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It makes me sad when I read that people like you, Paul, have had such uncomfortable experiences in AA. That's the downside of having no centralization. Every meeting is autonomous, so sometimes you really have to dig a bit to find one you relate to and feel welcomed and not put down.

Have you tried a young people's meeting? In my personal experience, there are fewer thumpers there and people are more open-minded to varying points of view. I have a tremendous amount of respect for old-timers with years and years of sobriety, but some are just stuck in there ways. People get sober in so many different ways, now. It's not like it was 30 years ago.

I picked my current sponsor for this very reason. He is so open-minded, but still challenges me and keeps me on track.

GracieLou

I do as well. I recently went to a lead meeting and the man has 43 years of sobriety. He had a simple message and a great one. I am so grateful I was able to go.

There was one comment after that cracked me up. It was about us "young" people and our cells phones.

I understand back in the day that there were only house phones or pay phones. So if you needed to reach out you had to be at home to call, if you had a phone, or you had to trudge to a pay phone. I am old enough to remember pay phones, they were .20 cents, so I can appreciate the effort it took back then to remain sober and get support.

Today we don't have to do that. It is technology that has made the journey a little easier but the work is still there. The meetings, the service, the BB and the steps. That is all still in place and I think that is what makes the program of AA so incredible. We are not creating an easier, softer way.

I just have the support of my friends at the touch of a button no matter where I am when I need to reach out.

Disclaimer: I do NOT agree with people leaving their cell phones on during a meeting of any kind. Watching people text during a meeting pisses me off. Put down the damn phone for an hour. It is not all about you! Turn it off or on vibrate. If you have an emergency happening then leave the room and deal with it but please do not sit and text back and forth. IMO, it is disrespectful to do so.

Threshold

I've heard that "go out and do more research, we'll be here when you're REALLY ready" thing too.

I had a guy offer to drive me to a crack house and give me $50 spending money...because I asked a question about Step 3. I didn't see the connection between seeking clarification and picking up again...but that was his take on things. HIS take, not the program.

When people say "take what you need and leave the rest" I think they mean what you hear at meetings, NOT the steps themselves. But people's experiences and opinions differ wildly.

I think there are some people who really would not be willing to work the steps until they were on deaths door, had lost everything, etc etc. So, maybe they came into AA/NA earlier on, said "heck with this" and went back out, and at some later point of degradation came back and got with the program. That is what it took for THEM...and so that is what they share.

But that is not what it takes for everyone. Some people don't need to be beaten to a bloody pulp to be willing to do the steps.

That is an impossible thing for others to grasp, if that IS what it took for them to be willing to work the steps. They assume that like themselves, people need to go out and earn their seat, and get desprate etc etc. They have probably seen other people who also went through that process.

But there are people who come into the program with a higher bottom and are willing and able to work the steps without doing more "research".

Listen for those voices in the meetings, listen for people who have an experience more like your own, that you can identify with. If you can't find that at your current meeting, try another. Or try BB study meetings where people are focusing more on the steps.

If you feel you want/need to do the steps on your own. NA has a step working guide that is a great help in doing this. You can buy it at most NA meetings (wouldn't hurt to check one out...might find it to your taste) or you can purchase it online.

At the same meetings I would hear the "go out and come back when you really want it..." I'd hear other people say "I know I have another drunk in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery in me" meaning they didn't think more research was the answer for them. So there really are different schools of thought on this in the rooms.

I know how discouraging, frustrating and even shocking it is to be told by people in recovery to "go back out"...especially in response to a genuine question seeking information. So, if they don't have the information you seek, ask someone else. Ask someone who is willing to guide you through the steps NOW, not someone who says "get back to me when you have liver failure"...because it's doubtful that that person would be able to relate to you.

There is the option of an online sponsor as well.