jdooner

Good plan. BTW - I thought I was in your shoes this past August. I actually got sober to set an example for my wife - turns out I had a bigger problem than I initially thought. Anyhow, I opened up to her and started to communicate - something we did not do bc we would chose to drink instead.

Anyhow, I did talk to a lawyer saw what life would be like and it did not look good. I was prepared to live that life if my wife did not get sober though. Turns out we both wanted it to work more than drinking and we have both been sober. In 4 short months we have fallen back in love and are learning so much more about each other. We still have our moments like most couples but people change. Your husband can too but he needs to be open to the change and want it for himself.

I wish you the very best.

DoPerdition

I am fairly new to sobriety, but I have done work with social services and the like. I am also a huge proponent of therapy. Please consider it for your marriage. Marriage counseling can become a safe place to express things to your spouse. A third party can offer an expert view as well as an unbiased opinion and help you both communicate your needs, wants and fears.

If he is the type who refuses to go to therapy, I think that's a bad sign. I feel being against therapy is being against understanding yourself. That would be a hard pill to swallow for me. Actually I am going through something very similar with my SO right now. If he wants to move forward with you, he can't hold on to resentments or keep holding back. Recovery is about being totally honest with yourself and it is impossible to deal with someone who is passive aggressively dishonest. (By burying his feelings in porn to make him feel better instead of telling you how he feels and dealing with his likely justifiable anger.)

He has put a wall up. To move forward, you both have to be willing to break down your walls and then build a new one together.

Mags1

That sounds great jdooner, I'm pleased for you and your wife, I hope ours takes us down a similar path.

Mags1

Thanks DoPerdition, very interesting regarding passive aggressively dishonest, I've never looked at it this way.
I feel like a new part of my brain is awakening, if this makes sense.

NoJimmy

It sounds like there is a long history of you both not having the kind of intimacy you now want. You want something different than you accepted before, and I imagine he hasn't caught up with your changes yet. It's possible he doesn't have the capacity to, and you may have ultimately outgrown him. It could be that, a resentment of your change, or perhaps both.
The porn thing is a real problem many men struggle with. But which is the root problem that caused him to disengage? The porn & social media flirtation, or a lack of intimacy between you two? If he's not willing to see a councilor, I imagine it comes down to you educating yourself and communicating about the problem.
I sense that you have an expectation for some kind of quick results. I think like the personal development we are all experiencing in recovery, resolving the issues between you two and re-learning the relationship will take time.

Mags1

Yes yes, NoJimmy, like Columbo films I wanna know who did it before I solve it. I have to learn baby steps, patience, to grow mentally mature.

LadyBlue0527

Mags, you're singing my song sister and I just sent you a novel of a pm.

An addiction is an addiction, the drug of choice does not matter. Everything was blamed on my drinking so I shut up and remained complacent in trade for being able to do what I wanted when it came to alcohol. I accepted that my behavior caused him to do what he was doing. It didn't take too long after getting sober to find out that now that I removed his ability to blame my drinking that there was a much larger problem. My drinking only gave him the excuses that he needed to in order for him to justify what he was doing. Once the excuses were gone the behavior continued.

The one thing that has helped me to keep my sanity is the realization that it is an addiction. That word I understand. With that being said I can't fix him, only he can do that. Just like no one could fix me but me.

It's crucial in the first year to try to remain as stress free as possible. I have made some big changes and they're for the positive. However, when May 27th of next year comes if I feel that I am as comfortable as I hope to be there are some bigger decisions that will be on the table.

For now, it has to be all about me.

I feel your pain and you know where I am if you need me.

Mags1

Thanks LadyBlue your message was very enlightening.

Mags1

So, you guys, my SR friends, were right.
My husband is a sex addict I think. 4 minutes after me leaving the house this morning he was on his iPad on video I think. I could here female voice and it sounded like they were in sync with each other. I'm going mad here, I suggested he might be going on sites and he says it's my imagination. I said I know. But he won't talk any further.

EndGameNYC

Sorry to hear all that Mags, but are you surprised?

Time to start planning your exit strategy.

You'll continue to get a great deal of support here.

Lifeisforliving

Dang it. That's so not how I wanted it to go for you. Just sent you a PM. There is healing & hope after discovery.

mirage

I'm sorry mags, big hugs from me. Yes, it's really common for them to make you think you're crazy and imagining things and being paranoid. It's called gaslighting. Trust your gut, don't let him convince you it's nothing. Google some terms, do some reading, see if much of it fits what you're seeing. You need to have an honest talk with him. Good luck, hon, I'll be thinking of you. I know how much this sucks.

Mags1

Thanks, he was so cold when I tried to talk, downright says I'm imagining all of it, I wanted to scream I've got it on tape but kept quiet, cos I have thought it's me in the last months. How did it go so wrong, I know the booze had a big part to play in this.
Amazingly, at times like this I would gave necked a couple bottles of wine by now. I'm glad my tolerance is getting stronger.

Thanks guys, think I will speak with a solicitor today and see my options, or book to see one.

mirage

Stay strong and stay sober. You know drinking won't help. I feel ya..I know how hard it can be to not climb into a bottle when things feel like they're falling apart. You'll feel so much better about yourself and things if you don't. I'm proud of you, you're doing great.

Mags1

Thanks mirage I won't drink, I'm at work in 3.50 hours.
Just numb and empty. He doesn't even wanna try to make this marriage a go, he just wants a housekeeper.
Well starting from Monday, he can do his pack up for work, I do it every say at the moment and he can take turns in cooking tea! I don't think I'm bring unreasonable, I go out to work as much as him. I will give him a few days notice.

NoJimmy

Sorry to hear he isn't willing to try. It would appear now that you're healthier and stronger you have outgrown him. It probably scares the crap out of him now that your sober, aware, connected and no longer too fogged out to overlook his issues and addictions. I'm glad to hear your strong enough to do what you need to do, and not allow this to compromise your sobriety.

Mags1

Hi NoJimmy thanks, I'm getting there, going to wait a few days I don't quite trust myself just yet to speak as he lies all the time.

Mags1

Please please please God, if you're listening, help me keep my mouth shut until I have something valid to say and strong and assertive enough to say it.Amen.

Dee74

You're always welcome to talk it out here Mags

D

Mags1

Thanks Dee I have been doing but I don't want to shout and scream at my husband like I am inside.