Trying to be patient
 

Went to a meeting and a get together but did not get to know anyone. My sponsor is never at meetings and he will not call me. 35 days sober and I am depressed and tired all the time. I am thinking a change of place will do me good, so I may get out of my lonely life and go see a relative. It just feels like I cannot be comfortable sober, especially in social situations. No one at the meetings asks me how I am doing, and they do not impress me. It seems unhealthy to sit around with damaged people night after night. I just hate not being close to anyone, I miss sex, and I feel like trying to get sober has ruined me somehow. Maybe my body and brain are healing so that is why I am so tired and just want to sleep.

Going to see family is a great idea. A lot of people are uncomfortable in social situations.

Sitting around with "damaged" people? We are all damaged, alcoholic or not. We all are just trying to make the best we can in this life. Sorry but that statement is rather hollow and harsh.

Hang in there and try not to forget why you decided to get sober. When I start feeling the way you do I try to go get some exercise. That always a huge boost to my mood.

Good job on the 35 days by the way.

Being patient is the way to go. Noticeable change doesn't happen overnight. It may not even happen in 35 days. But what you have going for you is momentum. Ride it.

My sponsor never comes to the meetings I go to. We only go to one meeting in common, an 8am Saturday morning meeting. And he never calls me first. I have to call him. Most of the time, he doesn't pick up. If I'm just checking in and doing ok, I'll leave a quick message and I probably won't hear from him. But if I'm struggling, he calls me back in minutes. it's your job do be doing most of the leg work here with regard to communication.

If things really aren't clicking between you two, just get another sponsor. If you want one that goes to all the meetings you do, then go for it. But no matter what you choose to do, start the step work. That's where the real change happens.

On the subject of peers, how much effort did you put in to getting to know everyone else at the get together? How much effort do you put into asking how others are doing? Do you call people to check in? Do you send them any texts to see how their day is going? Again, effort is required on your part. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but it's the truth.

I promise you that if you stick with putting in the work to get to know these people, you will begin to cultivate relationships that will result in closeness. Not superficial closeness that sex may bring, but an actual emotional and spiritual closeness that is amazing. I have the closest friends I've heard had in my life. Better than the people I grew up with. Better than college. These people KNOW me because I allow them to know me by not being afraid to share how I'm feeling. And I also make an effort to get to know them just as deeply. My friends may have been damaged, as I was, but we are recovered now. If you met me in person now, you would never guess I almost died from alcohol back in March. I am not the same person I was when I was drinking. And if you stay sober and put in the work, you will become a new and better person too.

You know what the best part is? After a little while, it stops feeling like work. Everything just feels natural and routine. Again, this is coming from someone who literally had not a single friend 9 months ago. Not one.

And yeah. I miss sex too. But that's ok. Things will fall into place with the right woman when the time is right. I have faith in my HP that things will work out. But I needed to get on solid spiritual ground by working the steps to become comfortable with that idea.

You think too much. You're just like me. ;) Keep it simple, buddy.

Are you reaching out to people in the meetings? I've noticed that people who talk about what is going on have folks come up after the meetings to talk. Then there are folks like me who say very little and I don't get a lot of walk ups, but that it my fault.

Hang in there, you didn't break anything by deciding to get sober. It will get better.

I'm outgoing to a fault....my meeting mates probably wished I would shut my cake hole...

Great job on 35 days... that is excellent ground. Recovery itself and the brain chemistry balancing and all kinds of stuff can cause feelings of apathy and mood swings by themselves... a lot I think.

One strange thing has been on my mind. It is that sociality. I'm beginning to find that regardless of my previous perception, I'm actually very social in a natural way. And that the anxiety and withdrawing feeling can be the addiction trying to make you miserable. The handicapped part of you that is addicted to that alcohol. Recovery and that in my opinion have together the greatest impact on just about everything in life.

35 days is big. Just keep on...

First off, congrats on 35 days. That's a pretty big deal. Next, you have two different problems but they seem to interact. The first is depression, the other is PAWS/readjustment. The second one is not unique to you, we all go through it. I assume it's worse for you because it interacts with/exacerbates your depression. But rest assured- it's not just "crazy" or anything. The first 30 to 180 days of sobriety are a huge challenge to all of us who've quit. Your body and brain seem to go haywire as they adjust to a very different chemistry than they're used to.

