Day 1 - Feeling good about starting sobriety.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Day 1 - Feeling good about starting sobriety.
Okay, so here I am at the third time in my life - day 1 of long-term sobriety. This time, I intend for it to be day 1 of lifelong sobriety.
In summary, the first time was after 7 years of alcoholic drinking, several years of daily marijuana smoking, and the occasional use of various drugs. That bout of sobriety lasted a solid 3 years until I made the decision that I could drink again - that somehow at age 24, I was missing out on something. I wanted to "have fun" again.
At that point, I pretty much jumped right back into my pattern of alcoholic, heavy, nearly daily drinking, but minus the drugs. Albeit, I was much more responsible that time around, but after 1 1/2 years, I again realized that I am a true alcoholic, and there is no way that I could sustain that level of drinking.
6 years of sobriety later, a personal tragedy occurred, which prompted me to turn to drinking once again. Nearly 3 years of basically daily, heavy, alcoholic drinking, and I am feeling totally done with it. I've told myself this in a pretty much half-serious way many times in the last couple of years, and "quit" for no more than 4 days. This time, I am feeling wholehearted about it.
Over these 3 years, I have drank really heavy, but I tried to pride myself on being a "functional" alcoholic. I never drove after more than 3 drinks, and only drove on those occasions just a few times. When going out, I would either walk, take public transit, or a cab. I closely monitored my behavior whilst drinking, and made it a point that, no matter how much I had drank, that I still came across as sober as possible. I pretty much tried to hide the fact that I was drunk, even when around other people drinking heavily. I would pace myself more when out with people, so that I would avoid blacking out and passing out. All in all, I would say that I am a "happy" drunk, especially when around others. And I strove to maintain all of my family, work, and financial responsibilities.
90% of the time though, I would drink alone, as that seemed the safest, easiest, and least expensive. Unfortunately, this caused me to become pretty much of an isolationist, and basically numb to trying to develop relationships outside of immediate family and work. Alcohol had become my daily companion. I have also always been a quite depressed person at some level, with high anxiety, and over these last years, have basically just used alcohol to self-medicate. All of this coming together has left me feeling quite empty and dead inside.
So, in addition to those feelings, what prompted me to make this decision today was yet again another horrendous hangover, the reinforcement of the realization that I drink in a completely excessive manner, and that if I keep this up, I am seriously endangering my health.
I made a similar decision last Sunday after drinking 17 drinks prior to/during a college football game, and then after taking the last bus home, while already quite drunk, walking 2 miles out of my way to the only store that was still open that sold hard liquor, buying a handle of Southern Comfort, and then staying up until 3am drinking a couple more shots and a couple more beers. Like 17 drinks already wasn't enough!
So when waking up at 8am the next morning, still drunk and feeling an enormous hangover coming on, I felt like drinking again already! But by that afternoon, I held out on drinking, and decided that it was time to "quit".
So I went 4 days without any alcohol, and physically felt much better. Once again though, the thought crept into mind: "Most people seem to be able to drink moderately. I don't want to seem like an outsider, or like I'm missing out on something. I'm going to try again to drink moderately. This time, I can do it."
That night, I went and bought a bottle of wine and a six-pack, with the "intention" of only drinking maybe 2 glasses of wine, and saving the beer in case I wanted a "3rd". Of course, I drank 3 glasses of wine and two beers, and woke up the next morning thinking I succeeded at "moderating". That night, I drank enough to black out, and the next night the same. Then yesterday, I "paced" myself all throughout the day, ended up drinking 10 shots and 7 beers, and went to bed at 10:30pm for work. Then, of course, I woke up after only 4 - 5 hours of "sleep" at 3am feeling absolutely miserable, and ended up having to call in to work.
What struck me this morning is how insane that all is! Number one, anyone who drinks "normally" would think drinking 17 drinks is insane, and probably would die from alcohol poisoning if they tried it! (Unfortunately, 17 drinks is a pretty average amount for me when I have most of the day to be able to drink. That makes me feel truly pathetic.)
And again, it also struck me that this is no way to live! Poisoning my body and mind to extremes all the time, but then striving to seem "functioning and normal" to all those around me.
