Day 7
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 73
Day 7
I'm not sure whether or not to call this a "week". This is my seventh day since I had a drink, last dirnk was Saturday night into the Sunday Morning. I've always wondered what to call a "week". A week since I last drank or a sweek since I woke up hungover and decided to stop?
either way, I am on my seventh day. I guess at some point around 5am tomorrow will signify the last moment I took a drink. Half a can of pear cider, I'd drank more than I can remember that night, mainly cider until later in the evening then switched to quadruple vodkas.
I still dont know exactly what I said to get kicked out of the party, but slowly but surely my rational mind is kicking in and telling me that I couldn't have said anything as bad as I think otherwise I would have heard about it by now, so I was likely just talking random crap like drunks do.
Whatever I said to get kicked out was sandwiched between two discussions (rants) about equality and feminism so I can't see why my "getting kicked out comments" would deviate too much form that. But still. Not knowing, and will probably never know, has kept me stressed and worried. yes, I KNOW I shouldnt' and there is nothing I can do about it, but here we are. I'm an anxious depressive anyway so this is going to exist whether I drink or not.
I'm not as jittery about drinking at the moment. A couple of times today the thought has crossed my mind - "I can just go and buy some cider or gin" but they were batted from my mind. Still, the idea of getting some booze and sitting down for an evening of playing Resident Evil is slightly appealing- though I know that wont happen. It never has done. Many times I;ve said I will get some booze, relaxed night doing X and it always ends the same- sat in front the the computer being a drunken arse and risking upsetting people.
The scariest thing is I know if I could disappear into a cave and be self sufficient I would drink every day. My own health and wellbeing is really important but I must admit a large portion of my not drinking desire comes from not wanting to cause harm and upset to others. If anything THAT is a stronger motivator than my own health. As I say, I'm depressed so my idea of my own self worth is low, but I dont want to upset others and I know my drinking does that. Also, if I do get better I will start looking at myself more positively.
Right now I'm in a slight limbo area where my desire to drink is there, but is needing to be knocked away. I'm going to do what i have done every night this week again- barricade myself in with sweets and Pepsi (Man am I keeping them in business this week!) and watch Star Trek. If I do that I can focus elsewhere, and for a while the guilt and remorse and the desire to drink all shut their mouths.
This is probably the fourth longest time I have WILLINGLY gone without booze in over a decade. Usually if I have gone this long before its because I have been unable to get booze, but if I could have I would have. This time I am not drinking by choice. If I can keep up like this by mid January I will have a new "second longest without drinking" record. And that is quite a positive thought. If I can keep going till after my birthday in March then I will have broken my actual record- but thats a long way off, for now, I am not going to drink today.
either way, I am on my seventh day. I guess at some point around 5am tomorrow will signify the last moment I took a drink. Half a can of pear cider, I'd drank more than I can remember that night, mainly cider until later in the evening then switched to quadruple vodkas.
I still dont know exactly what I said to get kicked out of the party, but slowly but surely my rational mind is kicking in and telling me that I couldn't have said anything as bad as I think otherwise I would have heard about it by now, so I was likely just talking random crap like drunks do.
Whatever I said to get kicked out was sandwiched between two discussions (rants) about equality and feminism so I can't see why my "getting kicked out comments" would deviate too much form that. But still. Not knowing, and will probably never know, has kept me stressed and worried. yes, I KNOW I shouldnt' and there is nothing I can do about it, but here we are. I'm an anxious depressive anyway so this is going to exist whether I drink or not.
I'm not as jittery about drinking at the moment. A couple of times today the thought has crossed my mind - "I can just go and buy some cider or gin" but they were batted from my mind. Still, the idea of getting some booze and sitting down for an evening of playing Resident Evil is slightly appealing- though I know that wont happen. It never has done. Many times I;ve said I will get some booze, relaxed night doing X and it always ends the same- sat in front the the computer being a drunken arse and risking upsetting people.
The scariest thing is I know if I could disappear into a cave and be self sufficient I would drink every day. My own health and wellbeing is really important but I must admit a large portion of my not drinking desire comes from not wanting to cause harm and upset to others. If anything THAT is a stronger motivator than my own health. As I say, I'm depressed so my idea of my own self worth is low, but I dont want to upset others and I know my drinking does that. Also, if I do get better I will start looking at myself more positively.
Right now I'm in a slight limbo area where my desire to drink is there, but is needing to be knocked away. I'm going to do what i have done every night this week again- barricade myself in with sweets and Pepsi (Man am I keeping them in business this week!) and watch Star Trek. If I do that I can focus elsewhere, and for a while the guilt and remorse and the desire to drink all shut their mouths.
This is probably the fourth longest time I have WILLINGLY gone without booze in over a decade. Usually if I have gone this long before its because I have been unable to get booze, but if I could have I would have. This time I am not drinking by choice. If I can keep up like this by mid January I will have a new "second longest without drinking" record. And that is quite a positive thought. If I can keep going till after my birthday in March then I will have broken my actual record- but thats a long way off, for now, I am not going to drink today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 73
I CAN do this. I wont be going out again tonight, and in two hours the shops will be closed so another successful night. About to do dinner, a nice fat Cornish Pasty. Then my usually displacement activity- Star Trek 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 77
DramaStudent, stay strong. Even though you are doing it for others, your health does matter too. Think of how good you feel right now when you wake up compared to the hangovers. Every day gets easier, I promise. I'm on day 20....lets beat this thing together. Stay positive. I'm watching a marathon of "Game of Thrones".....good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
Star Trek!! You got my attention ;-)
Next generation my favorite
Next generation my favorite
About a third through season 5 of Voyager, gonna do DS9 next as I havent seen much outside the first few seasons apart form the odd episode. Its really helping keep me occupied!
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