Day 4
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 73
Day 4
So another day, another check in. I had planned to attend AA tonight, but in all honesty I've tried before and it really isnt for me. I'd rather not go into the ins and outs but AA simply isn't my bag. Its not that I wont attend a meeting of some sort, it just wont be an AA meeting any time soon. I'm going to SMART Recovery on Friday. I know some people swear by AA, but I have my issues with it and really dont think it is for me.
That isn't to say I'm not looking for help- as I say, I'm going to SMART on Friday and have sessions arranged with a counselor to discuss my problems (not just drinking but my depression too). I'm also actively on here reading and keeping my head straight.
A couple of things have started to happen today. My guilt and remorse over my behaviour at the party Saturday has almost gone- I still accept it and understand the guilt and remorse were there and valid, but I'm not feeling them as much. But I acknowledge them. I'm still not sure what i said to get kicked out, probably just way too drunk, but if I had said or done anything massively catestrophic I would certainly have heard about it by now. My racing mind thinking of all the absolute worst things I could have said/ done has started to calm. It wont be entirely quiet just yet, another week maybe, but it is quiet enough that I've managed 1000 words of an essay today. I mean its crap, but its a 1000 words I can then edit at least.
The biggest problem however is now the guilt is starting to fade, that AV is starting to get louder. "See, you werent as bad as you thought" "you'll be fine to have another" "You're working hard on an essay, you deserve a drink" "You dont really have a problem".
NO. no no no no no.
I DO have a problem, just because its been a few days since my last drink and bad behaviour doesn't mean everything I have ever done, the alcohol I have drunk, the days lost, the people hurt, the stupid things done, that doesn't all go away because it turns out I wasn't AS bad as I thought Saturday. On a positive note I dont have the money to buy booze, but tomorrow will be dangerous as I get paid. In fact between tomorrow and sunday is going to be pretty tough. I imagine Friday is going to be the hardest. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to deal with it. I dont have any hard and fast plans other than "Dont buy booze". But I know what my mind is like- I will walk to the shops saying "Dont buy booze" then all the way back saying "Ok, but dont drink it" then sat back at home going "Well just have the one" then BOOM. Its as if I'm on autopilot, my rational mind is saying no, but my body is damn well going to the shops anyway.
So Day 4 is a mixed bag. Guilt down, AV up. Tonight shouldnt be too much of an issue, but the coming days will be hard. i can't even do my usual avoidance tactice of sleeping through the day and being awake at night (after shops shut) as I have to go out tomorrow to drop off a memory card and buy food for the pets. But after next week I can do, I can flip my sleep patterns around throughout the Christmas season which at least stops me being able to go and buy booze.
That isn't to say I'm not looking for help- as I say, I'm going to SMART on Friday and have sessions arranged with a counselor to discuss my problems (not just drinking but my depression too). I'm also actively on here reading and keeping my head straight.
A couple of things have started to happen today. My guilt and remorse over my behaviour at the party Saturday has almost gone- I still accept it and understand the guilt and remorse were there and valid, but I'm not feeling them as much. But I acknowledge them. I'm still not sure what i said to get kicked out, probably just way too drunk, but if I had said or done anything massively catestrophic I would certainly have heard about it by now. My racing mind thinking of all the absolute worst things I could have said/ done has started to calm. It wont be entirely quiet just yet, another week maybe, but it is quiet enough that I've managed 1000 words of an essay today. I mean its crap, but its a 1000 words I can then edit at least.
The biggest problem however is now the guilt is starting to fade, that AV is starting to get louder. "See, you werent as bad as you thought" "you'll be fine to have another" "You're working hard on an essay, you deserve a drink" "You dont really have a problem".
NO. no no no no no.
I DO have a problem, just because its been a few days since my last drink and bad behaviour doesn't mean everything I have ever done, the alcohol I have drunk, the days lost, the people hurt, the stupid things done, that doesn't all go away because it turns out I wasn't AS bad as I thought Saturday. On a positive note I dont have the money to buy booze, but tomorrow will be dangerous as I get paid. In fact between tomorrow and sunday is going to be pretty tough. I imagine Friday is going to be the hardest. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to deal with it. I dont have any hard and fast plans other than "Dont buy booze". But I know what my mind is like- I will walk to the shops saying "Dont buy booze" then all the way back saying "Ok, but dont drink it" then sat back at home going "Well just have the one" then BOOM. Its as if I'm on autopilot, my rational mind is saying no, but my body is damn well going to the shops anyway.
So Day 4 is a mixed bag. Guilt down, AV up. Tonight shouldnt be too much of an issue, but the coming days will be hard. i can't even do my usual avoidance tactice of sleeping through the day and being awake at night (after shops shut) as I have to go out tomorrow to drop off a memory card and buy food for the pets. But after next week I can do, I can flip my sleep patterns around throughout the Christmas season which at least stops me being able to go and buy booze.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Sounds like you're doing great. 
AA isn't my thing, either, but I do like support meetings, and AA is currently the only support group in my town, so I go from time to time. I would defintely try Lifering or SMART if it were available, though, so good for you for lining up an alternative.
You can't make the AV shut up, but you don't have to listen to it either. In 25 years I don't think mine has told me one true thing. It's been all lies. I think on that whenever he gets to yammering on. He's nothing but a liar. There's nothing but deceit in him. I fell for it too many times.
4 days is awesome. Keep it going!
AA isn't my thing, either, but I do like support meetings, and AA is currently the only support group in my town, so I go from time to time. I would defintely try Lifering or SMART if it were available, though, so good for you for lining up an alternative.
You can't make the AV shut up, but you don't have to listen to it either. In 25 years I don't think mine has told me one true thing. It's been all lies. I think on that whenever he gets to yammering on. He's nothing but a liar. There's nothing but deceit in him. I fell for it too many times.
