Weasel1966

So today was a big day for me. It was what happens when....

When you say things you don't want to say.

When you put yourself on the line and hope.

When you say I am worth the risk.

Well...

I came out at my new job. I was spoken to because I was so closed off and the team I am on... Well... I... My role is the cog that makes it turn. So being anything but outgoing was hindering the creative process.

If that all sounds like bull... Well I wish it was.

So ... As a rule.... I say nothing of my personal life. I am very generic. You would not be able to go home and say to anyone anything distinguishing about who ken was... Past his work.

Turns out this is not about work. It's about collaboration. So I was honest. Myself.

I have to say that I was sweating horrible. The reason I drank was because I was afraid of anyone knowing me.

But I stood my ground. Kinda like saying " hello... My name is ken... I am an alcoholic."

That's huge when you own it. I owned my self today.

I am worn from all of it. So I sit sober. Ready for a snowy weekend. And I move on.

Ever owned anything? I could use to hear.

K

jaynie04

Thanks for the story Ken. I love knowing about people, I always feel honored when people feel comfortable enough to be themselves with me. You not only gave yourself a gift, you gave you cohorts one too! Have a great snowy weekend!

Dee74

Hi Ken

Can't say I have a similar story to share, but I have made my peace with who I am, and all that entails. It's a great feeling

have a great weekend
D

Olive1

Very brave Weasel.

On my last day of drinking I was so terribly ill. My sister talked me into going to the ER that morning thinking I just needed fluids for bad flu symptoms.
All day the doctor slowly, quietly, calmly and supportively got me to admit my drinking. They ran tests, got me stable-ish and moved me to another room. The doctor told me that because of the HIPAA regulations they could not tell my family anything. For a while I thought of how to sweep it all under the rug so they wouldn't know how bad I had become. I came clean to them later that evening and even as ashamed as I was of myself, the weight of all the lying and then finally telling the truth felt oh, so freeing.
The first day of the rest of my life.

Weasel1966

Olive... You know the relief. Good for you. I literally felt so much weight. I had no idea.

Cathryn2001

I really appreciated your post, Weasel, because I'm struggling with this process (owning/accepting who I am). Congratulations to you for having the courage to put yourself, your true self, out there.

Thank you for sharing your experience--it's given me a lot to think about.

Notimetoloose

I am really interested to hear about the reaction of the people around you when you out so honestly..

Weasel1966

No time... They made no visible reactions. No smiles no faces. I felt like I was out of my body to speak so honestly. But this I have found true no matter when I have said it.

When I seem to be ok with me then others are ok too. Or if not they won't say anything or react poorly.

This job is everything to me. So I figured I needed to be all in.

I have found the same to be with saying outright to those that need to know I am an alcoholic. That's who I am. I say both the fewest I can but when it needs to be said... I sit in my puddle of fear and say it.

I was sitting here having panic attacks. Like what have I done. I will be like that the weekend. Not knowing.

No drink can change it.

Hevyn

'No drink can change it' - great phrase. I finally truly believe that Ken.

Proud of you (as always). I'm sorry that being honest & open had to make you uneasy. That is so wrong & ridiculous. Glad you got it out of the way, though. No more agonizing over it.

LindaLou

Thanks for sharing that Weasel! It can be an uneasy topic to discuss with coworkers. You should be very proud of yourself! That is huge!

Nonsensical

I played Dungeons & Dragons when I was in high school.

Somehow that doesn't seem as momentous as your proclamation.

Go get'em!

Weasel1966

Non... If you are trying to say you are... Were a nerd... Well... Buddy. I already knew. But who am I to say until you do.

K

BTW... Have spam and eggs for the morning.

soberclover

When I first got clean and sober in 1990 I was pretty much immersed in my 12-step NA group. I ate, slept, and breathed NA. All my friends (and eventually my would be husband) were I met in NA/AA. I was clean and sober for 13 years. I worked in various treatment centers and was really open about my recovery. Until I began drinking when my marriage fell apart. When I did talk about recovery is was really coming from repeating what I had said earlier or the language I had learned. I was talking the talk but I wasn't walking the walk so to speak. NOW that I have been sober for a year.....funny how I am actually on the talk-about-my-recovery train again. I am very much about breaking down the stigma of seeking help as well as being in recovery. I think it has everything to do with where I am at. I have accepted being a recovering person as much as I have accepted the fact that I am powerless over alcohol. I think it is awesome that you did this.....everything happens for a reason

ForestRunner

I told my husband this summer. He agreed I need to stop, but he's not what you would call "emotionally available". He doesn't, and I dare say never will, understand this. It has driven my drinking underground but I do not blame him. In some ways it has forced me to really see what I could become if I don't own up and take the steps I need to take to save myself and my family from this awful disease. His parents know; mine don't. Some very close friends know, but my sisters only suspect. I am afraid of disappointing everyone, which is a motivation and a trigger. I try so hard to "do it all" and make everyone happy that I get overwhelmed and I guess take it out on myself. Trying to explain to people what I need and asking for help are very difficult for me. I feel I am expected to hold it together, suck up, make it work. I don't know if I can always accomplish that and keep sober. But I want to...

MythOfSisyphus

It's such a terrifying thing to admit, but you're right- it's empowering to own it. Once I admitted that I would never be able to drink normally it seems like booze lost its power over me. You win, booze! Now go away. The only way I can win is not to play.

mecanix

I'm confused did you come out as a gay man or did you come out as an alcoholic ?

I did the drinking one after 1 year sober when i felt confident i could stick at it , i've never said i'm an alcoholic just kind talked round the issue as guys do sometimes . I usually find the best time was when someone had a hangover , i'd say something like "i gave up getting hangovers 12 months ago" ..

As for the Gay thing well being in engineering and having been out before in my old job i found it a distraction from people noticing my professionalism . I like to be known as the guy who always get's job done minimum of fuss , delivers the goods … and for me in my industry fodder for idle gossips was just a distraction .

Knowing what you do though Ken and the type of guy you are , i recon you'll do just fine m8 .

Bestwishes, m

Weasel1966

Thanks guys.... Yes M as gay. I have been out before but it was always after a year or two. And once they knew my work it stood alone uneffected by opinion.

But this is a tight team. One that my obviouse lack of general conversation and being forthcoming became a distraction. Noticeable that ken keeps it close to the cuff. So I said WTF. I an nearly 50. It's legal to marry now so just be you.

I had a real physical release. I was tired.

As for coming out as an alcoholic. Well... The social stigma on that seems greater at this point. Not easy for it. Not in the workplace. When needed to defend my sobriety I say it. Otherwise. It's just me.

K

Nonsensical

You're probably right, but I am having this vision...

It's like we're back in elementary school and the teacher has chosen two students to be captains and they are picking their teams from the rest of the class. Except, instead of it being an athletic competition, we are picking teams that need to come up with creative solutions.

If I'm one of those captains, I am pretty much looking for the gay recovering addict as my top draft choice.

Just sayin' - Stigma be damned - I like to win!

Weasel1966

Non.... Thank you.

anyistoomuch

Effing brilliant non! I was thinking the same thing.

Weasel - good for you. I am so happy you were able to do this in a way that gave you some release from all you are dealing with. My best friend in the entire world is a gay man and I have known him through his coming out process. He always says that hiding his authentic self from the world meant that he wasn't really a part of the world - so the way he describes it, he couldn't be a real person until he OWNED who he was for himself and then stopped hiding who he was from the people around him.

I admire him so much for what he had to face (internally and externally) to do this. I admire you too - ONWARD!

(coincidence? - he is a VP Creative Director now at a major ad agency in Boston)

Smiles and hugs