mirage

Hi mags, I'm sorry about your situation. I felt the need to say a few things, based on some stuff I've been through. A lot of people don't believe or understand sex addiction, but in my experience, it's a real thing. It doesn't mean the person is addicted to intercourse, it can mean other things, like porn. Porn, over time, will distort a person's view of healthy sex and relationships. It removes any intimacy, it's impersonal. They often start with porn, and then up the ante to get the same "high" if you will, just like how people use drugs. First it's pictures, then videos, then live sex on the internet, or sex chat. Then they might decide they want to act out in real life..then you get to prostitutes or meeting people on line. It's a real thing and it's scary. I just wanted you to know that this exists, and just "hanging in there", might not be enough. There are therapists that specialize in this, you might consider looking into it. I'm not saying everyone who views porn ends up doing this or having a problem, but some do. It's like alcohol...not everyone who drinks has a problem. But it sounds like he's pulling away from you and preferring porn, and that's not good for either of you.

Just because you're an alcoholic, doesn't mean you can't have your own boundaries in your marriage. Tell him it hurts you, it scares you, and you think you'll have a healthier relationship if he didn't view porn anymore. Tell him it's important to you. See what he says. If he won't give it up, then that tells you something and see if you can see a therapist with him. Sorry if I'm too doomsdayish, but I've been there. Good luck!!

Mags1

Hi mirage I hadn't started thinking about why he goes to porn, I kinda thought it was because I pushed him away for so long and was not there most of the time but drank until I passed out on sofa. I wasn't that bad most of our marriAge just the last few years.

He is very deep though and keeps stuff to himself, and he won't go to a councelor . Maybe we can do it ourselves.

Mags1

Thanks rob yes I should know what are his likes and dislikes and act on those.

ImEnt

Shyness is not necessary. For anyone. Ever. If that makes sense.

How do you connect? Set yourself aside and step into the other person. In this case your husband, but you can do this with anyone. See the world through their eyes. It will give you the understanding you need.

Mags1

I put myself in other peoples shoes, is it the same as empathy? But not usually that close to home.
I will have a go, step into him and see me from his perspective. Though I am paranoid about myself as it is, I may despise me when I see me as he sees me.. I will keep you posted.

ImEnt

That is empathy. It's how you connect with people.

Being afraid of what you'll see is not realistic. Because you will see what is already the case. It's true already, you're just discovering it. And you might not like what you find.

But... realize that whatever you find is how it is right now. It doesn't say anything about the future. Their current response to you is subject to change. Be confident in that.

And then there's the worst case scenario. Which is not cool. But it is the way it is. At that point you don't want to drink or hide. It's one of those moments where you get creative to look for improvement.

I used to be shy until I noticed how unnecessary it was, Is there ever a need for shyness?

Is there ever a situation where being yourself is inferior to being shy?

Nope.

The risk you take by not being shy is that people don't like the person you are when you're being yourself. Which rarely happens. And it's a fact of life, some people don't like you. Most will though.

And if they don't like you, big whoop. Who cares? They missed out of liking a great person.

It's life. You can hide inside a shell and protect yourself or you can go out into reality, be yourself, and accept that some people might not like you.

It's how it works anyway.

So be yourself! Drop the shyness and everything that drives it. There just might be a whole world of opportunities waiting...

mecanix

Personally i'd not see the porn issue as a rejection of you , more a fantasy of escapism . You've recently come back from drunken times maybe some time for him to change course and learn about the new you would be good ?

He might not realise that there is a new sober Mags being forged at the moment and that she has different needs and requirements than the old Mags . The new Mags by dint of being sober will have a healthy and attractive glow that the old one didn't .
I think with time the signals we give out as we grow more confident in our recovery and wellness mean that people start to treat us differently .

I think going to relate by yourself is certainly worthwhile , it saved my dads 2nd marriage, 20 years or so now going well .

I'd council no rash decisions unless your physicality or sobriety are at risk , It's worthwhile fully exploring the pro's and con's and trying to see whats possible before drawing any conclusions .

