Day 3
 

Sorry for posting daily updates, but right now this is really my only outlet and I need to keep focused.

So I'm still feeling the guilt and remorse after my behaviour on Saturday that got me kicked out of a party- behaviour I don't remember at all and no one has filled me in, partly because I dont really want to know. However, the fallout has included nothing bad per se. The person who kicked me out said it was nothing personal I'd just done something to wind up her friends and they thought I should leave. I dont know what I said to them, part of me worries about that. What exactly DID I say that resulted in two strangers wanting me to be removed? Probably nothing as bad as what I'm thinking. There are certain things whilst drunk I never say or do- especially not randomly to two complete strangers. So I imagine it was more a case of I was just extremely drunk, rambly and making them uncomfortable as opposed to anything specific I said. But still, rational brain is telling me if it had been anything collossally bad or stupid I *would* have heard about it. But for the next few days at least that will still weigh on my mind but it is less so than yesterday.

Also, the "you're fine, you'll be okay to drink" voice is a little more confident- BUT, I am also a little more confident I can ignore it. Though that may be still party of the residual guilt from Saturday keeping it in check. If I dont get a text or phone call (I've deleted Facebook) in the next few days saying "What the f*ck did you think you were doing Saturday?" then I think my guilt will entirely subside. And my mind will start being more receptive to the idea of drinking.

I know I have to keep certain things in mind. I *DO* have a problem. I really do, and I can't let the AV get any control. Some people can't drink, I am one of them and I need to remember that. Its only a matter of time before I say or do something catastrophically bad and its going to cost me friends, family and possibly police involvement. Though I cannot imagine what this big thing is that I'd do, I know that it is only a matter of time before I do *something* unforgivable. Not necessarily illegal, but certainly bad enough that I've gone too far.

I also need to remember how good I feel when I have periods of abstinence. I dont think someone who has never dealt with alcohol abuse problems can truly appreciate just how wonderful waking up without a hangover is. And its not just the day after hangover, its the following few days as your body readjusts, which you dont let it do because you've drank again.

I need tor remember how productive I am when clean. How much of a nicer person I am, how much I dont scare my housemate when I'm sober. And I need to remember this is progressive- I may not be a "wake at 8 am and start on the vodka daily" level of drinker, but left unchecked it WILL get to the stage.

In these early days I need to remember- I have a problem. I'm an alcoholic. I can't just let that little voice win. I am not a normal drinker and never will be. And if I want to keep the friends that I have and the respect I have earned I need to cut off this demons oxygen supply.

Again, sorry for posting daily updates. I kinda need it right now.

Don't apologize for posting daily updates. That's what this place is here for. (((HUGS)))

That's what this site is for, support. The longer you stay sober the better for you, just don't start, not even one then you can't do anything you will regret.

Please keep on with the updates, they are good for you and good for me as well. Thanks!

Your honesty inspired me to join. I am grateful that you are willing to share what you are going through every day--you are giving a voice to every person who needs support but isn't able to share.

Great post. No apologies required.

Some people decide to tell their AV "NO, Never" and go on about their sober lives.

Others need to work on strengthening their sober self so it is easier to tell that AV "NO" day after day after day.

I find myself in the second category. I need to improve the sober me so that my AV's persistent bleating never wins.

best of Luck on your journey! :)

great post drama! do you have a plan in place to quit?

Great post. I recognize myself a lot. I too am heading for something seriously bad if I don´t quit. I still manage my job, I don´t drink daily and apart from some embarrasing events I have not done anything that has cost me more than my mental health.. Good luck, and keep on posting, I will. Daily. :-)

About 2 years ago I went to a party with a few so called friends. Big mistake we went there having a good time got right hammered. My friend got a little roudy I was in the party house when the house cleared and everyone went outside so I followed . My friend was outside and he was getting ready to fight some one so drunken me goes and grabs the guy as there about to fight. So I have him by the shirt and all of the sudden someone comes behind me and breaks a wooden chair over my head. Blood started rushing down my face I was so drunk I didn't feel the blow . Next thing I know I'm staggering back to where we parked somehow managed to get out of of there I go in the car I reach up and feel the top of my head and my fingers went inside my head....next thing I know im in the hospital getting staples in my head . Even that wasent a wake up call to quit drinking you think it would of been .

I'm just glad to be alive today and I have 4 days sober.

Yeah, don't apologize, Drama. For my first series of days, I posted twice a day, morning and night. It really helped for me, and if it's working for you, keep it up. You're doing great.

Thanks guys. Its good to have this support.

I am planning to attend AA tomorrow (Landlord visiting tonight to sign new contract). But I've been to AA before and didn't find it helpful- HOWEVER going to AA tomorrow night is a far better choice than the alternative. Being around people who understand and aren't judgemental is something I need right now, so I guess I do find AA helpful to some degree then :/ But more the being around others who understand more than the process and 12 steps that they use.

I'm also going to attend SMART Recovery on Friday, they only have one meeting a week within travelling distance. Right now my plans are basically to attend some meetings, keep hanging around here, only going out if necessary (If I dont go out, I can't buy booze). And remembering each day the reasons I can't drink and the reasons I want to be sober.

I know it is going to get hard in the coming days, especially when I hit the one week mark as all my reasons for not drinking will seem unimportant. So I need to be prepared for that. I even have changed my wallpaper on my phone to block text of "I Will not drink today" so every time I look at it, I am reminded.

Thanks all x

If you need to post, then post, your sobriety is important! :)

Great job on 3 days!! :You_Rock_