digdug

I'd suggest doing the group stuff rather than one on one "hang outs" at this point. It's good to get acclimated with the group. Learn everyone's name. Get everyone's phone number. The one on one stuff will come when people really start getting to know you.

The truth is, as great a means of support AA can be, sometimes people with a good amount of time get a little hesitant of newcomers in social situations. By the time someone has a year of sobriety, they've seen so many people come and go. So make yourself known. Show them that you are dedicated to your recovery and to the group, and that you're not going anywhere anytime soon. Take on service commitments like making coffee and setting up chairs. Go to the business meeting/group conscience. Become an active member of the fellowship.

And the byproduct of this is that it will help your mood and self-esteem. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than you.

And stick with your meds, knucklehead

All the best!

Acheleus

Yes I would take my anti depressant for two weeks but it made me feel strange, so I quit. I guess I will try and stick it out for a while to see if it helps with my gloom and doom thoughts. Every AD I have ever taken makes me feel awful though.

29 days today and I am glad to pick up my chip tomorrow

digdug

Yeah. It takes time for both the meds to kick in and your body to get used to them. Maybe it's worth feeling a "off" for a few more weeks just to see if you get some relief.

And enjoy getting your chip tomorrow! I carried around my 30 day chip in my pocket for weeks. It did and still does mean a lot to me. I picked it up at a meeting in while I was still in rehab.

Huglets

Ach, I think we might be twins?!? I know EXACTLY how you feel because I struggle with this feeling as well. For me, it's an indescribable feeling that starts at the very innermost of me.

I actually brought up this topic in a meeting last week - the fact that I've participated in AA now for 3 years (don't mistake that for 3 years of sobriety, I've had my share of relapses, but just celebrated 1 year!) and have not a single friend. Sure, I talk to people at meetings, do service work & all that, but once that's over I'm on my own again.

What I am starting to learn is that I need to leave my comfort zone and really put myself out there. I was an isolated drunk from the age of 30 to 45, who intentionally shunned the world and everyone in it. I alienated everyone and was SO lonely I wanted to die. Death already had one foot in the door by the time the paramedics got to me.

My point, through all of this babbling, is that sobriety is a bumpy, and worthwhile, journey. I don't find it odd at all that you have these thoughts. For me, the bulk of my thoughts are almost NEVER the truth.

I'll tell you what I told someone last week - gotta have a few crappy days so you can appreciate the sunny ones.

Let's do this together, OK?

bemyself

Hi Ach, I agree almost 100% with what the others have said so far. And I too identify completely with the loneliness / existential angst thoughts and feelings - but it just occurred to me that, hey, do I REALLY want my days to feel as if I'm in 'Waiting for Godot' on a permanent loop?! :-)

All I can add is that yes, it sucks to take anti-deps, yes they do have side effects especially for the first few weeks. But they are extremely powerful brain agents, and it's imperative for anyone on them to NOT just stop taking them. The effects of doing the sudden quit are as bad / weird as suddenly quitting any other drug. They are DRUGS, they're not just vitamin tablets!

dbott

Thank you for this thread. After some reflection this weekend I have noted that I have been a loner all my life and I have become a very lonely bitter person. I fill that void by being a home alone drunk and I thought that everything was great in the world. But it wasn't far from it. I was bitter, full of anger and hate and so lonely and I blamed everyone else for this, not myself.

I too am a sucker for women, I so wish to have one in my life but I always fail. The last two failures was because I am a drunk so I decided never to drink again and go to meetings every night... that was 8 days ago I cry more than I breathe at the moment but at least I am not drinking through another break up. I would rather cry sober than as a drunk. I have sworn off women until I am in a space where I can be safe with them. Which is sad for me since I so want love. I need to deal with that want in such a way that it frees me from the desire. I have noticed, at meetings, that I avoid all contact with women and just talk to men. Until I am sane women are dangerous to me and I value my own well being over a woman.

Sorry ladies. Anyway, that is my space... hang in there...

Acheleus

Just returned from a meeting. It was ok but I am feeling sick. I really don't think I can take meds, they make me feel crazy and out of it so bad that I would rather just deal with my depression with meditation. I will pick up my chip on day 31, I want to make sure I get the total 24 hours on day 30. My sponsor called earlier but I wasn't around. Being alone at the holidays is making entertain negative thoughts, I think of all the horrible childhood christmases I had, all the stupid things my alcoholic parents did. Resentments. Now I just have an empty life and it is all my fault for not getting out of my comfort zone, which makes me even more negative toward myself. The only good thing is I have been reading and I feel my brain improving a little bit each day.

I did write a relative a card telling them i quit drinking and was going to spend the holidays alone to protect my sobriety.

digdug

I would highly advise you not stop taking your meds without talking to your doctor first. Even if he/she agrees that it would be best that you stopped or switched to something else, you'll probably need to taper off.

Please don't make important medical decisions on your own.