Keep on Mags

Bestwishes, m

jdooner

Mags1 - your husband might be sick. I am no expert but from what I have read, there is a difference between sex addiction and porn addiction they are not the same. Sex addiction is the release of dopamine through the chase - picking up a woman at a bar and then sleeping with her for example. While porn addiction is the release of dopamine as a voyeur. You become infatuated with the pixels. The problem with this is you don't crave the real thing anymore. You enjoy watch but not participating and it sounds like this might be what is happening here?

He is going to need to deal with his issues. I think having an open dialog is healthy. Don't come at him, just as you would not like him talking to you about drinking. Instead, explain how this makes you feel like another poster suggested and see if he would be willing to talk to someone about it. It might be best for him to talk to his own therapist first and then eventually move to couples therapy to help work on the relationship.

You are still early in your sobriety I think and its important not to make rash decisions in the first 6 months, I read here. Given the emotional roller coaster we all ride on through this journey I could not agree more with Mecanix.

Your husband may have gotten in a rut - don't let the stigma make it worse. He just needs help being shown how to positively channel his energy. Who knows maybe a good night together is all he needs to wake him up to what he is missing out on - you!

JaylaaKent

My ex suffered from sexual anorexia - google it if you aren't familiar. Said we could work things out yada yada - then I realized looking back a lot of times I drank so I could not deal with how I was feeling in my marriage. We are now divorced, it hurt, it was hard, but can't say it was a great situation for me or my children. Constant fighting, stress, drama. My heart goes out to you and other women I hear talking about similar situations - sometimes it seems like being alone is the worst case scenario and maybe it's not. Let him do what he will - you can't control him, just like he can't control your drinking. Work on yourself/kids (if you have any I can't recall). He will either join you or go his way. I don't get some of these men - bottle everything up do things - then blame it on the wife's drinking. Well - if things were SOOOooOo perfect she might not have been drinking (not that it's an excuse). Best of luck - and lots of love.

Mags1

Hi thanks for the feedback. There is a lot of common sense been spoke here , I'm going to take all your comments and re read again and act instead of stewing inside.

I've always been one who is great at helping anyone else but suppresses my own feelings to deal with at another time, except there's never been another time.

Sobriety brings all these quirks to the fore and seeing as I got rid of the biggest crutch in my life I now have to face me and my relationship with my husband and life.

I have you all to thank, such wise words, how come I couldn't think for myself, I'm a grown woman for goodness sake.

So I go to bed, it's 01.00 am here in the uk, and with so little sleep I'm a ashamed to say I fell asleep on sofa tonight, zonked. So, I go to bed a lot more rested than last night and first and foremost, Sober.

Thankyou to all my SR friends, you guys rock, love you all. Goodnight sweet dreams x

PurpleKnight

Don't give up!! there is always hope, there is always a way through!!

Lifeisforliving

I personally think you should look at the sex addiction angle. It is progressive just like any addiction. Most every sex addict will tell you it started with porn. Just like us, at some point that initial buzz is not enough and it starts to progress. For example, I didn't start my drinking career by drinking almost an entire box of wine a night (as I was doing toward the end). Just like my ex-husband didn't start his sex addiction with visits to escorts and trolling for women on Craigslist (as my ex was doing when our marriage ended).

I'm not saying this is what's happening. I'm just saying it may be worth checking into. There is help for YOU regardless of if he's acting out (or not). I have resources for you if you're interested. You can PM me if so.

Regardless, congrats on your sobriety!

EndGameNYC

There are worse things in life than being alone.

Focusing on what's going on with him is not going to help you. Whatever he's dealing with, he appears to be completely and absolutely disinterested in getting help with it. Whether it's another form of addiction or not, what we know about it is that it's a private activity that not only doesn't include you, but one which he also hides from you and around which he keeps secrets. So he's got some things to hide from you that he refuses to discuss with you. Super.

This idea that he and you can work through such powerful issues without help is, I'm afraid to say, a pipe dream. Unless I'm missing something, you have little or no experience with working through difficult times together as a couple. Working through all this stuff "on your own" is merely a metaphor for never truly addressing the relevant issues at all.

Mags1

Yes, you're right EndGame, if I'm to guess what will happen I will keep quiet, things will go on an on, supposedly normal, and we will have a big blow up again with the result of one of us walking out, but now I'm sober I don't blow up so much as ask and he just really doesn't give the right answers, or evades an answer.

