27 days, still here guys! Please (Men) Help with advice. Or any ladies familiar...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: NY
Posts: 56
27 days, still here guys! Please (Men) Help with advice. Or any ladies familiar...
Hey guys - Sorry I've been MIA.
It's finals season/work full-time/meetings...
Things have been raw - Beautiful, clear, real, new, firsts...
And I've found myself falling for someone with 100+ days. We hashed it out one night, and it was a connection I've never felt high OR sober. To rant on all our similarities would seem cliche, but I assure you it's well beyond what I used to find "startling the same". We're both not only working the program, but living the program.
We've hung out, and he let me know that I inspired him so much since the first time we spoke outside of a meeting. I gave him knowledge that he hasn't ever tapped into, that I learned from life...
Things have been great - First time I'm clean and crushing... Hard.
Til... We got to talking about "rushing" and the old me came out... Fear
Every relationship I've had was when I was either drunk or abusing pills... And now I find someone sober, who I want to help lift up...
I hear the word "rush" and I deal with it the same as my addict way would; back them into a corner and FORCE them to tell me WHY... because in my mind, you "don't wanna rush" when you want to keep your options open. I ALWAYS USED TO FORCE, RUSH, CONVINCE RELATIONSHIPS TO HAPPEN. And I don't want to do that anymore!!
Could it possibly be that rushing clean isn't the same?
Could he really just not want to rush?! For THE RIGHT REASONS?!
I am BEGGING for knowledge. A path, words of encouragement. I need to figure this out. Because I've been in my head since I heard "ru...."
Please y'all. PLEASE.
Much Love to everyone here - Thanks for reading thus far.
It's finals season/work full-time/meetings...
Things have been raw - Beautiful, clear, real, new, firsts...
And I've found myself falling for someone with 100+ days. We hashed it out one night, and it was a connection I've never felt high OR sober. To rant on all our similarities would seem cliche, but I assure you it's well beyond what I used to find "startling the same". We're both not only working the program, but living the program.
We've hung out, and he let me know that I inspired him so much since the first time we spoke outside of a meeting. I gave him knowledge that he hasn't ever tapped into, that I learned from life...
Things have been great - First time I'm clean and crushing... Hard.
Til... We got to talking about "rushing" and the old me came out... Fear
Every relationship I've had was when I was either drunk or abusing pills... And now I find someone sober, who I want to help lift up...
I hear the word "rush" and I deal with it the same as my addict way would; back them into a corner and FORCE them to tell me WHY... because in my mind, you "don't wanna rush" when you want to keep your options open. I ALWAYS USED TO FORCE, RUSH, CONVINCE RELATIONSHIPS TO HAPPEN. And I don't want to do that anymore!!
Could it possibly be that rushing clean isn't the same?
Could he really just not want to rush?! For THE RIGHT REASONS?!
I am BEGGING for knowledge. A path, words of encouragement. I need to figure this out. Because I've been in my head since I heard "ru...."
Please y'all. PLEASE.
Much Love to everyone here - Thanks for reading thus far.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi padawanxox
27 days is great - but that means just recently you were a mess....a few weeks or so ago you felt let down and betrayed by someone.
I dunno about you but it took me a little longer than 3 months to work out who sober me was, what sober me wanted, and what appropriate emotional reactions were.
Relationships are dangerous sometimes - unless we're really on the ball, they can be an awful lot like the love affair we had with our drug of choice.
I think it's wise advice to take any new venture slowly for a while
D
27 days is great - but that means just recently you were a mess....a few weeks or so ago you felt let down and betrayed by someone.
I dunno about you but it took me a little longer than 3 months to work out who sober me was, what sober me wanted, and what appropriate emotional reactions were.
Relationships are dangerous sometimes - unless we're really on the ball, they can be an awful lot like the love affair we had with our drug of choice.
I think it's wise advice to take any new venture slowly for a while
D
Last edited by Dee74; 12-12-2013 at 08:24 PM. Reason: mis read
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Dee's advice is solid, Panda. If the relationship is worth doing, its worth doing right. The rush of a new relationship is not that different than the rush we sought from drugs or alcohol. Get your sobriety first, sobriety that lasts, then consider romantic relationships. The rule of thumb is a year - for good reason, because it has stood the test of time. If you truly value this person (and yourself), and this is a relationship with true potential, this person will be around in nine months. Tell them that is your intent, if they cannot wait that long they probably don't have what it takes to make a relationship work in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
or ya'll are just wanting to get laid... not trying to be an ass, but think about it. The first relationship in sobriety while desperate to feel a pleasurable release. There is nothing wrong with that but be careful with emotions and see things clearly. Everyone is awesome when sex is first involved 
Oh, what Dee said just a little more blunt :p
Oh, what Dee said just a little more blunt :p
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
What is this "rush" thing you are talking about? In any case, focus on you in the beginning. Replacing one thing for another never works out. Just an opinion. You have only just started riding with the sober training wheels.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: NY
Posts: 56
@Mikie9 - I'm sorry, when did I leave any sexual subliminal message up there? I'm pretty much as prude as they come. This has ZERO to do with getting off, because hell "I can do bad all by my self"... I never was promiscuous; not high or sober. My morality relating to sex has never altered. Trust, if this was about sex, I'd just have sex with an ex so I don't need another hole in my belt. So, I thank you for your advice, but you completely misread my intent.