So, here on day 1, I am feeling good about starting sobriety again. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to help myself heal and rebuild myself emotionally to a place of contentment that I probably haven't felt before, and also this time to a place where I can stand firm in my sobriety for the rest of my life.
In conclusion, I wanted to ask the question to those who have at least a year of sobriety:
As an alcoholic, I feel pretty much obsessed with alcohol. By that, I mean that it has been an overwhelmingly important thing in life, and it creates the notion that it is the only means to "truly" have "fun." Since this obsessive perception makes it seem that "everyone" is able to drink "normally", and is always doing it to have "fun", then I feel "why can't I"?
Deep down to the fiber of my being, I know that I can't, but it also makes me feel like I don't want to be on the "outside", like I am "missing out." Bottom line, it makes me feel being an alcoholic is stigmatized and weird, so if I can prove that I can drink "normally", then it will be all good. I just give way too much head space to thoughts of this liquid that others probably don't think that much about.
With my alcoholic mind always focusing on these things, even though I know I cannot drink moderately, it creates an illusion that it still may be possible, and tends to block out all the other negative things associated with alcohol.
This, to me, is the biggest challenge, and presents the most to contend with.
How do you deal with those thoughts when they come up?
Thank you for any insight you can provide.
P.S. - It felt great to write out all of these thoughts/feelings! Thank you for providing the forum to do so.
In summary, the first time was after 7 years of alcoholic drinking, several years of daily marijuana smoking, and the occasional use of various drugs. That bout of sobriety lasted a solid 3 years until I made the decision that I could drink again - that somehow at age 24, I was missing out on something. I wanted to "have fun" again.
At that point, I pretty much jumped right back into my pattern of alcoholic, heavy, nearly daily drinking, but minus the drugs. Albeit, I was much more responsible that time around, but after 1 1/2 years, I again realized that I am a true alcoholic, and there is no way that I could sustain that level of drinking.
6 years of sobriety later, a personal tragedy occurred, which prompted me to turn to drinking once again. Nearly 3 years of basically daily, heavy, alcoholic drinking, and I am feeling totally done with it. I've told myself this in a pretty much half-serious way many times in the last couple of years, and "quit" for no more than 4 days. This time, I am feeling wholehearted about it.
Over these 3 years, I have drank really heavy, but I tried to pride myself on being a "functional" alcoholic. I never drove after more than 3 drinks, and only drove on those occasions just a few times. When going out, I would either walk, take public transit, or a cab. I closely monitored my behavior whilst drinking, and made it a point that, no matter how much I had drank, that I still came across as sober as possible. I pretty much tried to hide the fact that I was drunk, even when around other people drinking heavily. I would pace myself more when out with people, so that I would avoid blacking out and passing out. All in all, I would say that I am a "happy" drunk, especially when around others. And I strove to maintain all of my family, work, and financial responsibilities.
90% of the time though, I would drink alone, as that seemed the safest, easiest, and least expensive. Unfortunately, this caused me to become pretty much of an isolationist, and basically numb to trying to develop relationships outside of immediate family and work. Alcohol had become my daily companion. I have also always been a quite depressed person at some level, with high anxiety, and over these last years, have basically just used alcohol to self-medicate. All of this coming together has left me feeling quite empty and dead inside.
So, in addition to those feelings, what prompted me to make this decision today was yet again another horrendous hangover, the reinforcement of the realization that I drink in a completely excessive manner, and that if I keep this up, I am seriously endangering my health.
I made a similar decision last Sunday after drinking 17 drinks prior to/during a college football game, and then after taking the last bus home, while already quite drunk, walking 2 miles out of my way to the only store that was still open that sold hard liquor, buying a handle of Southern Comfort, and then staying up until 3am drinking a couple more shots and a couple more beers. Like 17 drinks already wasn't enough!
So when waking up at 8am the next morning, still drunk and feeling an enormous hangover coming on, I felt like drinking again already! But by that afternoon, I held out on drinking, and decided that it was time to "quit".
