mayhan

I haven't been on this site since September as my husband saw a notification on my phone and half joking and half serious asked my about it, I couldn't bring myself to tell him so I laughed it off .....Fast forward to December it has being a rollercoster few months between good weeks and desperately bad weeks. I actually don't know where to start about three weeks ago my husband got a job aboard, we received texts and calls every day telling my two boys and myself how wonderful it was and that he could wait for us to come out for Christmas and New Year. Everyday we would listen with huge excitment to his adventures. Every penny we had we spend in getting him there. The boys told anyone that listened about this huge adventure, our bags are packed two weeks.

Then yesterday out of the blue he called to say he is coming home....the fallout in my house has being one of uttered devastation. The boys now have to go to into school and tell their friends that they are not going. What I am really getting to is I have really cut back my drinking since my husband left & started back at the gym even when i was working 13 hours a day.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine, this morning I am disgusted with myself, exhausted and have no energy. My husband is a drinker and it took the recent separation to realise that. for the first time is nearly 25 years I am not looking forward to going back to a life of a bottle of wine every night with dinner along with a few cans of beers while watch brain dead tv.

Sorry this post is so long but my head is all over the place and really don't know which way to turn. One thing for certain I dont want to drink. the doctor gave me medication to stop drinking which I have since Feb but am absolute terrified to take them as they have severe side effects. I just can't understand how I got myself to this point

Kimura

Do you think your husband has a worse drinking problem than you?

mayhan

No but I certainly realise now that we encourage each other, he would smoke weed which I don't and I absolutely hate the stuff. He would never do it in front of the kids but i would be more the person that once I have one glass I can't stop until there is nothing left in the house where he would be more controlled.

Kimura

Yeah I've finished everything I have and will have no way of getting more till Friday . I'm sure you want to quit also

KyrieEleison

I drink like this. Two bottles of wine, and if there is more, I'll drink that too once I start.

I learned I cannot drink at all.

I would drink to change the way I felt, and then make myself sick from drinking too much. It's nuts.

Yet I lived this way for many years.

Today I didn't need to drink.

Thank God, over time, I have been relieved of the obsession to drink.

I believe the program of AA, has helped me to change the most.

If you honestly want to change and are willing to make the effort...get yourself a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read it. Do what it says as you come upon the directions contained within the book.

Seek out women in recovery near you. There are many.

You never have to feel this way again.

Old ideas failed us. The best way to predict your future is to create it.

How do you wish for it to be? I'm sure you would wish for health, happiness, and not to drink too much.

PM me anytime if you need direction.

mayhan

Thank you for your replies I need to get myself stronger but I found that I didn't want the bottle of wine when I was on my own. I know I drink when I'm under pressure I can point out all my triggers in a flash but still if that bottle is there I have to open it. There is no pleasure in my drinking and I'm always the one that ends up in a heap.

ReadyAtLast

In your op you say you really cut back on your drinking when your husband moved away. For people with a problem drinking will usually always creep back to previous levels when we try and 'cut back'.There will always be a function/reason why we suddenly pick up lots again and drink to previous levels and more.

I know the only way for me was to stop completely.You don't have to drink just because your husband does or go back to old drinking habits. This is not out of your hands- you don't have to drink with your husband. I quit even though my husband still drinks - it's not easy but it can be done. Your boys need you sober. I'm a mum too so do understand. If you really want to quit please get all the support you can.SR is great

Dee74

Right now it seems like your recovery is very much entwined with your husband and his drinking.

Thats not really a healthy thing

Maybe a solution is for you to find more sober support mayhan?

D

mayhan

I get hugely annoyed with myself that I don't have the self discipline when there is drink around to say no and more especially when my husband brings it into the household. I am now more determined that ever to avoid my triggers and get better help.

IOAA2

Hi. During my drinking years TOO many things were my triggers. After I finally was able to stop I found out my main one was feelings which covers so many emotions I didn't/couldn't deal with. The big gee was the many facets of fear/anxiety and depression which was made worse by drinking. Recovery for me has been a long haul with a lot of work involved which I would not change as sobriety has brought me a lot of friends and a comfortable feeling for the most part.