Thank you Dee - I appreciate your honesty about this.
THANK YOU Eddie - You really added a new perspective to this. If it's true, it will stand the test of time.
The "rush" I was referring to was the rushing of having the title very early on. If we weren't exclusive, I'd move on. I in no way meant rush sex, because even if we did gain that title, how fast or slow we physically move is my call. But, thank you everyone. I truly appreciate the feedback.
If anyone else has anything more, I'm all ears... Well.. Eyes*
Thank you Dee - I appreciate your honesty about this.
THANK YOU Eddie - You really added a new perspective to this. If it's true, it will stand the test of time.
The "rush" I was referring to was the rushing of having the title very early on. If we weren't exclusive, I'd move on. I in no way meant rush sex, because even if we did gain that title, how fast or slow we physically move is my call. But, thank you everyone. I truly appreciate the feedback.
If anyone else has anything more, I'm all ears... Well.. Eyes*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
I was just throwing it out there. I know sex is the biggest reason to be someones friend than any other, and I wasn't talking about you . I was just trying to say be careful early on in knowing people and their intentions. The reason for my post is below, sorry I did not mean to imply anything about you.
We've hung out, and he let me know that I inspired him so much since the first time we spoke outside of a meeting. I gave him knowledge that he hasn't ever tapped into, that I learned from life... <--- really, so soon?
Things have been great - First time I'm clean and crushing... Hard. <--- uhm
Til... We got to talking about "rushing" and the old me came out... Fear <--- Oh....
I am kind of a jerk, but I mean no harm. if what I am saying is off target, please ignore it.
You asked for mens advice, I am talking to you like you are my sister or niece :p
. I was just trying to say be careful early on in knowing people and their intentions. The reason for my post is below, sorry I did not mean to imply anything about you.We've hung out, and he let me know that I inspired him so much since the first time we spoke outside of a meeting. I gave him knowledge that he hasn't ever tapped into, that I learned from life... <--- really, so soon?
Things have been great - First time I'm clean and crushing... Hard. <--- uhm
Til... We got to talking about "rushing" and the old me came out... Fear <--- Oh....
I am kind of a jerk, but I mean no harm. if what I am saying is off target, please ignore it.
You asked for mens advice, I am talking to you like you are my sister or niece :p
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It may be too late for the advice you seek, since your feelings have apparently made up your mind for you.
Look...In early sobriety, we've just climbed out of a living hell. We're dealing with withdrawals, a lifetime's worth of suffering, and damaged minds and bodies. Everything that's new and that wreaks of unlimited possibilities gets our motors running. But not everything that makes us feel good is the best thing for us when we're trying to put our lives back together, piece by piece.
Achieving sobriety often requires an extremely narrow focus, tunnel vision, if you will, and this generally means taking care of ourselves at the (temporary) exclusion of all else...jobs, money, family, friends, drinking events and, yes, potential "soul mates." (I use parentheses because I despise the expression, though there's actually a pretty good book about relationships entitled Soul Mates...forgot the author's name, but I think it was written by an alcoholic.)
You will do what you will do, of course, but each time you defer pleasurable feelings for the sake and betterment of your sobriety, you'll be in a much better place and position to actually both achieve long-term sobriety and live a better life...a life that includes choosing your partner rather than succumbing to immediate and accessible feelings of pleasure. (And no, I'm not just referring to sexual pleasure, which I didn't see as a motivation in your comments.)
Tread lightly.
Look...In early sobriety, we've just climbed out of a living hell. We're dealing with withdrawals, a lifetime's worth of suffering, and damaged minds and bodies. Everything that's new and that wreaks of unlimited possibilities gets our motors running. But not everything that makes us feel good is the best thing for us when we're trying to put our lives back together, piece by piece.
Achieving sobriety often requires an extremely narrow focus, tunnel vision, if you will, and this generally means taking care of ourselves at the (temporary) exclusion of all else...jobs, money, family, friends, drinking events and, yes, potential "soul mates." (I use parentheses because I despise the expression, though there's actually a pretty good book about relationships entitled Soul Mates...forgot the author's name, but I think it was written by an alcoholic.)
You will do what you will do, of course, but each time you defer pleasurable feelings for the sake and betterment of your sobriety, you'll be in a much better place and position to actually both achieve long-term sobriety and live a better life...a life that includes choosing your partner rather than succumbing to immediate and accessible feelings of pleasure. (And no, I'm not just referring to sexual pleasure, which I didn't see as a motivation in your comments.)
Tread lightly.
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