So I went 4 days without any alcohol, and physically felt much better. Once again though, the thought crept into mind: "Most people seem to be able to drink moderately. I don't want to seem like an outsider, or like I'm missing out on something. I'm going to try again to drink moderately. This time, I can do it."
That night, I went and bought a bottle of wine and a six-pack, with the "intention" of only drinking maybe 2 glasses of wine, and saving the beer in case I wanted a "3rd". Of course, I drank 3 glasses of wine and two beers, and woke up the next morning thinking I succeeded at "moderating". That night, I drank enough to black out, and the next night the same. Then yesterday, I "paced" myself all throughout the day, ended up drinking 10 shots and 7 beers, and went to bed at 10:30pm for work. Then, of course, I woke up after only 4 - 5 hours of "sleep" at 3am feeling absolutely miserable, and ended up having to call in to work.
What struck me this morning is how insane that all is! Number one, anyone who drinks "normally" would think drinking 17 drinks is insane, and probably would die from alcohol poisoning if they tried it! (Unfortunately, 17 drinks is a pretty average amount for me when I have most of the day to be able to drink. That makes me feel truly pathetic.)
And again, it also struck me that this is no way to live! Poisoning my body and mind to extremes all the time, but then striving to seem "functioning and normal" to all those around me.
So, here on day 1, I am feeling good about starting sobriety again. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to help myself heal and rebuild myself emotionally to a place of contentment that I probably haven't felt before, and also this time to a place where I can stand firm in my sobriety for the rest of my life.
In conclusion, I wanted to ask the question to those who have at least a year of sobriety:
As an alcoholic, I feel pretty much obsessed with alcohol. By that, I mean that it has been an overwhelmingly important thing in life, and it creates the notion that it is the only means to "truly" have "fun." Since this obsessive perception makes it seem that "everyone" is able to drink "normally", and is always doing it to have "fun", then I feel "why can't I"?
Deep down to the fiber of my being, I know that I can't, but it also makes me feel like I don't want to be on the "outside", like I am "missing out." Bottom line, it makes me feel being an alcoholic is stigmatized and weird, so if I can prove that I can drink "normally", then it will be all good. I just give way too much head space to thoughts of this liquid that others probably don't think that much about.
With my alcoholic mind always focusing on these things, even though I know I cannot drink moderately, it creates an illusion that it still may be possible, and tends to block out all the other negative things associated with alcohol.
This, to me, is the biggest challenge, and presents the most to contend with.
How do you deal with those thoughts when they come up?
Thank you for any insight you can provide.
P.S. - It felt great to write out all of these thoughts/feelings! Thank you for providing the forum to do so.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Exceptional post Sublimeami ! Welcome to the family.
You sound like your head and heart are in the right place. Now it's a question of how to put our money where our mouths are right ?
I would first begin by examining what it is you are concerned you'll be missing out on ?
You sound like your head and heart are in the right place. Now it's a question of how to put our money where our mouths are right ?
I would first begin by examining what it is you are concerned you'll be missing out on ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Thank you for your insight and reply alphaomega.
And you're right - it is the question of putting the money where our mouths are!
If I think about "what I'm missing out on", from an alcoholic perspective, here would be an example:
I work at a place with some really awesome people I have known for many years. I love my job, and have worked there for well over a decade, so I don't plan on going anywhere soon.
Anyways, it's in the hospitality industry, and anyone who has worked in the industry may know that alcohol and happy hours are intrinsically a part of the business and pretty much any related function. People are always referring to alcohol and mentioning it in passing, in that jokingly "fun" context. So, when all this is around, and knowing you can't imbibe anymore, the alcohol-obsessed side of me makes it feel like I'm "missing out".
My task is to become strong and prepared to handle this again, as I'm not going to run to another job as an avoidance. And besides, it's probably like that in many places, and could also be my alcoholic mind over blowing my perceptions anyways!
How do you handle things/situations like this, knowing that alcohol is so socially ingrained within our society?
And you're right - it is the question of putting the money where our mouths are!
If I think about "what I'm missing out on", from an alcoholic perspective, here would be an example:
I work at a place with some really awesome people I have known for many years. I love my job, and have worked there for well over a decade, so I don't plan on going anywhere soon.