Mags1

Looking back all our marriage has been like it, his and mine, a sham really, I thought it was the independent way but we ended up going our seep rate ways, him fishing every weekend and me going boozing or staying at home boozing. He doesn't fish now, says it got too expensive which made him get his money's worth by going every weekend, but they never included me. I visited the pond sometimes and they had like a mini holiday with barbecues, which he hated at home, I thought it was cos I drank too much at them, but all in all he enjoyed them without me.
Not sure what the next step is, when I have talked I thought everything was going to be ok, but back to normal.
He went to gym a few years ago but stopped after a knee op, but at the time, I didn't know until July, that he was taking to girls on Facebook and they sent him pics to an email I font have access. That resulted in us rowing when I found out and he left. We reconciled a week later and when I tried to broach the subject he blew up saying odd I want him to leave again and I was the worst kind of scum snooping in his stuff. I had never snooped all our years together until I got suspicious. Sounds bad doesn't it but as far as he's concerned everything is back to normal.
I thought I could draw a line under the past but it seems he still has his private activities.

Mags1

I know it is going to eat away at me inside as my imagination makes everything 10times worse. I'm sure if he read this he would tell a different tale of my behaviour when drunk. Which has stopped.
When he came back in July I had stopped drinking the week before and he said there was nothing wrong with our marriage except my drinking.
So I've stopped but things, to me, still aren't right.
Sorry to rant on, EndGame, but you gave me a lot of data for my head to process. I thank you again and wonder where my journey will take me.
Or do I choose the destination.

mirage

Mags, your situation sounds a lot like mine. We disconnected over the years. He would look forward to his fishing/hunting trips with his friends and I would stay home with some wine. We wanted each other to be happy and we thought that was what made us happy. I didn't realize how disconnected we were till I got sober 2 1/2 years ago. We had really shut each other out, emotionally. We were still great friends, got along great, raising great kids..but it wasn't much of a real marriage. Things came to a head a year ago Sept...he hit a bottom, and we were looking at divorce. Instead, we took a deep breath, took it a day at a time, and we both committed to therapy, separately. We had to work on ourselves first. Recently, I've been ready to start couples therapy, but I'm still hurting and healing. What I do know is that what he did has nothing to do with me. Did I drink too much and stay up late? Yes. And guess what...I think he liked it. It gave him the excuse to do what HE wanted. Which was view porn and ultimately cheat on me in many ways. Luckily for us, we "caught it" early, before more damage was done. What I have to live with is enough. Anyway..haha..sorry, I'm rambling. My point is, his choices are not your fault..he can deal with things any way he chooses and he's choosing this way. Yes, there are two people in the marriage, but all you can do is make the best and healthiest choices and try to reconnect this marriage. It can be done! Stay sober!! That is most important.

Mags1

Hi mirage thankyou , my life experiences are very much like yours, without the kids. I know somewhere he loves me and I'm waiting for the old cliche he uses sometimes when he has done a job for me, ie put a blind up, and says is it ok and I might add my tuppeneth before he says, if you're happy I'm happy.

Then I can take a cue to have some honesty with him, I hope.

I am seeing a councelor at the docs as the doc doesn't know wether to treat me for depression or menopause, I think it's the latter but I see a councelor. He got to asking how are things at home.

My husband will never see a therapist, he is as we say 'old school' sorts his own problems out. Thanks for sharing x

jdooner

It might be helpful to see what things would look like post divorce. Meet with an attorney and just explore to open your eyes to the reality. Either he is going to change or not. Now you need to decide whether you want to live with him without changing - does not sound like you do - or you need to move ahead in life without him. Having a good picture of what things would look like post marriage can help paint some of the broad strokes.

Mags1

Thanks jdooner. At the moment I don't trust myself to make any major decisions. I'm nearly 5 months sober and I know I'm all over the place, mentally.

I know in this country any how's, the best solicitor to be is a divorce one, they bleed us dry. I couldn't trust myself that they would take advantage of my vulnerability and I would be swayed one way or the other.
The one thing I know for certain, at this moment in time, is I want our marriage to start working. How I get it to start, hard work. But in the morning I may want it to end.

So, for now I have to keep quiet and get myself mentally strong then find that path where I can find me, who got lost and took the wrong road a long time ago.