BE WELL

KateL

It's a good idea to seek help and here certainly helps too. I would just tell him straight that you don't want drinking and weed smoking in the house.

malcolmsloan

Hey, Mayhan, my wife and I have a drinking problem that is very entwined, so I understand this part of the issue. As all relationships are so different, I won't try to relate on specifics, and our problems are still very much being worked on, I just want to share that the wheels of change, for use, did not even begin to turn until I focused 100% on my sobriety. Yes, I love my wife, support her, want to help her and the relationship, but as paradoxical as it sounds, I kind of had to let all that go and get my ass sober and work on maintianing sobriety. This I can control, and I can see the impact it is having on us and the kids. Good luck! You can do it.

somehope

My husband doesn't really drink and he doesn't understand what I'm dealing with. When we occasionally go out, he drinks and it's a struggle but I don't. If he goes out with friends and comes back smelling of a pint, I struggle. But I don't want him to quit on my account because he doesn't have a problem.

We've had another talk about it tonight and came to the conclusion that instead of focusing on me not drinking, we're both going to focus on getting healthier and feeling better. All I can say is be honest with your husband about why you want to stop drinking and ask him to support your decision. Just tell him how much better you've felt since cutting back and you want to keep it that way. I wish you the best of luck!!

girlsearching

I am on day 21 and my husband still drinks. I am tolerating it so far, I'm not tempted to drink with him. But here is the deal, the more he drinks and gets clumsy, repeating the same crap over and over and just drunk in general, I don't know how long I can live like this. Do you feel this way. I hate to be a hypocrite because I was probably very similar. But now with being sober, it's just getting hard to take. Any suggestions?

somehope

21 days is amazing!!

My husband doesn't normally drink at home but I don't care if he drinks when we're out. What keeps throwing me back is that his friends come over once a week with loads of booze for our games night. My husband came back all proud with a bottle of rum for him the first time. I'm just thinking "How does he not get this?!" It's one thing to drink while out but keeping alcohol in our house this early in my sobriety? He only has a drink or two when he drinks so I knew most that bottle would be there at the end of the night.

I didn't drink that night but I asked him if at the end of the night if he could take the leftover booze to his parents' down the road (most of it was his friends' so I didn't want to pour it out). Instead, he hid it in our house. Like I don't know where all the good hiding spots are for bottles! He even started cooking with the rum, making our kitchen reek of booze for a week.

The 4th time I finally gave in and drank. I ended up drinking everything everyone left behind. And then half the wine stock in our corner store. Now I'm right back where I started 4 months ago. My husband is finally starting to get it after we had a long, honest talk about it. He just really doesn't understand but he's going to try.

I don't want to deter from the OP's post so I'll just say this: all you ladies in this position should be honest and clear about why you don't want to drink and ask him to help support you. Marriage is compromise. He doesn't have to change his life drastically, but for you and your family to get through this delicate time, things will have to be different for awhile.

I have friends who have been sober for months and years who have no problem being around alcohol, but have told me in the early days having it in the house or being around drunks was lethal.

ReadyAtLast

I sympathize. Whilst my husband drinks it's more 2-3 glasses of wine with dinner and he's never drunk nor does his behaviour change. Occasionally,he'll have more but it's rare and doesn't bother me as it doesn't affect his behaviour or mood which for me was the key problem.

Getting sober really has changed our relationship though. I had no idea how much it would change things and assuming this is the same for everyone.

jdooner

I found it was easier to project in early sobriety. I used my wife as my rationale and spent a lot of energy worrying about what she did or was going to do. We had become daily drinkers. Both sat on the couch and watched mind numbing shows and drank till we would pass out. That was our daily hell. When I had had enough this August, I quit to set an example for her. In retrospect I have learned that I am an alcoholic and addict and don't focus on my wife's defects at all anymore - no time I am fully occupied with my own, which I have many.

In terms of my relationship, I had some good advice. Focus on my own program and sobriety and learn to communicate. I still work on this daily. About 3 weeks in I said I am done forever and this is the life I am going to lead and you can have half of everything if you want a different life. Trust me this was tough, as we have two young kids and lots of things to split. I can say three months later things are so much better. People can change, relationships can improve but it really starts to sobriety if you like me.

EndGameNYC

Hi mayhan.

I'm sorry to read about this dramatic turnaround in your life. I'm with Dee about getting more support. This is incredibly difficult to do, and so much more difficult to do on our own.

I'm curious that you didn't say why your husband is coming home? Might this also be part of the problem?