Anyways, it's in the hospitality industry, and anyone who has worked in the industry may know that alcohol and happy hours are intrinsically a part of the business and pretty much any related function. People are always referring to alcohol and mentioning it in passing, in that jokingly "fun" context. So, when all this is around, and knowing you can't imbibe anymore, the alcohol-obsessed side of me makes it feel like I'm "missing out".
My task is to become strong and prepared to handle this again, as I'm not going to run to another job as an avoidance. And besides, it's probably like that in many places, and could also be my alcoholic mind over blowing my perceptions anyways!
How do you handle things/situations like this, knowing that alcohol is so socially ingrained within our society?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I feel you. Yes, society has deemed ethanol is "socially acceptable". Although it is a poison to the human body, we can metabolize it. In small amounts. Our systems still have to run through a whole host of processes to do that. But, it's doable.
Healthy though ? Hmmmmm. I still ain't buying that one.
Funny how we don't try to incorporate a little bit of cocaine or heroin into our bodies. I was recently asked if I was really NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN ?!? I doubt anyone would be asking me that with any sincerity if I had a problem with street drugs.
Since the media and advertising has determined that it's "socially acceptable" I guess even those of us who clearly can't moderate are supposed to somehow try to figure out how to make it work ?
Something to think about.
Healthy though ? Hmmmmm. I still ain't buying that one.
Funny how we don't try to incorporate a little bit of cocaine or heroin into our bodies. I was recently asked if I was really NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN ?!? I doubt anyone would be asking me that with any sincerity if I had a problem with street drugs.
Since the media and advertising has determined that it's "socially acceptable" I guess even those of us who clearly can't moderate are supposed to somehow try to figure out how to make it work ?
Something to think about.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to to the Forum sublimeami!!
Great job on deceiding to be sober, and your right, it's not easy in a society built around beers after work, going out for a meal and a bottle of wine, going to watch sports with a few beers etc etc
It all comes down to making different decisions, but that doesn't nessecarily mean sitting in the house and not attending social events, it all depends on what is gonna work for you.
Great job on deceiding to be sober, and your right, it's not easy in a society built around beers after work, going out for a meal and a bottle of wine, going to watch sports with a few beers etc etc
It all comes down to making different decisions, but that doesn't nessecarily mean sitting in the house and not attending social events, it all depends on what is gonna work for you.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome to SR Ami! I only have 5 months of sobriety and work from home so haven't really been around social situations where people treat drinking as the norm since I've been sober. But I know what you mean. On Friday, I'm going to dinner with some old university friends for the first time since I've been sober so it'll be interesting to see their reaction when I tell them I don't drink anymore.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Great post and it is uplifting to see you are going to give sobriety another bash. It is normal to feel that sense of loss, boredom and envy of those who can drink normally, particularly at first. It will get better, Now I can even mix socially with drinkers and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I sometimes feel sorry for people and think. 'You're gonna have a bad head in the morning, but I'm glad that I won't. My drinking chums have often asked me things like, "Did I show myself up last night," etc. It does get on my nerves a bit when I am the taxi but hey ho!
to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
How do you deal with those thoughts when they come up?
I had to change the scenery in my head. Going for a walk didn't cut it.
One of my early successful tools for dealing with triggers was understanding that I drank over my emotions, mostly when I felt angry, self-pity, depressed or sad. I also came to understand that in the end alcohol had become my medicine. It had stopped being a beverage, it had stopped being fun a long time ago, I needed it like an asthmatic needs their inhalator. I may as well have kept my liquor stash in my medicine cabinet.
My tool was finding new ways to respond to my own feelings. If it meant eating a half a bag of cheese doodles instead, fine. I did that a few times. Or letting my mind go blotto watching the same film over and over again because it was relaxing: fine. As long as I wasn't drinking...
I also addressed my emotions and my system of response by immersing myself in guided meditation, reading about spiritual and emotional growth. I listened to recovery speakers and tapes, read recovery books and really worked on changing my response to the world.
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