4 days is awesome. Keep it going!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Lakeland FL
Posts: 42
I'm glad that you made it 4 days and that you'll be making more and more. All the bad feels and voices telling you to drink that you deserve it and you weren't that bad will all fade away in time. I go to meeting once in awhile but not AA. I can't stand it there with all the praying and people feeling sorry for themselves. I go to a dry bar with recovering addicts of drugs and or alcohol where we talk about the bad but focus more on the positives we have going on in our lives now.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by DramaStudent 
So another day, another check in. I had planned to attend AA tonight, but in all honesty I've tried before and it really isnt for me. I'd rather not go into the ins and outs but AA simply isn't my bag. Its not that I wont attend a meeting of some sort, it just wont be an AA meeting any time soon. I'm going to SMART Recovery on Friday. I know some people swear by AA, but I have my issues with it and really dont think it is for me.
That isn't to say I'm not looking for help- as I say, I'm going to SMART on Friday and have sessions arranged with a counselor to discuss my problems (not just drinking but my depression too). I'm also actively on here reading and keeping my head straight.
A couple of things have started to happen today. My guilt and remorse over my behaviour at the party Saturday has almost gone- I still accept it and understand the guilt and remorse were there and valid, but I'm not feeling them as much. But I acknowledge them. I'm still not sure what i said to get kicked out, probably just way too drunk, but if I had said or done anything massively catestrophic I would certainly have heard about it by now. My racing mind thinking of all the absolute worst things I could have said/ done has started to calm. It wont be entirely quiet just yet, another week maybe, but it is quiet enough that I've managed 1000 words of an essay today. I mean its crap, but its a 1000 words I can then edit at least.
The biggest problem however is now the guilt is starting to fade, that AV is starting to get louder. "See, you werent as bad as you thought" "you'll be fine to have another" "You're working hard on an essay, you deserve a drink" "You dont really have a problem".
NO. no no no no no.
I DO have a problem, just because its been a few days since my last drink and bad behaviour doesn't mean everything I have ever done, the alcohol I have drunk, the days lost, the people hurt, the stupid things done, that doesn't all go away because it turns out I wasn't AS bad as I thought Saturday. On a positive note I dont have the money to buy booze, but tomorrow will be dangerous as I get paid. In fact between tomorrow and sunday is going to be pretty tough. I imagine Friday is going to be the hardest. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to deal with it. I dont have any hard and fast plans other than "Dont buy booze". But I know what my mind is like- I will walk to the shops saying "Dont buy booze" then all the way back saying "Ok, but dont drink it" then sat back at home going "Well just have the one" then BOOM. Its as if I'm on autopilot, my rational mind is saying no, but my body is damn well going to the shops anyway.
So Day 4 is a mixed bag. Guilt down, AV up. Tonight shouldnt be too much of an issue, but the coming days will be hard. i can't even do my usual avoidance tactice of sleeping through the day and being awake at night (after shops shut) as I have to go out tomorrow to drop off a memory card and buy food for the pets. But after next week I can do, I can flip my sleep patterns around throughout the Christmas season which at least stops me being able to go and buy booze.
That isn't to say I'm not looking for help- as I say, I'm going to SMART on Friday and have sessions arranged with a counselor to discuss my problems (not just drinking but my depression too). I'm also actively on here reading and keeping my head straight.
A couple of things have started to happen today. My guilt and remorse over my behaviour at the party Saturday has almost gone- I still accept it and understand the guilt and remorse were there and valid, but I'm not feeling them as much. But I acknowledge them. I'm still not sure what i said to get kicked out, probably just way too drunk, but if I had said or done anything massively catestrophic I would certainly have heard about it by now. My racing mind thinking of all the absolute worst things I could have said/ done has started to calm. It wont be entirely quiet just yet, another week maybe, but it is quiet enough that I've managed 1000 words of an essay today. I mean its crap, but its a 1000 words I can then edit at least.
The biggest problem however is now the guilt is starting to fade, that AV is starting to get louder. "See, you werent as bad as you thought" "you'll be fine to have another" "You're working hard on an essay, you deserve a drink" "You dont really have a problem".
NO. no no no no no.
I DO have a problem, just because its been a few days since my last drink and bad behaviour doesn't mean everything I have ever done, the alcohol I have drunk, the days lost, the people hurt, the stupid things done, that doesn't all go away because it turns out I wasn't AS bad as I thought Saturday. On a positive note I dont have the money to buy booze, but tomorrow will be dangerous as I get paid. In fact between tomorrow and sunday is going to be pretty tough. I imagine Friday is going to be the hardest. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to deal with it. I dont have any hard and fast plans other than "Dont buy booze". But I know what my mind is like- I will walk to the shops saying "Dont buy booze" then all the way back saying "Ok, but dont drink it" then sat back at home going "Well just have the one" then BOOM. Its as if I'm on autopilot, my rational mind is saying no, but my body is damn well going to the shops anyway.
So Day 4 is a mixed bag. Guilt down, AV up. Tonight shouldnt be too much of an issue, but the coming days will be hard. i can't even do my usual avoidance tactice of sleeping through the day and being awake at night (after shops shut) as I have to go out tomorrow to drop off a memory card and buy food for the pets. But after next week I can do, I can flip my sleep patterns around throughout the Christmas season which at least stops me being able to go and buy booze.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Good for you for getting through Day 4.
It might be a good idea to make some specific plans for the weekend that help you to stay away from alcohol. And, do check in here at SR and let us know how you're doing.
It might be a good idea to make some specific plans for the weekend that help you to stay away from alcohol. And, do check in here at SR and let us know how you're doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
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