I don't think meetings would be useful for me, and I guess I would probably feel like you do about hanging out with "damaged" people. On the other hand, you do it here all the time. What is different about SR than your meetings? You come across and interesting and personable here. Maybe you need a different kind of live social group.

There are a lot of feelings in your post .
My feelings were misleading in early sobriety, they wanted me to succumb to drinking any feelings away …

35 days although great, isn't a long time and certainly too small a window in my experience to feel anything other than completely out of whack from what is really going on .
Throw your emotional compass out the window , stick with doing the next right thing for your sobriety . The first 35 days are the worst and it gets better and with time you will feel more whole .
I'd rather sit round every night for a year with damaged people and be sober than wake up not knowing what i'd done the night before ever again .

Bestwishes, m

I think Mecanix said it better than I could. You're feeling off and that's normal. It takes some time for your mind to reach a state of equilibrium.

Perceptions I guess Ach.

I spend my life now around damaged people.
Some of the finest people I know are damaged, and they helped me heal.

I'm damaged too - that doesn't make me broke or lesser - it's just an acknowlegement of where I've come from and what I've been through. I'm a mess of scar tissue - but I have a story and a lesson for each scar.

I know my own worth now, but a foolish groundless ego helped kept me ill for years.

I'm not ashamed now to admit I belong here too.
Maybe you need to admit that too?

D

Acheleus I don't think I've ever known a person who wasn't damaged which is just as well because I'm damaged too. But you know something, I've found damaged people are a bit like damaged cars -- repairs are always possible.

A lot of damaged/sick people end
up locked up in jail/prison or in the
hospital/crazy ward. Which is where
I began my recovery. Not that I was
crazy, because I was tested, but because
I had an addiction problem that needed
to be addressed.

Then when it comes to sex, there's sex
behind bars but not the healthy ones
from what ive seen on tv.

I was taught and learned that I was
like an infant when I entered recovery.
I was incapable of taking those first
steps because like an infant I needed
to be carried till I was old enough to
crawl then walk with help from others.

An infant has to crawl before they walk.
An infant is fed and taught with love,
care, guidance to become, emotionally,
physically, spiritually strong over time.

In school, we begin with daycare, then
preschool, moving on to grade school,
high school and possibly college, learning
absorbing, applying what we learn all
along the way.

We don't just emmediately with a snap
of a finger get all we need in life or recovery
instantly. It has to be taught to us and
we learn in order to grow, mature, become
healthy and happy in life.

No need to rush, be kind and love the new
stronger, healthier person you are meant
to be. :)

Acheleus, have you tried any other recovery paths? AA isn't the only game in town. It definitely wasn't for me as I have an internal locus of control. There is smart recovery, rational recovery, lifering, and many others. I'm at 31 days, and also have depression. I found that mindfulness and AVRT along with The wonderful SR people here have made my difficult path so much easier. Let go of your feelings, they will pass. Be kind to yourself.

I like to think that we go through everything for a reason. Yes we are damaged, but we can work hard everyday to repair it, not forget it, just repair it. What we are going through now, we may be able to use later on to help others. There is a lot of that going on right here on this site. Keep on truckin! Things will look up!

Yes, things will improve for sure. Congratulations on 35 days :You_Rock_

Dear Ache,

Humans can read each other, so if what you're putting out there is that you think those people are "damaged", no, they won't want to come over to say hello or ask how you're doing...women in particular, so don't expect to get some hoochiecoochie if that's the energy you're putting out there...and I'm sorry if that sounded harsh-just being painfully honest, which we all need at times.
Congratulations on 35 days-maybe it's now time to work on some of the other stuff that kept you drinking in the first place, the social anxiety, for example...
Just my .02 for whatever they're worth to you.

June

They must not be as damaged as you or so damage that they have more sober time than you? The way you feel is normal. If your sponsor is not calling you back (within a day or two) then you might need a new sponsor. YOU have to call people and go down the phone list, they don't call you/coddle you. The point is to force you to get outside of yourself. There are some crazies in AA, but like Raider said, we are all damaged in different ways, no matter where you go (church, AA, work, etc).

Congrats on 35 days, you have worked hard for those days. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back. And look how far you have come. It's only gonna get better.