomplishing a thing.

I have a long way to go to forget that there is an easy way out, there isn't. Time, and seeking a replacement for the drinking time is all there is. To get back to "normal", that is the only way out of this.

freshstart57

There is much wisdom in your post, Mikie, except maybe you don't see it yet.

It's not messed up at all, I find I still like to 'detach and think', and folks have been learning to do this for thousands of years. Literally. So I take this to mean that this need is common, if not universal.

I found that 'mindfulness practice' fits the bill in that it allows me to detach and think. It tones down that roar of monkey chatter inside so that my own natural abilities can be brought to bear. In this way, I think it is better than alcohol for this because of all the side effects that alcohol has. Sitting and observing your breath is kinda like taking a short vacation to me, refreshing and invigorating, where booze just made me miserable and groggy.

So, I suggest you look into this mindfulness practice stuff, lots of varieties and flavors of this to be found on the web. Even if I am not able to maintain my focus and get distracted, it still works through the mental effort of accepting that distraction for what it is, and then returning my focus back to breath. So after just a few 5 minute sessions, you can see how it can work for you.

Good luck.

Mikie9

The detachment part for me was filling the feel good sensors in my brain, while I was thinking about negative things if that makes sense. It is why I always went back to a buzz to "think" about things. It is easier to face negative things when your brain is getting a signal that it's ok, than it is when your brain isn't getting the signal that all is well. The easy way out for me. I am still searching for ways to fill that void completly, or I should say, as easily as alcohol.

I can meditate all day long, but only time spent with meaningful use of my time will fill that void that alcohol so easily did for me.

malcolmsloan

Geeze, Mikie, I think our posts are similar in many ways. Good stuff. Reminds me a lot of "stopping the war" inside our minds. Good to hear from you.

KateL

Great post, Mikie

hokey

Hey Mikie, great to hear from you (and thanks for the clarification in your subject line from those of us with painfully slow internet )

This line really rings true to me "I have a long way to go to forget that there is an easy way out, there isn't." I feel like I'm kind of going through the motions of staying sober and sometimes it just feels like it would be easier to just give in. Maybe I don't have a good "plan" and maybe I'm not serious about AA (not really up to beating myself senseless .. that's how the steps make me feel) and maybe my AV is the one doing the typing right now. I don't know ... I just don't. I post chipper, dipper s*** in the hope that I will feel better or make someone else feel better ... and it works, for a little while. I'm trying really hard to stay strong, but sometimes that "easy way" is awfully appealing.

bigsombrero

Good post buddy. Keep working on yourself, keep pondering and growing into your new self. You will notice lots of thoughts like these, as you move forward into this. A huge scary part of becoming sober is figuring our who you really are underneath all that mess. A lot of folks can't bear to do the work and go back to the bottle. Encouraged to see that you are interested in exploring some new philosophies and thoughts!

beancounter26

Hi Hokey,

Your post rang a bell with me because the first time I really tried to get sober I failed. I believe it was because I was just going through the motions of being sober, too. I thought that if I didn't drink I was sober, but after about 11 days of that, I was picking up right where I left off; making up for lost time even. This time ( which is now 46 days) I realized that in order to be sober I had to be mentally sober and physically sober - not just going through the moves. I made it a point to keep being honest with myself that there was never going to be one drink for me; it was always a couple of bottles and blackout and sickness the whole next day - always. One drink would make me ravenous for more. So for me it is either healthy and happy or drunk and sick. Mentally, I was constantly aware of how great it was to go to bed at night and actually sleep and have dreams and wake up clear and ready for the day; not wake up wondering how I got to bed and wondering how I was going to get dressed, let alone function for the day. It is a constant awareness of just how great life is without drinking and how you never want to trade that for being sick again. I am still very early in recovery, but this way of thinking has made it possible for me to not suffer through my days without my old friend Chardonnay. Hope this helps a bit.

hokey

Sorry Mikie, I tried to edit my last post because I REALLY AM happy to see you posting again and that negativity that I spewed was unnecessary, but I waited too long to edit. It was a great post and made so much sense to me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

Whiterhino24

I am early in my recovery and I know if I stay busy I feel better about myself. The only time I really think about drinking is when I go to an AA meeting or I am sitting around with family and they want to know how my recovery is going and what I am doing to keep it up or how I am feeling. Out side sources will never stop but thats what makes me think about drinking. I have lots of pain from what I have done but I think its good for me to feel it now when before I would mask it with alcohol because it reminds me of where I was and what I did and why I am where I am at in life.