Also something to consider. You've been posting for a while now. Doesn't it seem like every time you go off your meds, you isolate until you pick up a drink again? Do you think there's a connection?

Acheleus

I haven't been taking the meds. I started again today to see how I respond to them. I will stick with them and be patient. The program is really helping me this time. Every night I go to a meeting, and it helps me stay sober.

digdug

Gotcha. Good luck then! Try to go into it with an open mind. I know past experiences may have been rough with the meds, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen this time. And if it does, just keep in contact with your doctor.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm glad it seems to be helping. So many problems we have are chemical/"state" issues; CBT can often help but that's not always an option for everyone.

cc64

I have dogs, friends, and a support network, but I still feel alone. I can't explain it, but I am sure it has something to do with what the alcohol has done to me. If I could identify WHY I feel alone, I could probably talk about it more. I tried to commit suicide a week ago and my best friend had to come drag me home. He told me if I would of done it, he would NOT go to my funeral and that really hit me hard. Suicide is not the answer. I only have 2 days sober after a relapse, but sometimes if I just read other people's threads, I definitely feel like I'm not alone.

azureseas

I sometimes do meetups
http://www.meetup.com/
its an online thing that organises people to come together with similar interests

azureseas

Did you enjoy being alone when you were drinking? I loved drinking alone

Branches

Acheleus,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Congratulations on your one month! That's awesome. I have quit for as much as ten to 14 days, so my personal goal is 30 days at the moment.
As I was reading your post it hit me that lonesome seems to come from inside us rather than from being alone. I'm married. My husband is in the next room reading. I have good friends. But there is a longing to be deeply understood and related to and to understand and relate back, a yearning for a soul mate, that can be sooo overwhelming at times. My faith tells me that I'm meant to find that fulfillment with my HP, but my ego or maybe it's my AV (don't know) tells me it's my husband's fault that I'm unhappy because he isolates himself with his computer and his headphones on for hours and it makes me feel more like a roommate than a wife. But I know somewhere in the deep detoxing recesses of my wee brain that I am responsible for my own happiness and what I allow, to a certain extent, in my life. That's the truth and that's the hard part to look at without a wineglass in my hand.

My own personal experiences with anti-depressants have been that somewhere around the six-week mark, I had an experience akin to the scene in the Wizard of Oz where the movie changed from black and white to color (at least I think it did, LOL). All of a sudden the skies seemed bluer, flowers were breathtakingly beautiful, an orchestra was playing in the background (just kidding about that) and things were looking up. I felt hopeful and good about life again. I hope that that happens for you too, or if your current med is making you feel unbearably awful, that a switch will do the trick. One person I know switched from Prozac to Wellbutrin and it was like a new day for them. Not pushing Wellbutrin, just using it as an example.
I wish you well this week.

PinotNOmore

Hope you are doing better tonight Acheleus!

Acheleus

Thank you branches, I will give the meds six weeks. With wellbutrin I had bad brain fog, but I did not wait to see if it would lift. I am scared antidepressants will give me brain damage and make my hair fall out.

Pinot I am feeling so strange tonight, I am in panic mode and cannot seem to get comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I could have a meaningful relationship. Having had one and now being alone makes me wonder if I will ever trust anyone again. I want a wife and a family one day, but I have a deep suspicion I will always be sad, alone, and fatigued. Cannot wait until Spring arrives.

MythOfSisyphus

Yeah, winter makes it worse. Depression is certainly a terrible thing. My ex-wife suffered from depression and PTSD from childhood abuse. It was really terrible, and frustrating for me to see her suffer and not be able to do anything. My last serious ex suffered very bad depression, too. She was very smart and well educated and didn't just ignore the symptoms. But as you alluded it, the meds would level her out...no more super lows but no highs, either. She was totally muted by them, not herself at all. So she was forced to choose between suicidal depression and walking around like a zombie, feeling like a prisoner locked inside her own mind and body. And me again, helpless to do anything useful for her.

I used to think I suffered from depression til I met her and realized that real, clinical depression is a lot worse than my perpetual melancholia. Looking back I can see it was mostly just alcohol abuse in my case.

Not much useful for me to say except hang in there and try the meds. Every day you endure is another possibility. Life is magical, even when it sucks.

Acheleus

Thank you. I think alcohol really messed me up. I am grateful for the fellowship abd SR. I want to change everything in my life but I am just staying sober now and working on being more disciplined.

digdug

I want the same things as you. I want to find a nice woman, get married and have kids. I've wanted this as long as I can remember. I was even really close, until I screwed it all up with my drinking.

So right now, I am concentrating on just becoming a better person through the 12 steps. I feel like the harder I work in my recovery and the more sober time I get, the more datable I become.

You're still young. Younger than me, at least. But at 31, I still feel like I have a lot of time to accomplish what I want. Patience really is a virtue.

So just work your program hard and I guarantee you'll find what you're looking for eventually. But for now, just concentrate on yourself. In a few months, you will really start seeing the improvements in you. You will begin to leave the old "drunk" you behind.