Notices

I give up

Old 12-09-2013, 08:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
I give up

So I've been sober since 20 July this year and my husband blamed my boozing on everything! Quite rightly, ridden with guilt, I took all the blame on the chin.
Turns out, he is still visiting porn sites and most the time, although we are getting on great otherwise, he won't touch me.
I was advised, not on SR, that he may be having an affair and I wanted to get to bottom of this.
He watches porn on his iPad, unsure if he pays for specific girls or video links, heard him looking for his wallet on one occasion.
Last night I confronted him saying after our conversation last week I thought he wanted to make a go of it. He said nothing. I said if he wants to 'speak' with girls on his iPad instead of a relationship with me then so be it, him to decide. Tried not to give him ultimatums but I have been on eggshells since we rowed in July.

Then talked about tv and his game on the iPad like nothing happened.
He slept on his chair till I switched all lights off and said to go to bed where he nearly took my head off when I was going to put my arm around him.
He needs to decide if he wants a wife or a sister/mother cos I'm only willing to fulfill the wife bit.

I have widened the gap between us by opening my mouth and had about an hours sleep. Thankyou any SR friends for reading this.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Hi hun - have you considered contacting RELATE? It might shock him into discussing things with you, even if he refuses to go to them.
I'm not sure what else to suggest but I've just woken up, so perhaps when my head clears a little, I think of something

Hang in there Xx
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Hi Skye thanks I have suggested last week us seeing a councillor but he said we can do this on our own. Now my heads not foggy from booze anymore I wanted us to be honest, I know it must be different for him now having a sober wife, I know he loves me, in his way, but since I'm sober I don't think it's enough.

Just hope it's not my evil av trying to get me on my own to booze, it won't win.

Thanks for replying Skye it's so much appreciated, I'm in bits xx
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:24 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Hey, no probs - just wish I could be more help but i'm useless until I've had 2 coffees first thing in the morning
Yeah, I've read it's a big life change for them when we get sober, but in truth I don't think i'd be too happy either with the things he's doing right now - there is only so much blame we can take for having drank in the past.
Without knowing him or seeing you together, it's hard to know how to reply but I do know that you can go to relate alone if you have to Xx
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:29 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
I've just had a look at their website , I also downloaded a manual to helping solve all marriage probs, working my way through it.

He is a nice guy and he isn't here to defend him, I'm not bad mouthing him, I just don't know what to do next x
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Just wish he'd be honest with me. He put up with all my crap over a few years, I wouldn't have if boot was on other foot, but he did and we didn't speak of it, do I didn't push too much when he went fishing all weekend, every weekend and fishing holidays with his buddies.

I had trust, but now it's gone.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:52 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Just thought while I was making toast - is it possible that he's getting anxious now the Christmas is looming?
You really need a good heart-to-heart I think, i'm just not sure without knowing you both, how you could go about that.
I don't know if this sounds cheesy, but how about making him a surprise meal with candles etc and see if that gets him to open up?
Xx

PS personally, I would shove his computer and porn sites, where the sun don't shine, but that's just me
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
I tell him my feelings of booze and the av I have sometimes.

Food, I love, he eats cos he has to, if he could do a Star Trek and take a tablet, he would, saying that, he's munched through plenty Christmas chocs. Lol. The most we talk, when he feels like it, is pillow talk, but usually skip important stuff. I was pleased I didn't go off on one and kept calm.

Thanks Skye, i go on his actions and we aren't close, so the websites hurt. I've been on them to see what it's all about, he's hiding things, visa bill etc. why can't he be honest.

Gotta have a few coffees myself and go to work he is off today using his holidays up so I will be fretting all day what he's up to. I can't stop it so why do I bother, I'll make myself ill.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Try and hang in there until Christmas is out of the way and then really make it a priority to sort things, if nothing's changed.
Don't worry about what he's up to today - not much you can do about it for now and you'll drive yourself crazy. I know it's not easy Xx
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:28 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Yes, thanks again, Skye.

Will have to get ready for work, you've been a great help, as always. x
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:32 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Sounds crazy, I know he cares, he ordered me a ring yesterday, but I think it's me, not that I am worldly I am not one for copying joneses.
Think I'm gonna visit the docs today this menopause no fun. x
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:44 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
We'll have a good chat on pm tonight ok? Get yourself something special for your lunch break today Xx
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:46 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 16
No, forget your friends and this chat.... everyone will desert you before you get close. Just like you desert your booze.
SingleDad421 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:48 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
I'm not sure what you mean Singledad?
Skye2 is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 11:02 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Me neither, single dad, what's your take from a mans view, please.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-09-2013, 11:26 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
malcolmsloan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
I actually relate in a few ways (that would be kinda complex to fully articulate), and I just want to say, hang in there. I do know that in dynamics where one partner is sober and the other is still drinking (is he drinking? did I miss that?), our sobriety needs to be a major priority. I hope that you guys can get into some sort of counseling. My wife and I did, and it really helped, if anything, having someone there to help us express to our partner what we feeling--without starting a war--is so helpful. But whatever, stay focused on your sobriety. I hope the best for you guys, I really do.
malcolmsloan is offline  
Old 12-09-2013, 11:41 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Thanks malcolm my husband social drinks but isn't doing much of it since I was sober he's did he knows he has a problem with alcohol but not as bad as mine is. I may go to counselling alone, husband thinks we can sort ourselves out.
He isn't one for talking of the past that's gone move on don't dwell that's his theory. Which is good if there are no unresolved things that want sorting. Thanks again.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-10-2013, 12:09 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nsw
Posts: 32
Hi Mags1, I know how your feeling, I went through this with my husband a few years ago, found he was looking at and subscribing to porn sites. It broke my heart and when I confronted him he didn't want to talk about it either, I think he was embarrassed.
I don't recommend you do what I did, I shut him out, got really depressed and sad, wouldn't let him touch or kiss me for weeks until he talked to me about it, even then I found it really hard to forgive him and move on. It nearly broke us but we got through it, I hope it works out for you both, stay strong and know that he is the one choosing to act and do what he is doing and don't blame yourself. Your sobriety is awesome!!!
Ange4 is offline  
Old 12-10-2013, 12:54 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Magsie
Thread Starter
 
Mags1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,512
Hi Ange4 Thankyou, yes it makes me feel useless and not loved and I feel I have to compete with these sites. I have took a peek to see what's going on.
To be fair I think he as always looked at porn but it never hurt me really as I had my prop the booze but now I'm sober I look at everything differently.
Mags1 is online now  
Old 12-10-2013, 01:14 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi Mags,
Just a suggestion-maybe look at what you want and make the decision about your relationship rather than just waiting for him to make a decision. In my experience many men will just carry on with the status quo as long as they can. If you're not happy maybe it would help if you made a decision.
ReadyAtLast is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:06 AM.